MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS ONE OF
MY FAVORITE STAND-UP COMEDIANS.
PLEASE WELCOME THE LOVELY AND
TALENTED MR. JIM GAFFIGAN.
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME BACK,
STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
WE HAD KIND OF A MANLY KIND OF--
KIND OF A MANLY STILTED
HANDSHAKE OVER THERE.
I WASN'T SURE WHETHER TO GO IN
>> I'M NOT AFFECTIONATE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE FIVE
CHILDREN, SIR.
>> I'M TRYING TO RAISE CREATIVE
CHILDREN SO I'M WITHDRAWING
WHENEVER I CAN, WITHDRAW
I THINK THAT WILL MAKE SOME
MUSICIANS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, BAND, WILL IT
WORK?
>> Stephen: A FATHER'S JOB IS
TO BE DISTANT, AUTHORITATIVE AND
NEVER QUITE PLEASED.
THAT'S WAY THE CHILDREN CAN
UNDERSTAND GOD.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT ANSWER.
>> Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE
HERE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR
NETFLIX SPECIAL "CINCO."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: "CINCO."
NOT BECAUSE OF CINCO DE MAYO BUT
>> Stephen: NOW IT'S GOING TO
BE AN ALBUM, ALSO CALLED
"CINCO," RIGHT THERE.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT IF--
IF I'VE SEEN YOUR NETFLIX
SPECIAL AND I LOVED IT.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I GETTING
FROM THE ALBUM I DIDN'T GET FROM
THE SPECIAL?
>> WELL, THE ALWUM'S ALL IN
SPANISH WHICH I THOUGHT WAS--
NO, THE ALBUM, WE MADE A POINT--
MY WIFE AND I WRITE EVERYTHING
TOGETHER, AND WE MADE A POINT OF
INCLUDING COMMENTARY TRACKS ON
EACH INDIVIDUAL TRACK WHERE WE
TALK --
>> Stephen: IS IT-- BECAUSE
IT'S A DOUBLE ALBEM BUM.
>> SO THERE ARE TWO ALBUM S.
>> Stephen: IS IT EVERY OTHER
TRACK?
>> IT'S TWO DIFFERENT ALBUMS.
IT'S JUST FOR THE COMEDY NERD
THAT'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, HE HAS
JOKES ON BREAD.
WHAT WERE HE AND HIS WIFE
THINKING ABOUT?"
THERE ARE NO JOKES ON BREAD.
THAT'S ON A DIFFERENT ALBUM!
THERE ARE COMMENTARY TRACTION,
SOME BACKGROUND ON WHAT WE CAME
UP WITH, WHAT INSPIRED THE JOKE.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE THE
DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY ON A DVD.
>> VERY MUCH.
AND THERE'S ALSO BONUS-- THERE'S
A BONUS TRACK OF MY-- I'M KNOWN
AS THIS KIND OF DAD COMEDIAN,
BUT MY FIRST STAND-UP, YOU KNOW,
SIX MINUTES THAT I DID ON
CAROLINE'S COMEDY HOUR WAS ALL
MATERIAL ABOUT MY DAD WHERE I
MADE FUN OF MY DAD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NIECE.
>> SO I INCLUDED THAT ON THE
ALBUM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
WE TALKED BEFORE.
YOU'RE A CATHOLIC.
I'M A CATHOLIC.
>> I'M A CATHOLIC.
I'M NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE-- ARE
THERE GOOD CATHOLICS?
>> WELL, THERE ARE --
>> Stephen: A GOOD CATHOLIC
WOULD NOT CONSIDER HIMSELF A
GOOD CATHOLIC.
>> RIGHT.
WELL THAT'S PROBABLY WHY THERE'S
NOT A TEST, RIGHT?
LIKE, IF THERE WAS A TEST FOR
CATHOLICS, NO ONE WOULD PASS.
>> Stephen: THERE IS, JIM.
>> THERE IS?
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THERE'S A FINAL
EXAM.
>> THERE IS?
>> Stephen: THERE'S A FINAL
EXAM AT THE END OF IT.
"PENCILS DOWN, GENTLEMEN,
PENCILS DOWN!"
>> THAT'S WHAT BEING AN OLD
PERSON IS ALL ABOUT.
THAT'S WHY CHURCH IS FILLED WITH
OLD PEOPLE.
THEY'RE CRAMMING IN IT AT THE
END, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: CHOOS EXACTLY--
>> "I'M HERE!
I'M HERE!
TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR SOME TIME,
MAKE UP FOR MY 20s."
>> Stephen: WE'VE TALKED POPE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WE'VE TALKED
FRANCIS.
WE BOTH LIKE FRANCIS.
>> I LIKE FRANCIS.
>> Stephen: DID YOU SEE WHEN
OUR PRESIDENT WAS RECENTLY ON
HIS BRIEF WORLD TOUR THERE, HE
STOPPED BY THE VATICAN AND HE
WAS THERE WITH THE POPE.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE
REACTION?
>> I THINK OF THE POPE AS
SOMEBODY WHO-- WHO IS-- YOU
KNOW, HE'S FOCUSE FOCUSED ON MER
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN THE POPE
LOOK MORE MISERABLE.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S-- I MEAN, YOU KNOW LIKE
WHEN YOU'RE A KID AND YOU HAD TO
KISS YOUR AUNT AND SHE HLIKE,
FACIAL HAIR?
THAT'S WHAT THE POPE KIND OF--
HE LOOKED SAD.
BUT HE'S LIKE-- I GUESS HIM
BEING NICE TO TRUMP, HE'S LIKE,
"MAYBE THIS WILL COUNT AS ONE OF
MY MIRACLES."
RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: WELL, YEAH.
>> YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S--
THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE YEAH,
BECAUSE MIRACLES-- LIKE IF
SOMEBODY BECOMES A SAINT-- LIKE
IS JOHN PAUL II A SAINT YET?
>> I THINK-- YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
UP TO ME.
>> Stephen: I THINK THEY DID.
I THINK THEY GAVE-- I THINK THEY
FAST TRACKED JOHN PAUL II
THROUGH VENERABLE, BLESSED, AND
STRAIGHT TO SAINT.
AND YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE, LIKE TWO
OR THREE--
>> YOU NEED TWO MIRACLES.
>> Stephen: TWO MIRACLES--
ASSOCIATED WITH YOU.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S TWO.
IT'S NOT LIKE HALF OF US WOULD
BE, "YOU KNOW, IF IT WAS ONE,
I'D GO FOR IT, BECAUSE I CAN DO
THAT THING WITH MY ELBOW."
YOU KNOW?
( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF SAINTS, WHERE I
LIVE, DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN, IS
WHERE THE FIRST AMERICAN SAINT
IS BURIED.
HIS ST.-- NOW I CAN'T THINK --
>> Stephen: HE'S ON THE DOORS
OF ST. PATRICK'S.
>> ST. --
>> Stephen: ELIZABETH ANN
SETON IS THE FIRST AMERICAN
SAINT.
>> NO, HE WAS A SLAVE.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> HE WAS A SLAVE.
>> Stephen: HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN
EARLIER THAN HER BUT SHE WAS THE
FIRST SAINT.
I PROMISE YOU.
>> HE WAS A SAINT, AND HE WAS A
HAIRDRESSER.
HE WAS A HAIRDRESSER, AND HE IS
AT ST. PATRICK'S CANADA CA
NEEDERAL.
>> Stephen: IT WAS ST. PAUL
MITCHELL.
ST. VIDAL SASSOON.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
TWITTER IS GOING TO LET YOU
KNOW.
BUT HE WAS A HAIRDRESS GLER
WE'LL TAKE A BREAK.
YOU CAN STICK AROUND FOR ANOTHER
THING.
>> WHEN HOE GOT DONE CUTTING
PEOPLE'S HAIR, THEY WERE LIKE,
"THIS IS A MIRACLE."
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT