- So, we should explain why you're dressed this way.
- Yeah, I hate to shop, uh, so...
- [laughs]
- I just wear whatever outfit
the character I'm playing at the time--so,
I was on "Parenthood" for six years
and Crosby had a great wardrobe...
- Right. - But that show's been over
for a year, so this is what we get.
- Yep. - This is what I wear now.
- So--okay, so this is really exciting.
- Thank you. - I can't wait to see the movie.
So, you have written, you're directing,
and you're starring in "Chips." - Yeah.
- He's remaking--he's making the movie "Chips."
[cheers and applause]
Who else is in it? - Oh, Michael Peña.
- Uh-huh. - Who wanted me to tell you
that there's no softer underwear on the planet
than the ones you gave him. - The Ellen underwear--
- I swear to God. This was--like,
he came into my trailer like, "Oh, you're doing Ellen.
"Tell her how soft the underwear are,
"and how do I get more." - Yeah, well.
- So, message delivered. - He can buy 'em
at the Ellen Shop. That's how--yeah.
- Oh, okay--great. - And you got some.
- I'll explain that to him - I'm sure we gave you some...
- Oh, couldn't be softer. - Since you're h--
- But again, I hate to shop. So, yes...
- I'll get-- - I'm in the Ellen underwear.
I'm in whatever costume they give me.
- So, it--well, it looks very good on you.
- And I feel like a village person.
- You do? - Yeah.
Which is always something I wanted to experience.
- Yeah, no. You look very good in it.
Is that-- - You think so?
- I do. - It's very tailored.
- They're kind of, like, stretch fabric pants,
so they're comfortable. - You wanna try 'em on?
- I do, yeah. - Okay, great.
- Yeah. - I'll leave them behind.
- I like the, uh-- - And I'll pop into those.
- Okay. - A little switcheroo.
- No--and does Kristen like this,
uh, this outfit?
- I think Kristen stopped seeing me as a sexual being
a few years ago, but, um...
sometimes she'll see someone looking at me
and go, "That's a weird look on their--oh, yes.
"He looks attractive." - [laughs]
- No, I'm teasing. - That's--of course, you are.
No, she thinks I look studly. - Yeah.
So, she's in the movie as well, right?
- She is in the movie,
and, um, she's an obvious choice.
She's a great actor and she's also very affordable,
since I'm directing it, um...
[laughter]
But I was nervous 'cause she has to play very unlikable
and I started telling her, like,
"I'm not positive I wanna hire you
"'cause you're just so intrinsically likable..."
- Yes. - And then she got offended
that I thought she was a bad actress...
so then I had to tell her she was very unlikable...
- Uh-huh. - And that was a disaster.
So, no matter really what...
you know...it just didn't work out well,
so she's in the movie, basically.
I just said, "Okay, you're hired,
"and let's stop talking about this"...
- Right. - "I'll see you on set."
- It is gonna be hard for her to be unlikable
'cause she is adorable and very likable.
- She's so likable. - Yeah.
- Even when she's terrible,
you really still like her. - Yeah.
- You know? It's one of her--
- Yeah. - It's one of her gifts.
- That's--and so, the kids are how old now?
- Uh, 2 1/2 and 1.
In fact, there's a birthday coming in five days.
- Yes, and, um, you know,
it's the holiday season coming up
and, um...
it's weird for me because my mother was
just painfully honest with us.
No matter what the--she just told us the truth,
and, look, I'm on "Ellen," so it worked...
- [laughs] - And so, I've been just being
very 100% honest with, uh, Lincoln,
in fact, the other day, we were playing
and I said, "Okay, I gotta go."
Um, she said, "Why?"
And I said, "Well, I gotta go to my AA meeting,"
and she goes, "Why?"
And I go, "'Cause I'm an alcoholic,"
and she said, "I'ma be alcoholic too.
"I'm coming." - [laughs]
- 'Cause she just wanted to come.
- Yeah. - Yeah, and I said,
"You probably will be in 15 years."
both: Yeah. - [laughs]
- Let's enjoy this time before you have to go.
- That's adorable. - But now it's Christmas
and I have to explain Santa Claus.
It's a very weird thing to explain
if you've been telling, you know, just...
the truth truth. - What do you tell them?
- I said, "There's gonna be a guy stopping by
"on Christmas Eve
"in a red jumpsuit with combat boots, uh..."
[laughter]
"Huge Grizzly Adams beard.
"He goes by Christopher Kringle or Saint Nick--he's got
a lotta aliases," I said. - Uh-huh.
- And, uh, "He's gonna be--he's gonna show up
"riding a team of endangered animals"...
- Uh-huh. - Uh, "He's gonna park 'em
"on the roof. Then he's gonna repel in...
"he's gonna root around the area for a while,"
uh, "eat some cookies and whatnot.
"Don't worry, he's not diabetic.
"He looks like it, but he's ju--it's okay."
- [laughs] - That's gon--
"And then, if you come out,
"you may find him getting handsy
"with Mom under mistletoe."
- [laughs]
- So, she's very excited. - Uh-huh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
- And she said, "Is he married?"
And I said, "You know, he's married,
"but he travels a lot."
[laughter]
"So, I don't know what his real arrangement is.
"He hangs out with a lot of children,
"but I guess they're, like--they're his employees
which is also..."
So, she's--she's excited. - Yeah.
- She thinks it's--she can't wait to meet this...
- That's, uh... - Felon.
That was taken at the Met Ball
which is a very fancy big party in New York
that Kristen had tried to get me to go to for years
and I didn't want to 'cause, as you can see,
I have to wear a tuxedo,
and I'd way rather wear a cop outfit everywhere, um...
- Yeah. [laughs]
- But, this year, she said,
"I think you're gonna wanna come because we're seated
at Jay Z's table." - Mm.
- And I love Jay Z.
I think he's, like,
one of the true pure geniuses among us, right?
- I agree. I agree. - So, I said,
"I will be there for sure," and I went,
and I was seated directly next to Jay Z,
and, um, I gave him my A game.
Like, any-- [laughter]
I talked his ear off. I knew all of his lyrics.
I was sparkly. I was engaging.
Eye contact. Present.
Could care less. - [laughs]
- Guarantee, if he saw me right now,
he'd have no clue he ever sat next to me at dinner.
Was not impressed. - Aw.
- There were other people at the table
that would have loved to be friends with me.
- But you didn't care-- - He was, like,
the hot girl in high school,
and he played it perfectly. - Yeah.
[laughter]
- I'm still in love with him.
He didn't give me any any any approval.
Good work, Jay Z. - Yeah.
- I'll go to 1000 more Met Balls...
- Just to get him. - Just to--yeah, I'll get him.
- Yeah, you'll get-- - I'll get him.
- You'll get him someday. - Yeah, I'm--
- And--and Brad Pitt. - I might pop out somewhere.
- You're still after him.
- I still love Brad Pitt like crazy.
- Yeah...yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
If I could go, like, camping with two dudes...
- They're--they're them?
[laughter]
- Like, if Jay Z could wrap
while I stared at Brad Pitt... - [laughs]
- It would be like... - [laughs]
and if he were, like, just, you know,
free flowing about me looking at Brad Pitt.
- I think you just gave him his next song.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- I think--that's fantastic. - It's called,
"Stay Away From Dax Shepard." - Oh, God.
- Speaking of Brad Pitt... - What?
- Everyone's getting presents. - Yeah.
- Bring him out. - He's not here--
- Bring him out in an elf outfit.
- He's--he's not here.
- Come on, Brad, get out here! - He's not--
Believe me-- [laughs]
- Put me in a Santa outfit.
Put him in a elf costume.
Let's get him right here... - There's--
and let's find out what he wants for Christmas.
[laughter]