VOICEOVER:
Battles fought out in a grand arena...
And at the centre - the circus master, the lion tamer,
Nigel Owens!
Nigel? Is that you?
Nigel! Sorry, sorry to interrupt.
I haven't seen you in ages, mate.
We know each other, do we?
Wynne Richards?
Wynne the Chin, you know, the Wynne that takes it all?
We were at school together. You were a couple of years older than me.
Ysgol Mynyddcerrig, remember?
Wynnie-the-Pooh, wasn't it?
Yeah, that was a one-off incident, like...
Do you, eh, good God, I tell you,
you're doing well for yourself there, in't you?
I bet your agent's phone is red-hot!
I bet he's got to pick it up with oven gloves, has he?
I haven't got an agent, actually.
You hear that, Michelle, he hasn't got an agent?
Wynne.
You've got to think about that, you've got to have an agent!
All the big stars has an agent. You know, you got to have somebody
to blow your own trumpet.
I mean, Elvis had Colonel Parker, the Beatles had Brian Epstein.
I mean, even Jesus had...
Anyway... Good to see you.
Do you see that, that's what I do, Nige, I'm an agent. That's my job.
You've got to think of me as a sort of rock to lean on, really.
Like a port in the storm.
If you came with me, I could propel you into the stratosphere.
You know, we're talking panto, HTV, parties at Jamie Owen's house.
You know? You could be the dogs.
What do you say about getting the old team back together?
Eh, the old Mynyddcerrig boys? Aye? Two local boys, fighting the world!
Well, the Six Nations is coming up...
Me and Michelle, we'd always be behind you.
Otherwise we'd be off-side!
I'm happy to talk commission right here and now.
I'll take 20%.
What?
Let me have a think about it and, I'll give you a shout later.
Good boy. Yeah, and don't worry about us, we've got a lot to do
anyway. Phone calls, we're busy.
We'll, we'll catch you can, you know?
What are you doing? We're not in show business!
I know. But it's our shot at the big time, isn't it?
Get your hand up through there.
Do you want to be fishing out stuck confectionery from our vending
machines for the rest of your life? MACHINE BEEPS
Great. Right, listen, we can't give
him too long to think about this, right?
We've got to strike while the water's hot.
Bring that lot as well.
What the hell are you doing here?
Us lone wolves have got to stick together, Nige.
Now, there will always be an out of date packet of ready salted
with your name on it if you're in our team.
Now, what do you say?
Aye, go on, then.
Take me to your agency and then we can, er,
have a chat about the Six Nations, eh?
Agency?
who exactly are the Six Nations?
Ha! Yeah, very good!
Ruck is called. No hands in there.
Do you think it was a straight red, rather than a yellow?
Wynne. Wynne! Are you paying any attention to me or this rugby match?
That's all I hear now, rugby, rugby, rugby. You know?
Yeah, because...
Do you think that Nigel will be better off on Dancing On Ice
or Splash?
I know, but one day, you're cock of the walk,
the next day you're a feather duster. Yeah?
You look at Shakin' Stevens.
To keep ahead of the game, to plan ahead, yeah?
I'm going to make a crisis call.
Get him on the phone. Get him on that fixed line thing there.
All right and say nothing. Don't you say anything to him, all right?
Is it ringing?
Yeah, keep it down out there as well!
Oh, hiya! All right, Nige? Sorry, it's the old noise on the Thames.
the barges always pass this time of morning.
All right, chap, where are you?
Oh, right, well, just pull into the hard shoulder, and you know,
change it later.
Now, we need to know about the future. Your future.
And more importantly, my future.
Now, listen, what we've got to think about is, what are we going to do
when the fickle mistress of rugby ups and leaves
you on your lonesome, yeah? I mean, you can't buy the shopping
with memories.
I need to start thinking about the future, actually.
And that's why you've got me. You know?
Because you need to become a triple threat.
You need to think Derek Brockway. All right?
Now, that bloke, he's got the weather, he's got panto and he's
got the Welsh walking documentary genre sewn up completely.
I tell you what, you try and make a documentary about bipedal
movement in Wales and your name's not Brockway, you may as well
go and sing for it, mate. You may as well go and whistle down the Taff.
You ain't getting nothing. You've got to be ready to pounce.
We've got to be like a black mamba, ready to strike at any minute.
Go for it, like that. Talking of which, have you ever thought
of entering the jungle?
It's been a shot in the arm for the career of many, many celebrities.
I'm not sure I could hack the jungle, to be honest.
Well, you need to start thinking about it.
Cos we've got to move fast. I know there are already in talks
with Bassey, and Arfon Haines Davies. Yeah? So, we've got to move
pronto. We've got to fast-track you. We need to get you
some jungle experience, yeah?
JUNGLE SOUND EFFECTS
Hey, this is trickier than I thought.
That Ray Mears makes it look easy.
This is the jungle, Nigel. You know, it respects no-one.
Even if they are a world-class rugby referee. All right? Now, get a grip.
I'm starving. Get the food out, Wynne.
All right, well I foraged for this,
this is proper bush tucker trial stuff, this.
I've got some... I got some berries, I've got a leaf...
I think that's sheep's bum...
Oh!
I'm not putting up with this nonsense.
I've got a big game tomorrow. Let's get out of here.
The car park ticket's up anyway.
You're making a big mistake, yeah, but.
You've got to think about, you know, your financial security, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, fine.
Go on, then, if you can't hack it, absolutely fine!
Don't worry about that.
But Wynne Griffiths doesn't give up, OK?
OK, I'm not a quitter, I'm not. I'm a stayer. I'm a fighter,
I always have been. All right?
So, it's like... Mowgli and Tarzan rolled into one, yeah?
So don't you... Don't you worry about that.
BIRDS TWEET
TV:
What happened here, or what happened afterwards, I did not see it.
It ends there. Is that clear? You'll be treated like kids
as long as you keep...
Right, now you can see there that Nige seems to have
lost a bit of his old wit and razzmatazz, yeah?
So, I've decided to line up a bit of a surprise to put some pep
back into his persona.
PHONE RINGS
There we are, all right? What's happening?
I'm just about to go and ref a Zebre match.
WHISPERING: I didn't know they could play rugby.
Anyway, listen, I've got to cut to
the chase. I hate to be the bearer of bad news
but I've been watching some of your stuff recently and
your patter's looking a bit tired, all right?
I don't want you to be a one-hit wonder. I can't represent
the Chumbawamba of world rugby.
I'm a referee, Wynne!
What?
You're like Lionel Blair and Michael Crawford rolled into one.
With a little bit of Les Dennis chucked in at the end. All right?
Listen, I've got some experts to see you tomorrow morning.
I've called an emergency meeting, in the meantime,
you watch out for those zebras.
Ta-dah!
are the greatest comedy writers in Wales. No expense spared.
We've got the guy, right, who does Alex Jones's adlibs,
for The One Show, you know? All that.
It's not funny, though, is it?
I mean, this tiptop stuff.
What do you fancy, one of the legends just feeding you, yeah?
The old pitter patter. All right?
Oh, God! It smells like someone died!
I wouldn't let them feed me anything.
Right, well, what you got?
I paid for this, all right? Right, what you got?
Well, we've all been working on different areas.
Good, that's good.
I've been coming up with new catchphrases.
Don't be a dick, that's a penalty kick.
That put-in was wonky, you half-witted donkey.
Give it a punt, you silly old...
You hold it there, you keep that sort of filth for Alex Jones.
Forget about that. You, what have you got?
Well, Ifor was thinking that a little bit of controversy
always seems to generate headlines.
That's true.
So, he's written a load of gags for Nigel to do about Princess Diana.
I can't do that.
You at the end, you better have something good.
Dylan thought how we need to inspire more children to get
involved with rugby.
Oh, this is absolute...
That's good, we all like it.
So, Dylan thought Nigel should deliver all of his instructions via
a ventriloquist's dummy.
Nige, meet Little Nige.
How am I going to run around the field for 80 minutes wearing that?
I don't know, maybe some sort of papoose.
I quite like the dummy, do you think the dummy? No?
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, infringement, sending off.
PAPERS RUSTLE
As sure as this ball isn't round,
I compel you now to leave the ground.
I'm not saying that! Come here!
You can't dive like that, who do you think you are? Tom Daley?
Off you go.
WHISTLE
I hold you totally responsible for this, to be honest with you.
That's the best you can come up with?
This is a perfect line.
The scansion on it is perfect.
It's like, you know, iambic pentameter.
De-diddly-dum, de-diddly-dum, de-diddly-dum, de-diddly-dum.
Yeah, that works, do that instead. That's funny. Do that.
Ruck is called, no hands in there, stay out!
Now that I'm representing Nigel, I decided to watch
some of his matches.
And the one thing that strikes me is that, well,
he's always looking the same.
Gandhi had a more varied dress sense than this guy.
Yeah, I keep telling you, he's dressed the same
cos it's an official referee kit.
Please sit down. Anyway, the rules are there to be broken,
so I thought, time to bend them a bit.
Yeah, like you counted a chocolate orange as one of your five-a-day.
What?
Do that Time Face thing and just say nothing.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, hi, Nige! Tell me, what are you wearing?
What do you mean, what am I wearing?
I mean, what have you got on now, today, what have you got on?
A refereeing kit! Yellow jersey, black shorts, black socks.
Got to stand out, haven't I?
Well, yeah, that's the point. You don't stand out. Do you?
You look like every other referee.
Anyway, I've been having a think about this and although
you're sharp up there, you know, your vibe, it's a bit blunt.
All right, so, I'm talking sponsorship.
I've come up with a triple-pronged attack. First of all, pies.
Now, I've been in touch with Dai Pies, down in Newport, all right,
he does lovely pies, he does beef, chicken, pork and the lucky dip.
The thing is, Dai has said, if you wear his logo on your T-shirt,
he's going to give us 50 big ones a year.
50,000?
I can't wear a pies.
Now then - prong number two.
Stacey's Salon. Now, I've been in touch with her, she's up in Merthyr.
She has said from this point on, you'll get everything gratis.
She'll do you nails, your tanning and waxing.
Oh, aye. Waxing is the way forward, Nige. Especially for you.
You know, you're going to get round the pitch quicker.
You know, you think of Duncan Goodhew.
You know, aerodynamics, yeah, I tell you,
she did me one for free and I tell you what,
downstairs I'm like a Ken doll.
Have a cop of that there.
All right.
Everything else is just noise.
Refereeing? Listen, Think about branding.
You've got to think, David Beckham, you've got to think Mo Farah.
Listen, Neville Southall, look at him.
I mean that bloke has bought a house in Tenby with the money
he made from that waxing ad for the moustache thing.
You know, I mean, Tenby! In cash!
I thought you said it was a TRIPLE-pronged attack.
The third prong...
Get your hands off him. I've insured those. Get out.
Eau de Nige.
That my boy, is your very own aftershave.
Yeah? It's a prototype, yeah? HE WHISTLES
Get it? I've already thought of a tag line for it.
Don't get sent off - get this scent on.
Right, well, give us a sniff, then.
Cop your gob around that.
NIGEL COUGHS
Oh, God.
I've got a game to referee, mun.
Did you want a last squirt before you go?
SPRAY SQUIRTS
Ugh, don't keep doing it!
I can't believe it.
I worked so hard to try and get us a sponsorship deal.
It's all blown up in my face.
That's not strictly true.
Some of it's IN your face.
And on your chin.
Hey, where's that aftershave?!
Pass it here.
Bit of tweaking, it'd be a goer.
there's a streaker on the pitch,
I want something to knock him out with.
In the run up to the Six Nations, it's my job to make sure
that Nigel's at the peak of his physical conditioning.
Now, if you have a little look at him there,
he looks fit enough, you know,
but in between tournaments he really lets himself go.
You know, I mean, that's going to happen, innit?
It's going to happen if all you do
is work a couple of days a year, so...
..but there we are.
All right...
Michelle?
Michelle.
Michelle?
Michelle!
What?!
Where's Nigel?
Oh, yeah, he can't make it, I'm afraid.
He's laying down backing vocals for Bonnie Tyler's new album.
Get him on the phone, anyway.
# Bum, bum, bum... #
PHONE RINGS
All right, Wynne! How's it going?
I mean, look at the state of you. You're a mess.
He needs this, right? He needs a bit of tough love. All right?
I've been doing a bit of research -
I want you to have a look at these guys here.
Jerome Garcon, I mean, 100% buff.
Craig Joubert, pure brawn.
Wayne Barnes - I mean, look at him,
he looks like - he looks like Wolf from Gladiator.
Hey, I've been training hard all week, thanks, Wynne!
Oh, you've been training, have you?
Oh, right, OK, what've you been doing?
Well, 10k run, bit of weights, sprinting, Pilates...
Er, ooh! And a massage.
Massage? What-What is this, a hen do?
You know, next thing you know you're going to be going to Wetherspoons
and getting drunk -
and getting so drunk that you get arrested
by some police officer called Grant who you're going to go off with
and call off your wedding and you're going to leave your husband
alone in the house for three bloody years,
a broken man who's wrecked
with nothing but crisps to keep him company.
That's nothing to do with me.
Damn you!
Breathe, Wynne!
Ugh...
Hi, Nige!
Just having a funny five.
Look, give it back here. Give it back.
Anyway, look, I'll tell you this now -
I want you to be the fittest referee in world rugby.
You are going to make Wayne Barnes look like Pavarotti.
Ah, brilliant!
Hey, you found it. Come on.
I'm quite...quite excited about this, so have a little look.
I call it...
..Nige-ercize.
I'm not sure about a fitness video.
No, no, this isn't a fitness video.
You mustn't think of it like that. Oh, no, no.
Listen, to spread a little bit of magic stardust over the occasion,
you know what I've gone and done?
I've gone and booked some of the Welsh rugby players.
Have you?
Who've you got, then?
Did someone order some rugby players?
Hey, bring them in, bring them in, love.
Fantastic, that is.
Falling into place nice.
Right, I've got Sam Warbleton, Taulupe Williams
and Liam Faletau, so.
It's Taulupe Faletau, and...
What the hell is that?!
Delivery for Wynne Griffiths.
Uh, Welsh rugby players?
I meant the real ones!
Did you think you'd get the real ones for 40 quid?!
They can't... They can't do aerobics, can they?
C-Can they?
No.
No. No, I'm sorry, this is a disaster.
I need real live players that can move around
and wiggle their bits, and...
I'm sorry, Nige. I'm sorry, this isn't going to work.
Don't worry, don't worry, now - leave it with me.
I'll sort it.
Hey, I've got a Samson Lee on the van.
I can chuck him in, if you like.
Take them out. Put them back in the van.
With Nige-ercize, you can give unfitness the red card.
Come on, boys! Keep going!
Fair play - you've got to hand it to Nige.
He really saved the day.
These are the stars of the future.
That fit one on the left, he just signed up to the Scarlets.
Who?
Boys! Wynne Griffiths.
How are you? All right?
There we are, lads.
Are you the one who's joining the Scarlets?
Are you the one the Scarl...?
Are you not? Forget that, then.
Wynne Griffiths.
Stars of the future, I'm the agent of the present, OK?