Hello, and welcome to the seven people who worked out
where BBC Three actually went.
I'm Jack Carroll
and here's my top ten best things about leaving school.
I did want to do the top ten people on my hit list,
but, as the BBC quite rightly inform me,
five of them were libellous, three were already dead
and one didn't exist.
On top of which, that only makes nine, which "isn't enough"
for a "top ten", according to the sharp-eyed boffins at the BBC.
So, number one. Leaving school has given me
a lot of time to participate in interesting hobbies.
I've started swimming again
and I love the swimming pool
because in there I can do my two favourite things -
urinate in public and drown people.
One of the best things about leaving school is having all day
to sit and watch television. I watch an awful lot of TV.
I'll tell you how you know when you're watching too much.
I was reading the Bible recently
and, in the bit where they put Jesus in the tomb,
I was half expecting him to shout,
"I'm a celebrity, get me out of here" and then Ant and Dec to appear
and make our Lord and Saviour gnaw on a kangaroo bollock.
Not having to sit through dull lessons.
I remember once I got a report card
back from my science teacher, Mr Smith,
where he said I was underachieving.
That's because I found him to be apocalyptically under-interesting.
I mean, mate, underachieving? Underachieving?!
I came second in Britain's Got Talent.
You can't do better than that.
Not having to suffer teachers with bad breath.
What I've learnt is the teachers with the really bad breath,
they like to get the closest
and, from the smell, I can only assume that a teacher's breakfast
consists of three-day-old cheese, rotten eggs
and some sort of animal carcass that's been ravaged by foxes
and left out in the rain for two to three days.
The great thing about leaving school, though,
is that I now have sovereignty over what I eat.
If I want to eat a McDonalds for breakfast,
I can, without Jamie Oliver coming in and crying about it.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind my school dinners,
cos where else can you eat sponge and custard at 12 in the afternoon
without appearing on a Channel 5 weight-loss documentary?
The answer - my house, since I left school.
These days, the Six O'Clock News has become my version of This Morning.
I reckon somebody completely paralysed in a hot-air balloon
tragedy would find it difficult to spend more time in his bed
than I do in mine.
Being productive, or sometimes not.
Now that I've left school, the world is my oyster
and I greet every day with a positive attitude.
I'm going to get stuff done today.
I might learn an instrument,
begin to get to grips with another language, or write a novel.
Ah, no, it turns out I just sat and watched Netflix
and played Football Manager for 12 hours straight.
Always tomorrow.
Not having to suffer supply teachers who are out of their depth.
Here's one for you - what do you call a supply teacher with a lisp?
Lots of things, and then they go home
and cry themselves to sleep and you never see them again.
That actually happened.
You've got to be careful, though.
Push the supply too far
and they might end up beating a kid over the head with a metal bin.
That was a great day.
We're hoping he wakes up soon.
These morons who go around doing and saying terrible things
and think that if they say "banter" after them, that makes it fine.
"Oh, I karate-kicked an old lady down the steps of the school bus,
"but it was for bants, so that legally absolves me all guilt."
"Oh, Donald Trump is going to kill all the Mexicans,
"but it's just for bants, so chill out, would ya?"
Anyway, the absolute best thing for me
about leaving school is being able to continue my unrelenting
campaign of harassment
and antisocial behaviour against science teacher Mr Smith.
You know? He said I was underachieving.
Anyway, I've got his car keys.
LOUDSPEAKER: 'Mr Carroll?
'Come out with your hands up. We've got you surrounded.'
Can I just finish this? It's for the BBC.
'Oh! Er, what, BBC One?'
No, BBC Three.
'Oh, that's gone online now, hasn't it? Yeah, no, that's not enough.
'Come on out, Mr Carroll, you're surrounded.'
Right. Well, there you have it.
I'm Jack Carroll
and there's my top ten best things about leaving school.