Typically, we don't get the training in school.
But there are five things that every new parent needs to know.
Alright, we're going to take these on in no particular order of importance. Except for the
last one, that one's the most important. So stick around. -Parenting is the most important job in
the whole world. -There's not even a close second. -No, that being said it's also maybe the most demanding
job and also the most rewarding. -That's got to be true. I mean, that's true in our experience. Vicky
and I are the parents of four children. We now have five grandchildren at the time of this particular
recording and I can't think of anything else that we've done that has been that meaningful. -Right or
demanding. -Right, it can consume your life and if you're a new parent you're noticing that life
is a little different. -Right -Than it was before right. I was joking with a couple that was in my
office. I do sometimes coaching for couples and this particular couple was about to get married.
And they were just starting their life together and we got to the point in the conversation where
we talked about their future goals and they wanted to have children. I said, "Yeah, having
kids that won't change much", right it changes everything. But there's another reason why I think
this is the most important job in the world. I attended a conference a couple of years back with
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. -I remember this. -Remember I told you about this.
It was, I think a three-day conference and as we were sitting through this conference. A room full
of mental health professionals and I was there paying close attention to what I could learn from
this expert in the field. Especially related to trauma, trauma recovery, post-traumatic stress,
and I remember on the last day of the conference Dr. van der Kolk took his lecture materials and
slid them aside and he leaned forward on the podium and he's got our attention.
Because if the trainer puts his materials aside. You know that what he's going to say next is
what he wrote -And he's just spent two days telling you it. -Right, two and a half days by now.
And so, he leans forward on the podium. He says, "You know what? If we want to make a
real difference in the mental health status of our nation and our communities and our world.
We need to do a better job helping parents raise their children. -Yeah, it all be boiled down to that.
-Right, -And that's that's kind of evidence of just how important this job is. -Oh it's huge. So, we don't
have to overemphasize that. That's the first point that we wanted to make. This is the most
important job in the world. It's also the most demanding and the most rewarding.
It is totally worth the ride. -I kind of feel like the second point we're going to make
is sort of an oxymoron or something like that. Because the best gift you can give to your child
is to be a happy adjusted well-cared-for parent, and it just seems so crazy. Because when you,
I don't know how you know, it's been a while since we were brand new parents. But we're watching
our son and his wife.They're just hitting 8 weeks of being parents. -They live downstairs
by the way. They're sharing some space in our home while he's doing his schooling.
So we've got kind of a close view. -And I'm watching and there's just, it's so all-encompassing being
a new parent in particular. But all areas of parenting are very encompassing. But that new
parent is so all-encompassing and you realize that everything that this child needs is kind of
relying on you. Every single need and so, the last thing you think about is taking time for caring
for yourself. But yet, that is the very best gift you can give to your child is to take care of
yourself as well. -A healthy sane fully functioning parent, now that's a tall order. Because we've
all got issues, have you noticed? So taking care of yourself becomes of paramount importance.
It really is essential and it's not easy, okay. So a lot of what we share with you is simple, simple and
easy aren't the same thing. That doesn't mean that it's any less important. So, when you look at your
situation and it can be consuming like you said. It will jump in on every aspect of your life.
So a question will come to your mind okay and the question is, how can I take care of myself?
Well, it's a pretty good question. Just make sure it's a question not a statement disguised as a
question. -Yeah, stay in the question and be curious about that. -And you don't have to do this yourself.
There are other people and resources all around you that will help you to do this. Vicky when you
said earlier it's the biggest gift that you can give your children. Sometimes we get into a mode of,
"No, I'm just going to take care of the kids. I can put all of my stuff on hold for a while."
What happens when people do that? -You usually burn out at some point and then stop even providing the
basics. -Here's an analogy for you. You're on your way to an event. You're in the car, you're driving.
You're excited to go to this event. It's going to be this wonderful thing and you've got some
distance to travel yet before you get to the event. As you look down you notice that the fuel gauge
in your vehicle says that you're on empty. In fact, you're on fumes. In fact, the little light
came on that says, you're about to need roadside assistance. But you think to yourself, "You know what,
I just gotta get to this. -I gotta go to the event. -I gotta get to the event.
I can't take time right now to go fuel up and you know what's going to happen as you're stranded on
the side of the road and calling triple-A, and I know that's kind of a silly analogy. But really,
that's what we're talking about. You got to keep yourself on the road so that you can really help
your kids. Before we get into those next points, take a moment right now to subscribe right down
there. Hit that button and then click on that notification bell that way, you'll be notified
every time we put out a new video for you to be a more positive parent. Okay, we've still got three
things to share with you about what every new parent needs to know. So, I've got to jump in with
the next one. Okay, one thing that I think all new parents need to know is the balance between
control and maturity and I have developed models around this. I've built a lot of my career around
coming up with a conceptual model that helps people understand the balance between control
and maturity. We're not going to get into that on this particular video. We've got other videos here
and we've got trainings in other classes and courses available for you to connect to that.
But here's the short version. How much control your children have depends on how mature they are,
and how much control you need to take as a parent depends on the maturity of your child. -Right, and
so really the reason we're talking about this is that, we are going to be sharing control with our
children throughout the whole journey of parenting and so, getting clear about how
you transfer different amounts of control or how it goes is really important. -So think about
your little ones for a minute or your little one if you've got one, and maybe your little one is one.
-Okay, they're pretty small. How much can they take care of themselves at this point? Hardly
one ton right. They can hardly do anything. They can make a big noise and a big stink.
-They might be able to grab something they need but they really can't take a lot of control over their life.
-Right, now you see what we're talking about. Now, put yourself in a different position like for
Vicky and I. We are now in a mode where all of our children are adults. Our baby is in her early 20s.
How much can she take care of herself? Well see, it's very different and so as our kids mature
we have to be able to take a lot of control early on and we have to be able to transition and shift
that to less and less and less control as they grow. Because if we don't give them the control
they'll take it and that becomes frustrating. We've got other videos for parents of teens,
okay that's a whole different ball game. But when they're just starting out and as you're starting
out as a parent. We have to understand control and maturity. How much control we share. How much
control we take depends on maturity and there's a lot of different ways. -Now maturity of the child?
-Maturity of the child. Yeah, and we don't get to decide that. You can't just demand
that your toddler be more mature. Hopefully, they'll grow and become more mature. But in a similar way,
you can't demand that your teenager be more mature and this is about stage not age. We've got a whole
process that we teach parents about stages of maturity and different kids of different ages
could be at different stages. But that determines how much control you need to take as a parent.
So you'll need to figure that out and get familiar with how control is tied to maturity. That's
going to make the discipline the relationships everything else is going to go better when you
understand that. -Obviously, good parenting is essential but the real outcome depends on what
the children do with their own lives. The choices they make, the things that they do, and so I think
that's something important to remember as a parent, especially a new parent. You're going to do
your absolute very best but you're going to realize that in the end a lot of the outcome
is up to the child. -Connect with this for a minute in your own life, okay. Your life is where it is, why?
Because of your parents? Well, in part. But what is the main driving factor of why
you are where you are, it's your choices. We've got to remember that with our kids because our
kids are going to make choices. You'll notice, I'm not saying they might. Our kids are going to make
choices that we didn't want them to make, and especially as they get in to be teenagers and
young adults. You're going to see very clearly that they are driving their life, not you.
Get used to that idea early on. Yes, thank you for saying good parenting is essential. -A lot of
that parenting is the way that we react to their choices. That's going to make a difference as well.
But the outcome is still very much in their hands and their choices. -And I'm saving one point
to make after we have this conversation that will help to tie all of that together. Your value as a
parent. How well you're doing as a parent cannot be measured solely on the choices that your kids are
making. We see good parents all the time who have kids who are going off the rails right. -Right,
-And we see kids who are doing making good choices whose parents are doing kind of a so-so job.
Good parenting is essential but it's not sufficient. Okay, it has to do with your kid's choices.
They are agents, they're not mini-me. They're not little copies of you and that leads us right
into your job. What is your job as a parent? Okay, we talk about this on the channel all the time.
Let's be really clear about what your job is not first. Your job is not to make sure that they
anything... We get drawn into that. It's to make sure that they're safe.
Make sure that they're happy. Make sure that they do their homework. Make sure that they're fed
and dressed well. Make sure that they're respectful. Make sure that they whatever... You can't.
I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm saying you can't. Make sure that they even safety. You know, make
sure that your kids are safe. Do you remember the tragic situation with our neighbors. When early on,
our neighbor had accidentally backed over the three-year-old in the driveway and that child died.
If my job is to make sure my kids are safe, then I have to make sure that they're safe all
the time. I can't, accidents happen. I don't want to put a negative spin on this too much.
But wrap your head for a minute around the things that you don't control. -I mean, we're going to do
everything in our power to provide the best situation. But just remember that your job
isn't to make sure any of that. -So what is our job? Yeah, let's talk about it. -It's to love them.
-No matter what and even if. -No matter what and even if. Go back to Dr. van der Kolk for a minute, he and
a couple of other experts that I've heard from recently have reiterated the importance of feeling
loved as being the primary preventative factor for mental health problems, for addiction, for
behavioral issues. I'm not saying that it will completely prevent any of those things from
happening. But what we're finding in the research and in the psychological community is that
children feeling loved is what contributes to the best possible outcomes for that child. Let's take
that to heart. Our job as a parent is to love them no matter what and even if. You can start playing
the even if game. Because your imagination, you can come up with all kinds of things that
your kids might do or that could happen. Alright, play through that and ask yourself, can I love them.
Will I love them even if that happens? This is a powerful exercise and it puts you right
where you need to be in terms of your job as a parent. -Okay, that brings up a question for me.
Me loving my child and my child feeling loved are not the same thing. Because remember, my control
is how I feel towards my child and how I show up for them, which is love. But how they
receive it or how they feel is on their shoulders. -So talk to us a little bit about that. -Check it out.
It's not your job to make sure that they feel loved. -You're right, my job is to make sure
I love them. -And sometimes, loving them means that you are stepping in with appropriate discipline
and limit setting it. Are they going to feel loved in those moments? Not necessarily. It's not your job
to make sure that they feel loved. It's your job to love them no matter what and even if. Does that
help? -It does. I hope you're finding this helpful. It can be a little overwhelming especially
when you're first starting out. But we've got your back, I've got a free gift for you that I'm
going to explain to you in this next video. Please click on this video about positive parenting in
a free web class. We've got some exciting things happening that I really want you to be aware of.