NARRATOR: She isn't subtle.
NARRATOR: She isn't shy.
NARRATOR: Jack and Jill. (Gunshot noises)
ETHAN: Jack and Jill is uh, much worse than a bad movie.
ETHAN: It's cancer.
ETHAN: It's killing us, it's killing America.
ETHAN: It's beyond uh, opinion.
ETHAN: This movie is killing America!
ETHAN: Our kids are dying because of this movie!
ETHAN: This movie cost 80 million dollars to make.
ETHAN: That's some- that's a lot of clams.
ETHAN: If you want a good comparison for what 80 million dollars looks like in terms of a film budget,
a good comparison would be The Fifth Element, which is one of my all time favorite movies.
ETHAN: It's got costumes, it's got special effects, it's got A list celebrities, it's got singing! It's got it all man! It's the full triple threat!
ETHAN: Now take a look at Jack and Jill. Where's the money, Adam? I know you got paid 20 million, h-how much did you pay your SNL cronies?
ETHAN: Did they all make 5 million dollars for their five each- of their 5 minute appearances?
ETHAN: Or did you just pocket the money? Where's the 80 million dude?
ETHAN: This looks like a 3 million dollar movie, this looks like a 3 dollar movie.
ETHAN: So let's jump in and let's see why Adam Sandler's makin' mil(llion dollar) films.
ETHAN: Why are people still watchin' 'em, and why the fuck, you know, why-why are all these celebrities droppin' dead
and Adam Sandler's still out there makin' movies?
ETHAN: And people are still goin' out there in droves, and he's made 150 million dollars?!
ETHAN: I-it still made money!
So what's-what's the- what? What do we do about this you know what I mean?
ETHAN: What do we do?
ETHAN: Just think less of him. That's my- that's my goal.
ETHAN: I just want you to think less of Adam Sandler, and everybody else in this film.
ETHAN: That's what I'm- that's my thesis. Kay?
ETHAN: Here's the opening scene.
*angry computer mouse click*
Man in Jack & Jill: Sorry Jack, the Dunkin' Donut people want to talk to us.
Jack: Okay well- I
ETHAN: Oh what? Oh what? Did Dunkin' Donuts-
ETHAN: Basically how the movie starts, is he's shooting a commercial for Pepto-Bismol.
ETHAN: 'Cause he's a marketing executive and that's what they do: they market.
ETHAN: So you know, he's in his thing, and he's doin' his thing.
ETHAN: And then this uhh, this hack,
who has no business acting and doesn't care about entertaining people,
ETHAN: What's his name? I want to name names here. (Looks up name) Here comes Tim Meadow.
ETHAN: 'Kay? hack, and he goes "Uh oh!"
ETHAN: He interupts him from shooting his Pepto-Bismol commercial,
TIM: I'm sorry Jack, the Dunkin' Donut people want to talk to us.
*Agressively slams pause button*
ETHAN: WHAAAT?
TIM: We may lose Dunkin' Donuts.
ETHAN: NOOOOOO!
ETHAN: Now this is the complete driving force in the movie.
ETHAN: Dunkin' Donuts; is pullin' out guys.
ETHAN: That's, their biggest uhh, that's their biggest client besides Pepto-Bismol!
ETHAN: Let's see what's the problem. *slams unpause button*
TIM: We may lose Dunkin' Donuts.
ETHAN: NOO!
TIM: They want Al Pacino.
JACK: Al Pacino?
ETHAN: Al Pacino? They want Al Pacino (for) Dunkin' Donuts?
ETHAN: That's very specific.
Jack: To do a commercial?
TIM: Mmhmm.
JACK: The Godfather Al Pacino?
ETHAN: (mockingly) The Al Pacino? In a commercial? The Godfather?
AL PACINO: DON'T MIND IF I DO!
TIM: The Pacino, Al Pacino they sound alike?
JACK: Yes,
TIM: Well, I think it'll be a homerun!
ETHAN: Oh woah woah! Where'd this cart of Pepto Bismol come from?
ETHAN: Here, take a close look at that! It's not even subtle.
ETHAN: They're literally leaning on a cart full of Pepto-Bismol products.
ETHAN: And actin' like "Hey, this is what- this is just what's goin' on!"
ETHAN: There's a cart full o' Pepto-Bismol products, man!
ETHAN: "Hey anybody need any Pepto-Bismol? The Pepto-Bismol cart is on set!"
ETHAN: Booom!
ETHAN: He's like "Ah man, I'm so stressed, *imitates gurgling*
ETHAN: "I'm havin ulcer problems 'cause I can't get this Dunkin' Donuts commercial.
ETHAN: "I need to drink my Pepto-Bismol!" *imitates drinking*
ETHAN: And uh, it's such a weird choice too, like what, are they trying to make Pepto-Bismol 'hip' again?
ETHAN: "Oh man, you know, I'm havin' a lot of digestion problems
ETHAN: "but I'm afraid to pick up Pepto-Bismol because I just don't think my friends will-will approve of that!"
ETHAN: (sarcastically) "They're gonna think that I'm not cool if I'm chuggin' Pepto-Bismol."
ETHAN: But hang on, I got a solution to that. Let's put it in an Adam Sandler film!
ETHAN: And that way, we can connect with our male demographic there, and make Pepto-Bismol a little bit more cool!
ETHAN: Pepto-Bismol, brought to you by Pepto-Bismol, Adam Sandler presents: Pepto-Bismol commercial!
ETHAN: *Ethan Klein cough/hack*
JACK: So it'd be a homerun.
TIM: If you were to do it.
ETHAN: If you were to ever do it, which you won't.
ETHAN: Hmm, something tells me he might just do it.
Random Dunkin' Donuts employees: WOW! AL PACINO!
AL PACINO: It's not "AL" anymore! It's "DUNK"!
ETHAN: But it's in the context of a movie so it's not really an advertisement?
ETHAN: Right?
*set workers chatting*
ETHAN: Hey, do you think Jeff Dunham would ever do a moisturizer commercial?
ETHAN: Boy, my hands are dry, aren't your hands dry Hila? Do you need some lube?
ETHAN: Here, let me get you some, here, I just need use some of this Jeff Dunham Lubricant!
ETHAN: Oh, is that a Diet Coke?
ETHAN: Hmm, he's holding it so conveniently, placed towards the camera.
ETHAN: It's just- It's almost hard to believe that's a coincidence.
SET WORKER: Sort of cool, she doesn't look Jewish at all..
JACK: Wow, that was anti-semitic.
ETHAN: I've got a license to make jewish jokes, my name's Adam Sandler. Would you like some Pepto-Bismol or Diet Coke, how about a bite of Dunkin' Donuts,
ETHAN: starring Al Pacino as "Dunk" Pacino.
ETHAN: I'm Adam Sandler, have you heard about the one with the jew and the Dunkin' Donut?
ETHAN: He made a bunch of money and made a shitty movie, and got paid a lot of money, and fooled people into thinking they were being entertained.
ETHAN: When actually they were being just competely advertised to and being used as pawns, in this game of being jewish.
ETHAN: With Adam Sandler.
JACK: Again, you can't say that
SET WORKER: No, I- *drinks Pepto-Bismol*
ETHAN: Chug that shit, booy
ETHAN: He's stressed out, needs to take, that's 2 chugs of Pepto in one scene.
ETHAN: Come on boy, let's get paid! My name's Adam Sandler
ETHAN: And he's makin' that good Pepto-Bismol money, booooy!
ETHAN: Celebrities are droppin' like flies, Adam Sandler, so don't let that conscience weigh too heavily on you now.
KATIE HOLMES: I love you honey.
ETHAN: Here's Katie Holmes, in her role, not in Batman.
ETHAN: Why? I guess the Church Of Scientology needed more donations that year. And Batman, that Batman money wasn't good enough.
ETHAN: So he's goin' to pick up his sister from the airport
ETHAN: Now here's a good one. Here's a nice, long shot of American Airlines, boom boom boom, that's 4 stacked up
ETHAN: If you count the fractions on the roof, hell why not, that's 8 of them
ETHAN: Now let's check out this scene and see how nice it is.
ETHAN: *snapping* Woohoo!
ETHAN: That one's a little bit, you know, more subtle than the Pepto-Bismol, and the Diet Coke and the Dunkin Donuts.
ETHAN: But still, it's like, you know, we're 10 minutes in, and 50% of the time at least has been watching fucking commercials.
ETHAN: Here's a- here's a lazy Mexican, just passed out on the job.
ETHAN: Here, watch this: you expect him to say something, or interact, or be a character, or something, you know,
ETHAN: When you see- it goes back to the old adage about writing: if you're gonna hang a gun on the wall, you better use it.
ETHAN: You can't just show it, you gotta do something with it. So you expect, here's this goofball Mexican
ETHAN: who's just a lazy piece of shit
ETHAN: He's-he's literally just sleepin' on the job right in the middle of the fuckin' hallway, I mean, doesn't get any more lazier, and stupid Mexican than that right?
ETHAN: Here's the depth of this joke guys, here it is, watch:
*Mexican man sleeping*
ETHAN: That's it. That's it. The character is done.That's the- that's the whole depth of that character.
ETHAN: and that was a joke, you know they wrote that. They wrote that down, they're like "Okay, Adam Sandler enter ther airport, lazy mexican sleeping, closeup of lazy mexican," End of character.
ETHAN: Is this a movie? Is this a movie guys?
ETHAN: If you have a comedian playing more than one character, as different genders especially,
ETHAN: you've got a cancerous movie on your hands.
ETHAN: Now here you don't have just 2, you got 3, he plays the fuckin' bird. Let's take a look at Adam Sandler's performance as a bird.
JACK: Really, really love your shoes.
JILL: You are so weird! Isn't he weird boopsie? (bird)
BIRD: *yells*
*assorted chatter*
ETHAN: Here they are, writing in the office, here writing the script:
ETHAN: "Adam Sandler's driving home with his sister, Adam Sandler, in a car, bird's in the back.
ETHAN: "Adam Sandler rolls down the window, bird gets blown against the cage,
ETHAN: *Applauds*
ETHAN: Is that before or after the lazy Mexican close-up? Oh that comes after the lazy me-
ETHAN: Are you sure, maybe we should put the bird against the cage before the lazy Mexican?
ETHAN: Well, I think we put the lazy mexican before the bird then it has a better impact,
ETHAN: Because, you know the lazy Mexican really softens them (the audience) up and gets them ready for the bird against the cage joke,
ETHAN: Which I really think is gonna shine, in context of the lazy Mexican.
ETHAN: *applause*
ETHAN: Really, really, okay, now when is the next advertisement come up? Okay we're comin' up now with it.
ETHAN: We don't wanna have too many jokes and not enough advertisements, because then you actually get a movie.
ETHAN: Now what we want is an advertisement, with some jokes, for an hour and a half.
ETHAN: So we need to make sure that our jokes amounts is low, and we need to keep it balanced here
ETHAN: Movie, advertisements, we got to keep it in the right place here.
ETHAN: *Ethan Klein Cough/hack*
*gunshots*
ETHAN: Hey, check it out. If you aren't subscribed already, I recommend clicking that button at the bottom there that says "click to subscribe"
And, we've got a video there in the middle I recommend watching, It's from our second channel, and it's a pretty funny goof. It's goof and it's a gaffe
ETHAN: It's a lot of laughs, it's a little sketch me and Hila did the other night, I think it's a hoot
Captions by EWillard44