From the creator of your older sister’s favorite 80’s movies
and the Chris Columbus that didn’t kill any Indians
comes the Christmas classic that cable channels have rerun every holiday season for the last
20 years.
20?
God that makes me feel old...
Home Alone.
Deck the halls and gather round for a family film about standing your ground
"Hello!"
in one of the most violent kids movies ever made,
that’s one part Ferris Bueller
and one part Saw.
This Christmas, travel to the all-white part of Chicago
to meet the Mcallisters
the worst family ever.
"Kevin, you're such a disease."
Rejoice in the Christmas spirit as they gang up on this 8-year-old boy.
"Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?"
"You're completely helpless."
"Look what ya did, you little jerk!"
"Everyone in this family hates me!"
Then stick him in the attic and leave the country.
"What else could we be forgetting?"
"Mom?"
Witness years of neglect and abuse take their toll on this small child,
as he shows all the signs of becoming a sociopath, like
manipulation,
"Go."
"I'm sorry."
talking to himself,
"I can't seem to find my toothbrush so I'll pick one up when I go out today."
and trapping two non-violent criminals inside a sadistic world of torture from which there
is no escape.
But gosh darn if he isn’t just the cutest little thing.
Meet the “Wet Bandits."
There’s Marv, who sounds like the narrator from the Wonder Years.
"Kids are scared of the dark."
And Harry, who sounds like Joe Pesci trying not to curse in a PG movie.
Watch as these bumbling idiots
only rob from one block in broad daylight,
wear fingerless gloves during a burglary,
and are irrationally obsessed with one house
"That's the one, Marvin.
That's the silver tuna."
that's really just full of mannequins and poinsettias.
Seriously, there’s like nothing there worth stealing here.
So bundle up and relive the early 90’s joy of
Micro Machines,
Starting Lineup figures,
Johnny Carson,
35mm cameras,
landline phones,
answering machines,
pre-9/11 air travel,
and McCaulay Culkin.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Prepare to have your heartstrings tugged as Kevin, who’s been Home Alone for 3 days,
is finally reunited with his family
then immediately left alone again.
That was awkward.
Starring...
Joe Pepsi
Wish Kid
Little Big Pete
Arcade Fire
The Dad From Home Alone
Igby Wets Bed
Jasper Beardly
John Cameo
Buzzfeed
The Running Mom
and Space Jam.
Home Alone.
Oh man...
This scene always gets me.
I'm not crying!
You're crying!
I
really should call my dad!
Thanks for watching!