Alright, so not too long ago I donated some blood to the Red Cross
Now, you usually donate blood for one of two reasons
Either A, you're doing it for a good cause you know, like you're supposed to
Or B, you're sick of Red Cross calling you every second every goddamn day
Harassing you like some psycho ex-girlfriend
"It's been 300 days since your last donation, give us your blood, or we'll kill your dog"
Now, donating blood is no big deal to most people
45 minutes out of your day, that's relatively painless
But me, on the other hand, I'm kind of a wuss It's not that the sight of blood makes me sick
That's not the problem
I could watch somebody chop their fingers off while drinking a bottle of ketchup
It wouldn't even bother me, no big deal
It's the feeling of a pulse that makes me queasy, I don't like it
Your blood pumping and shit, it tops the list of things that I find nasty
Your ass could be unconscious on the ground, and I would just leave you there
I'm not checking your pulse, and if I do I'm hoping your ass is dead so I don't get to feel that pulse
It's nasty
Remember being a kid in gym class
They'd make us run around and then check our heart rate
I didn't want to do that shit, so I'd just lie and make stuff up
"Alright, what did you get for your heart rate?"
"Uhm, nine"
"Nine?"
"Uhm.. Nine.. Hundred!"
"Nine hundred? What are you? A fucking humming bird?"
So anyway, I decided: 'I'm not gonna be a wuss, I'm gonna donate some blood'
And the first thing they do, is have a lady test your blood
See how much hepatitis you got going on in your body
"Oh, good, you have 0 hepatitis, congratulations!"
"Ah, okay, great"
She's over there licking her lips and shit
I then get set up with a nurse to draw my blood And my nurse was a very large lady
She had like shoulders of a linebacker, a John Stamos five o'clock shadow
Her name was Lucy, I think
It could've been Juicy, I might've misheard it
Lucy or Juicy, one of the two
So Juicy here was my nurse And she was gonna take some of my blood
I didn't know if she was gonna use a needle, or just her bare hands, and wring my arm out
Like a wet towel
But I was ready either way
In deep manly voice: "You have some big veins in your arm"
"Uhm, thank you. You have big.. Triceps"
So I get set up, needle in my arm, my blood's dripping into a bag
Right away, I can feel my arm start pulsating
*Pulsating heartbeat sounds*
"Oooowww, I don't like this shit one bit"
I look over and see this girl next to me getting her blood drawn
And she's not looking so good
She's laying down white as a ghost, looking like ET when he was about to die
A nurse comes up to her, and she's like:
"Uhm, I don't feel very.." *Pukes*
Just throws up all over herself
"Oh my God!"
"What kind of a torture chamer is this place?"
So now I can feel my pulse, and the whole room stinks ET's throw-up, fantastic!
Now I'm starting to get a little queasy, I start thinking:
'Oh my God, they're draining the life out of me, my HP is plummeting right now!'
'They're gonna milk me for all my blood'
I start sweating, I'm getting dizzy
Jesus Christ, they're gonna have to pump blood into me, just so I can donate this blood
It's gonna defeat the whole goddamn purpose
I should just get up and leave
Just stand up with my Capri-Sun bag of blood and get the hell out of here
"This is mine, God damn it!"
*Slams to the ground*
So by this time everybody sees that there's no color in my face anymore
I'm looking pretty rough, all of a sudden, I'm the dying ET
"Drew Barrymore, what are you doing here? And why is that sunflower falling apart?"
The nurse has laid me back, they put a cold rag over my head
In deep manly voice: "Did you not eat a big breakfast this morning?"
"Uhm.. I didn't eat anything for breakfast this morning"
"Well, that's probably why you feel like shit"
"Whatever, Juicy, just get this goddamn needle out of me!"
"I'm laying there like a newborn baby"
The nurses are over there talking shit behind my back
"Oh my god, what a wuss, I bet he passes out"
I'm over there clinging to consciousness: "God damn it, don't you pass out!"
"Don't you give these vampire ladies the satisfaction!"
And just when I was about to, good old Juicy saved the day
"Okay, you big wuss, that should be enough"
"Ah, thank God!"
They have to hold my hand like a toddler as they walk me to the snack table
Everybody's clapping their hands like I'm an injured athlete coming off the field
They sit me in a chair, sprinkle some cheez-its on my face
In deep manly voice: "Eat, you have to eat to live!"
And then that's it, you're done, you did your good deed for the day
And you even get a sticker
"Thanks for the blood!"
"Now remember, your next appointment's in 54 days and 12 hours"
"You better be there, or we're gonna come to your house and slash your tires!"
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