-Thank you. Thank you so much.
New York City, you guys doing well?
Awesome!
I'm doing very well.
I have a girlfriend and she is amazing,
but I'm trying to hold onto her and I'm nervous for two reasons.
First, because I look like the guy in a romcom
who gets left at the altar.
It doesn't end well for this guy, mother's always saying stuff
like, "Catherine, I don't care if he cheats on you,
Colton comes from a good family."
Like that kind of...
This is a bottle of pills.
And second, second reason she can do better.
She's kind of overqualified.
Like, she used to be a professional athlete,
which is hilarious because I'm not good at sports.
I played middle school football in college.
I'm just not a, not a coordinated person.
I look like I do sports, though.
But I look like I exclusively do sports
that most people can't afford.
[ Laughter ]
Like I made varsity in rhino hunting or something.
I look like if you said racquetball and squash
are the same three times, I would appear and be like,
"Well, technically..." my whole vibe.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
My girlfriend swam though.
She was a professional swimmer.
She was very good.
She was a multi-time national champion,
she was world ranked and she's retired now
and adjusting to life on land, but you can still tell
she was a swimmer because she's very tall,
very muscular, but still very feminine,
so like skinny waist, broad child-bearing shoulders.
I feel safe in her arms.
And it's, uh, it's different.
It's different dating a girl who's close to my size.
There's like a lot of little things I miss out on,
like a thing a lot of straight guys like to do is
you give your girlfriend your shirt to sleep in.
And it fits her very baggy and billowy
and that makes you feel very manly and protective.
And when my girlfriend puts on my shirt,
it's like, "Oh, that's how that should fit. Yeah, that's..."
[ Laughter ]
Mwah! Mm. Way better. Yeah.
Yeah, you just give it back to me when you grow out of it.
And here's my lunch money, like it's --
[ Speaks gibberish ]
And she swam her whole life, so every guy she dated before me
was a swimmer.
Like, the last guy she went out with was very fast.
He was a 50 freestyle, 100 freestyle specialist
with a little bit of 100 butterfly.
He went to collegiate nationals, he had Olympic Trials cuts.
I only googled him for a few hours,
but a very, very talented athlete
from what I could sleuth up.
And fun fact about this guy, he is 6'7".
My girlfriend's ex-boyfriend is 6'7".
And that used to mess with my self-esteem
but the really cool part about that is
that we can just sleep in his old shirts.
It's great. [ Laughter ]
Very spacious. Lot of room.
And I didn't realize until we started dating,
tall women, it's kind of unfair for them.
Like, our culture has this weird way of making them feel bad
about their bodies, but it's always very subtle.
Like a great example is my girlfriend's feet are a size 11.
But women shoe si-- already laughing all right.
[ Laughter ] Ha, ha! We-- no.
Shoe store typically don't carry above size 10,
so she has to buy all of her shoes online,
on a website called -- how mean is this --
amazon.com, like that's not nice.
Very rude.
And we live together.
We actually moved in after dating for less than one year.
And people think that was a little fast,
but we were both just so in love,
with saving $900 a month, ah, it's so great.
We live in Fort Greene, which is one of those trendy
Brooklyn neighborhoods.
It's the kind of place where gender is a spectrum
but cold brew and iced coffee are very different actually.
It's like that.
[ Laughter ]
So, including my girlfriend, I have three roommates.
And our apartment is a perfect example
of what's happened to Brooklyn.
So I work in entertainment, they work in
marketing, tech, and real estate.
If you haven't read Revelations, that is the four horsemen.
Like this is true, if we stand in a diamond,
put our hands together, and chant
an Apple store opens.
It just rumbles through the ground.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Our entire block is powered by soul cycle classes.
Switched over the grid. All right.
And I like doing stuff with my roommates.
A couple weeks ago, it was me, my girlfriend Laura,
my roommate Harry, and his boyfriend.
And we were watching "Queer Eye" on Netflix.
And I agree, it's a great show.
And I expressed that to the group.
I said, "I really enjoy this show because not only
is it very entertaining, it's also very progressive."
And my girlfriend said, "No, no it's not."
I said, "What?" She says, "Yeah.
This is just men taking the advice
that women have been giving them for years,
they only listen when they hear it from a man."
And I was like, "No, no. I don't agree with that.
I don't think that's true."
And then Harry jumps in.
He says, "Actually, Matthew, studies show men are more likely
to dismiss ideas when they hear them from women."
And I said, "Harry, that is a great point, wow.
Thank you, Herald."
I was blind but now I see.
Hey, thank you so much.
-Hey.
Well done, pal.
Matthew Broussard! [ Cheers and applause ]
His comedy album is available now on iTunes.