-Now, let's get to the news.
President Biden has reportedly been telling aides
in private that he no longer recognizes
the Republican party and views them
as an existential threat to democracy.
Oh, good, you're all caught up.
This is like when you watch three episodes of a show
and you have to wait for your partner to watch them
before you can move to Episode 4.
"I hope I can remember what's going on.
It's been like a year."
President Biden spoke today in Buffalo
and called on Congress to pass new gun-control laws.
Also today, a tree fell in the forest.
In a new interview, Dr. Anthony Fauci criticized
the Trump administration's handling of
the coronavirus pandemic and said it "wasn't optimal,"
which is kind of like saying
the Hindenburg experienced a flight delay.
In a new interview, Supreme Court justice designate
Ketanji Brown Jackson said the reality show
"Survivor" is the best show ever.
Well, at least you're prepared
for votes to not go your way.
Sweden announced yesterday it will apply to join NATO.
Wow! First Finland, now Sweden.
It seems like every day, we're learning about another
country we could have sworn was already in NATO.
The CDC this week advised domestic travelers
to get tested for the coronavirus
no more than three days before their trip.
Incidentally, three days before the trip
is also when your dad thinks you should get to the airport.
"'Cause there might be traffic!
I'm not crazy. There's been traffic before."
McDonald's announced yesterday it would completely exit
the Russian market, and that's not the only way
they're showing their support for Ukraine.
[ Audience groans ]
Surprised. I don't know why that one was the one.
Are you upset that, like -- that Grimace got painted?
Do you guys know he's supposed to be a taste bud?
I just found out.
It's [bleep] disgusting, but there you go.
I'm just thrown.
Police in Washington state over the weekend said
that they had obtained video of an Arby's manager
urinating into the restaurant's milkshake machine.
The manager did that?
Come on, man. You got to learn to delegate.
I don't think there's been a single piece of good news
in tonight's monologue.
And I know you were bummed out by Grimace,
but I got some good news.
People are pissing in the Arby's machines.
According to the latest numbers, the new 28-step staircase
that opened yesterday at the Times Square
subway station cost $30 million.
Well, at least they finally addressed the complaint
that no one had about the subway.
"I don't mind the delays.
I just wish the steps were fancier.
I liked the rats.
I just want new steps."
And, finally, it was announced yesterday that
"The Masked Singer" will return for an eighth season,
because they need somewhere to put all the people
too embarrassing for "Dancing with the Stars."
♪♪
President Biden spoke yesterday in Buffalo
and called for an end to white supremacy.
Well, good luck with that.
You've been in Washington a year and a half,
and so far, the only thing Congress
has gotten rid of is Daylight Saving Time.
[ As Biden ] Now that we took care of that,
move on to white supremacy.
We crushed Daylight Saving Time. I mean..."
[ Normal voice ] President Biden, yesterday,
warned that democracy is in danger.
Even scarier, in a ransom note.
Former president Trump recently announced
he is writing a book titled "The Crime of the Century"
about the alleged voter fraud
in the 2020 presidential election.
Look for it in your bookstore's Tantrum section.
Pennsylvania Lieutenant Governor John Fetterman
won last night's Democratic Senate primary.
Pretty impressive for a guy who looks like
a character from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!"
He'll now go on to face Soda Popinski in the general.
North Carolina Representative Madison Cawthorn, last night,
lost his Republican primary.
Hopefully he will learn his lesson.
Next time you get invited to a cocaine orgy, just go.
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson
recently called for Britons to return to work in person
and said that his experience working from home
included walking to the fridge and
"hacking off a small piece of cheese,"
then forgetting what he's doing.
Well, if it helps,
you're supposed to be serving as prime minister.
Seems like that job is big enough that
a little piece of cheese shouldn't throw you off it.
In a recent interview,
Labor Secretary and former Boston mayor Marty Walsh
said that Dunkin' Donuts tasted different
on a recent trip to South Korea.
Said Biden, "You know that's not why we sent you, right?"
"Here's the report on the Dunkins."
According to a new poll, 1 in 3 Americans say that
the coronavirus pandemic is over.
Unfortunately, he's sitting between the other two.
"Great. Between a couple of sheep."
Archaeologists in Laos recently discovered
an ancient tooth, thought to have belonged to
an extinct human species, that was lodged in a cave wall.
Experts believed their last words were, "Not...cake."
He -- He thought...
So, to work backwards,
he thought the wall was cake.
And then he bit it and died.
And, finally, the energy-drink company Red Bull, last weekend,
held its world paper-airplane championship,
while Four Loko launched its first-annual Squid Games.
Former President George W. Bush spoke about Russia last night
at an event in Dallas and had quite the Freudian slip.
-The decision of one man
to launch a wholly unjustified and brutal invasion of Iraq --
I mean, of Ukraine. [ Laughter ]
-Oof!
That's like your wife asking if you're hungry
and saying, "I could cheat. I mean, eat!"
[ Laughter ]
"I could eat with my mistress. Aghh!"
[ Laughter ]
President Biden yesterday launched a program
that activates military aircraft
to import baby formula from abroad.
Said the French, "White or red?"
[ Laughter ]
Health Secretary Xavier Becerra tested positive yesterday
for the coronavirus. Wow, the health secretary.
That's embarrassing. That's like finding out
the transportation secretary got hit by a train.
[ Laughter ] He's fine. He's fine.
President Biden yesterday formally endorsed
Finland and Sweden's application to join NATO.
Though if it's anything like his past endorsements,
it probably hurt more than it helped.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report, the Secret Service
is currently providing protection for 33 people
in the Biden administration or family,
as opposed to to Trump,
where his administration was his family.
[ Laughter ]
Elon Musk tweeted yesterday, "Political attacks on me
will escalate dramatically in coming months."
And based on his previous predictions,
this can only mean that political attacks on him
will stop completely. [ Laughter ]
Health officials in Massachusetts
announced yesterday that they have identified
the first case of monkeypox in the country.
But don't worry, it can be easily cured
with, uh -- aw, baby formula! Damn it!
[ Laughter ]
Son of a bitch!
The 75th Cannes Film Festival began this week
and included a live video message
from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy.
But this is weird. It was just,
"Please don't text during the movie."
[ Laughter ]
A 2-year-old boy in Texas recently ordered
31 cheeseburgers from McDonald's
through the delivery app DoorDash
while playing with his mom's phone.
To be fair, in Texas, That's just one button.
[ Cheers and laughter ]
And finally, the makers of Hot Pockets
have unveiled a new line of cheese and cold cut sandwiches
called Deliwiches that can be eaten hot or cold,
as opposed to Hot Pockets, which are always a mix of both.
And that was the monologue, everybody.