- When we struggle with codependency
or we were raised in a household where this was happening,
it can be hard for us
to get out of this pattern of behavior.
Which is why today we are going to talk about the seven ways
we can heal from codependency.
(light music)
Codependency is when we are in an unbalanced relationship.
One person's behavior
helps support another person's self-destructive behavior.
Usually people talk about this as it applies to addiction,
but it can also happen in relationships
where one person is emotionally immature,
irresponsible, or has a mental illness
that they aren't caring for.
I heard codependency once described as one person
has an addiction to a substance or thing,
and the other person is addicted to caring for them.
And that pretty much sums it up.
(light music)
Starting off with number seven,
we will need to untangle ourselves from other people.
Do we spend all of our time with one person?
Maybe we struggle to make any decision
without asking someone further their thoughts
or advice on it first.
Do we feel like we're walking on eggshells
around those we're closest to?
Or trying to do everything perfectly
so that we don't stress them out or upset them.
In order to do any of this work,
we are going to have to put some healthy space between us
and those we're in relationships with.
Because unfortunately, when we struggle with codependency,
it usually finds its way into all of our relationships.
So stepping away for a bit to assess and adjust
is gonna be a really important step.
(light music)
Number six, we will need to communicate
with our partner or friend
about the changes that we're gonna try and make.
If we are going to work to change the rules
of how we interact with others,
we need to let them know first.
I know it's hard to have these kinds of conversations,
but it could be saying something as simple as,
you know, I've been telling you,
you know, I'm trying to work on myself.
And in doing that, I realize that I'm not the best
with boundaries in my relationships,
so I'm gonna be trying to improve that,
and I promise to explain as much as I can
as I work through it.
We can also tell them that it's okay to ask questions
or express any concerns that they have
while we're doing this work, right?
Overall, this is going to be great practice for us,
and will ensure that we don't accidentally damage
any important relationships in our life
while we work to change.
(light music)
The fifth way to heal is to begin to understand boundaries
and how to put them in place.
Boundaries are important so that others know how to treat us
and we know how to treat them.
They ensure each relationship is healthy and respectful.
When we are codependent,
we often don't have any real independence.
And so we can think by telling someone no,
or not being able to do everything someone asks of us
that we're being selfish,
or that boundaries only exist in all or nothing terms
like it's either all about them or it's all about us.
But healthy boundaries are not so extreme.
They are there so that we can take care of ourselves.
And by doing that,
we'll be able to be there for our loved ones
when they need it.
Like putting these in place in all of our relationships
is gonna be key to healing from codependency.
(light music)
Moving on to number four,
we will need to be a detective for our patterns.
Just like everything in life,
codependency is going to look different
for each and every one of us.
Some of us may find it applies to our friendships,
and those relationships being all give
without getting anything back.
Others of us may find that it applies exclusively
to our romantic relationships
and us being attracted to people who seem to need us,
or make us feel like we have a purpose.
Whatever it is, it's important to figure out our pattern
so that we can more easily identify ways
that codependency is affecting us and our relationships.
So start noticing the ways that you put others first
or fixate on others versus focusing on yourself,
and just see what you find out.
Remember, we have to be curious,
not judgmental as we work through this.
(light music)
Number three, get to know yourself.
This takes time.
Often when we've been codependent for a long time,
possibly our whole lives.
We may not know what we like, don't like,
and making decisions about these things can feel impossible
because we never had the chance or gave ourselves a chance
'cause we're too busy focusing on someone else.
So try things out.
Try new music,
movies you've never seen or thought you didn't like,
like I don't like horror films,
or I don't really like romcoms.
Watch 'em, find out.
Try new food, activities,
whatever you can think of.
Give yourself a chance to try it.
See if you like it.
And if not, go ahead and move on and try something else.
But give yourself the time to try new things.
It's okay to not be good at it,
or not know what works or what you like or don't like.
It's like we have to give ourselves a chance to learn
and make decisions on our own.
And since that can be so incredibly foreign,
be patient and kind with yourself.
We could also feel the need to do everything perfectly
as a side effect of our codependency.
So do your best to give yourself permission
to do things incorrectly or wrong
because that's really part of learning and growing.
(light music)
Number two, we're gonna check our facts.
Unfortunately, one of the side effects of codependency
is that we look to other people to validate who we are
or that we're doing things right.
And therefore, we can constantly judge ourselves,
assume others are judging us too.
And that they don't like us,
or that we're doing something wrong,
which is why we need to check our facts on these thoughts.
Instead of letting them live in our heads
assuming that they're true and continuing to think them,
thoughts are just thoughts, remember that.
And having a thought more than once doesn't make it a fact.
So pay attention to what you say to yourself about yourself,
and check your facts on it.
I know this sounds incredibly tedious.
So start with your top five most common judgey thoughts
and see if you have any facts that can back 'em up.
Facts, remember, not thoughts.
Because chances are we don't have any that back them up.
And then, maybe consider what the facts actually do support.
You might be surprised by what you find out.
(light music)
And finally, number one,
give therapy a try.
I know it's hard to reach out and speak up
about something that we're struggling with,
let alone to talk to a stranger about it.
But trust me when I tell you, it can change your life.
Yes, behavior change is hard,
and it can feel like it's just going against every fiber
of our being,
which is why it's important to work with a therapist
so that they can help you push through that discomfort,
and be a safe person to check in with as we try
those new things,
and encourage us when we need it along the way.
If therapy isn't available
or maybe it's not affordable for you,
there is such a thing as Co-Dependents Anonymous
and it's free, online or in person.
And it could be a great option
for support and understanding.
And it is important to know that things like AA, NA,
or CA, co-dependence anonymous are peer support,
meaning that it's not led or supported
by licensed professionals.
Now, that doesn't make it better or worse
it's just something to know,
because I've always believed that if something helps us,
that's all that matters.
So find what works for you and get that extra support.
Oh, and I almost forgot,
another key part of healing from codependency
is going to be improving our self-care.
I know, we hear that word all the time,
and self-care we can think has to look like vacations
or expensive massages, or facials,
that's not what I'm talking about.
We do need to prioritize our basic needs.
You know that HALT I talk about all the time, hungry,
angry, lonely, tired?
Well, we need to look into those things
as well as taking our medication as prescribed
or treating any illness we may have.
Because when we're codependent,
we put other people first, right?
Remember what I said at the beginning
that it's they have an addiction to a thing or a substance
and our addiction is like making their life okay
and keeping them going,
our addiction is them?
Meaning that we're not putting any effort or any purpose,
any focus on ourselves.
And so a huge part of this is going to be
putting some of that focus onto ourselves,
and it's gonna feel uncomfortable.
And we're gonna think we're being really selfish
or we're not putting other people first like we used to.
So we're gonna think we're bad, right?
We can have some shame, blame, guilt,
or embarrassment thoughts that come up as we do this,
but I just encourage you to put that part of yourself
and part of your work as a priority.
I remember years ago, a friend of mine had said
that they put their self-care in their calendar
and make it non-negotiable.
I encourage you to do this,
even if it's just 10 or 15 minutes.
Maybe that means that we get up a little earlier,
I'm not a morning person either,
but we spend a little time journaling
about what's coming up for us
or doing some of the other work
that I mentioned in the video.
There's a lot of ways that we can prioritize ourselves.
Because even if we have to negotiate
with our codependent self, we could say something like,
you know, if I plan to help other people,
I can't pour from an empty pitcher, right?
We need to fill ourselves up first.
And so I believe that this self-care component
is gonna be key as we try out any of the other ways
that I mentioned.
So just keep that in mind.
Are we eating regularly?
Giving ourselves an opportunity to get enough sleep?
Do we need to make an appointment to see our doctor?
Maybe get a physical,
maybe finally get that ache pain itch in her throat,
looked at and taken care of?
Maybe we need to prioritize taking a day off,
walking around our town,
connecting with people, right?
What does self-care look like for you?
It doesn't have to be expensive or take a ton of time.
It can if we want it to.
But consider and maybe even sharing the comments
some ways that you take care of yourself on the regular.
One of the ways that I do is I make time for stretching.
I know sounds kind of weird, but it is it,
and I make sure that I eat every three to four hours.
It's just the way that I take care of my body.
I also drink a lot of water
that's another one.
And as much as possible,
which I'm really struggling with this lately,
is I make sure that I set aside enough time for sleep.
I try to get into bed,
giving myself like the eight to nine hours I know I need.
But what are some things you do, feel free to share.
Overall, remember that healing from codependency
isn't all or nothing.
We are hoping to make progress little by little
and slowly change our patterns of behavior.
Being able to do more of these things in our life
is really the end goal.
Even if it's just every other time
or once every five times, we encounter a trigger.
So do your best to be compassionate with yourself
and your progress.
It can and will get better, I promise.
And as always, feel free to share anything
that has helped you or thoughts that you have
about codependency in those comments down below.
Have a wonderful week.
Thank you so much for watching,
and I'll see you next time.