I'd say, being in a blended family, the hardest part is the beginning.
It's war, it's emotional, it's difficult.
You're getting used to new people.
Stepfamilies are born of loss.
Coming together and making a blended family work
and crossing that divide into making it successful
is quite tricky.
So you've met your partner, you're really happy, you're moving on,
you're maybe moving in together - things are going to be great.
Or are they?
Don't expect it to be perfect,
don't expect the children to love you immediately.
The children have had losses.
The children need to mourn what used to be their family
and things have changed.
Everything's moving about and shifting
so give everybody time to do that.
They will do so at their own pace.
Don't expect them to be where you are with your partner
recognising it takes, probably four years
as the average, for a stepfamily to form.
So don't rush things.
You might have been together two or three years
but you're still on a journey.
You may go into the stepfamily as a stepparent
and assume you're going to be something.
Maybe it's a surrogate mother. Maybe you want to be the bonus mother.
Or maybe you want to be nothing at all to those stepchildren
but also you're dealing with the children's expectations of you.
If I ask you what a mum is supposed to do or a dad,
a biological mum or dad, most people have a great idea - we all know.
But if I ask the same people, "What's a stepmum, what's a stepdad?"
I'd probably get different answers.
My own research found that
stepmum's have significantly higher anxiety than biological mums.
This confusion with role,
not knowing what they were supposed to do.
Were they supposed to take more control in the house?
Were they supposed to be more integrated with the children?
Leave the children to the biological parent?
Think about what you're comfortable doing.
Are you comfortable spending more time with the children?
The important thing is to talk to your partner.
Work out what role you have in your family.
There are no rights and wrongs but it is important that you both agree.
With my stepsister it took about a year
until we started feeling like proper family.
And I do consider her now like a full sister.
And someone I can go to in a time of need.
It probably, as well, took a year until we started bickering,
like you do, over clothes and shoes mainly.
And I think that's when you can really tell
that you're starting to feel like a family -
when you feel like you can just lose your rag at someone
if they borrow your crop top.
Stepfamilies are often very busy homes.
There can be children from both partners,
there can be children from the new partnership,
they may not all get on, again that's really common,
siblings don't necessarily get on.
Try finding ways of engaging all the children
so try and develop something to do,
an activity with each of the children so they can feel special,
they can develop a relationship with both their parent,
their biological parent and also their stepparent.
So find a thing to do, it might be going out on a bike ride,
it might be making cakes together -
whatever works in your family.
Each family member will come into this new family
with different memories, but you want to make your own memories as a family
so bring everyone together and that should start to bring everybody
to feel a sense of belonging.
Some of you might have heard the term 'Disney dad'
and it's a term that people use
where the biological dad sees his kids perhaps at weekends or holidays
and he feels that he's got to make it the best time ever.
So his children are coming, he's missed them
and he just wants to make up for the time when he's not with them.
It can mean that that time becomes just fun time
and that's not real and it's not sustainable.
Don't let the children be feeling that,
"I'm only coming to Dad's because of what he's going to give me,
there'll be a new present,
we're going to go and do something great."
That shouldn't be the case,
it's fine to treat your children, but not all the time.
When people ask me if I'm upset about my parents divorcing
I would say no, never.
I'm so happy now my parents are happy in respective relationships
and I gained a younger sister and two older brothers,
and for me now, having that,
that's worth maybe a year or two of some quite hard times,
but now I look back and I think, well, that's great,
I've gained all of this.
Most stepfamilies have this period where they're trying
to not be a stepfamily.
They just want to blend in and it's not about blending in -
it's about being who you are.
Enjoy it and you'll find as you develop, as you integrate,
You'll find your own norm and your own happiness.
Thanks for watching :)
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