Transcriber: Claire Yang Reviewer: Taher Koja
Have you ever wanted to connect with someone, but you stopped yourself?
Maybe it was a stranger you wanted to approach or someone you already knew
but wanted to connect with on a deeper level?
If you're like me, you might be familiar with this really fun word called fear,
fear, whispers in my mind. You don't know what to say to that person.
You might be rejected. You're bothering them.
Even if I had the initial motivation to connect with someone,
the more I think about it, the more difficult it seems.
So I end up just keeping to myself where it feels more safe and familiar.
But then I feel a pang of regret.
How many opportunities might it be missing out on?
The mindset of staying in my comfort zone stuck with me for many, many years.
And gradually I felt more lonely and disconnected.
It seemed like other people had more friends than I did.
And they were having so much fun. I felt like I was left out.
I would daydream about being able to go on all these spontaneous adventures,
finding the love of my life and feeling
a deep sense of connection with other people.
The thing is, all of this starts with an interaction I can daydream all I want.
But there has to be that initial interaction for two lives to intersect.
So how could I overcome my internal fear?
I started using my overthinking to my advantage.
I started thinking of all the invisible structures
and norms that underpin social interactions and thought,
how could I design it in a way that made it as easy as possible and had
the highest likelihood of success?
I focused on a central question How could I make meaningful connections easier?
Like a scientist, I theorized I could break down all
the different variables of social interactions and experiment
and make it easier for myself.
And through experimenting and looking at other examples of human connection,
I found a way that I could make meaningful connections easier.
And that came in the form of finding an excuse to connect.
And I'd like to share this principle with you today
so you could apply it in your life as well.
Let's start with a model for interaction.
You are the start and the stranger, this other dog.
Now imagine a third dot between the two of them forming a triangle.
In our TED talk. Why you should talk to strangers,
kill Stark describes a strategy called triangulation.
In essence, there's something that both you and the stranger notice say,
I'm outside and even a stranger, both looking at a public art piece,
I can approach the stranger and say, Hey,
what do you think of this funky looking art piece?
You see, that becomes the physical focal point that brings us together
and gives us an excuse to start talking.
Now, the third point, the triangle could be anything,
I call it an excuse to connect to help you better remember this concept.
Let's abbreviate excuse to connect to it.
So I'd like to invite everyone in the audience right now to participate in
a quick question and pay attention to the other people around you.
Could you raise your hand if you prefer dogs or cats?
OK, let's see a couple of hands up.
Could you raise your hand if you prefer cats over dogs?
OK, I see some people that are unsure.
So could you raise your hand if you don't have a strong preference for either?
OK, there you go. Now, remember
the other people that had their hands raised when you did because you now share
a common ground. You have an excuse to connect your Etsy.
You could approach someone after this talk and start
a conversation about their preference
or lack of preference when it comes to dogs or cats. So why does this work?
If you have a look at our model again?
You'll see that the difficulty in connecting with someone comes from
a perceived distance. To them, this distance can come in many forms.
But I tend to see it when I think of people who are successful people that are
CEOs or have this long list of achievements feels like
I can't talk to them that they're so intimidating.
But what just happened here is I played the role of a facilitator.
I designed the parameters that would make meaningful connections easier.
The ETSI helps lessen the distance between you and the stranger.
So even if the RCO, it's OK to talk to them about if they like dogs or cats.
You see, there's lots of examples out there of human connection storytelling
or community building initiatives, for example,
making big talk instead of small talk or challenging yourself to talk with
a stranger every day for a full year,
or intentionally going out and trying to be rejected for a hundred days
or going to a human library event.
The list goes on and on, and I've started my own human collection initiatives
to through photojournalism, podcasting and coaching.
I realize the thing that was in common was in one form or another,
they’re creating an excuse to connect instead of passively waiting for
the right conditions to line.
They're actively going out and creating
the conditions that mean meaningful connections easier.
And I think you can do this, too.
After looking at all these different examples,
I've been able to distill it into four core principles that you could apply.
The first principle is shift your mindset once you adopt
the mindset of trying to find an Etsy.
It shifts your mind to a more productive
and forward thinking way instead of being stuck in repetitive cycles of worry
of how to talk to someone.
It doesn't mean that you still won't experience fear,
but it makes it more manageable. There's a helpful tool called a fear ladder.
The way it works is you can set a goal for yourself in this case,
trying to connect with more people,
and I imagine it's at the top of the ladder.
Now you can break that goal into the different steps of the ladder
and assign each step a different fuel rating,
in this case from a scale of one to 10.
So approaching a stranger on the street and initiating
a conversation might feel more like a nine out of 10 on your fear ladder.
Or maybe simply giving them an eye contact and a slight nod
and smile might feel more like a two out of 10 on that fear ladder.
The idea is you want to identify what's the first step
and you could take towards your goal but slightly outside of your comfort zone,
but still feels doable and you practice that behavior enough.
And so you feel ready to go to the second step.
And the third step and so on.
And for each step on the ladder,
you can design and Etsy that feels actionable
and realistic to you to see how you could design these attacks.
Let's move on to the following principle principle number two approach with
an invitation. We want to invite the other person to participate.
This is crucial because you're obtaining their consent if you extend
the invitation and they decline, which they have every right to do.
You have to move on, but you might be pleasantly surprised how open people
generally are to connecting. Let's see some of these invitations in action.
There's a really cool project called Humans of New York.
It was started by Brandon Stanton and his goal was to photograph 10000
New Yorkers and share their stories online . This is an Etsy.
Brandon is approaching strangers and saying to them, Hey,
I love to get to know your story, but you have 30 minutes to chat.
And I know this works because I've done it myself at the University of Lethbridge,
I started a similar project,
was interviewing students and professors and sharing their stories online.
And let me tell you, people love talking about themselves,
so this is a really great excuse for me to connect with anyone I wanted to.
Here's another example. What if you googled the most boring town in America
and challenge yourself to go there and throw a party within 48 hours?
Well, this is exactly what a group of guys did.
There's a YouTube channel called Yes Theory,
and their whole premise is life's greatest moments
and deepest connections come when you step outside of your comfort zone.
So they went to this random town in the middle of nowhere and told
the residents, Hey, we don't think you're actually the most boring town.
Let's show the world that you are actually a cool place.
And one thing led to the next they found this barn.
They found this DJ and catering,
and they threw an awesome party that that community will remember forever.
Now, that might sound very big,
but here's a smaller scale thing that you could try out yourself.
I've purchased many parts of question cards that help facilitate conversations.
My favorite card pack is called We're Not Really Strangers.
Designed by casino dining,
the questions are divided into three levels help people build more meaningful
connections. The first level is perception.
These are cards around first impressions and are meant to help break the ice.
For example, on a scale of one to 10,
how messy do you think my car is one in cleanest 10 being a complete disaster?
Explain. Now I remember playing this game with a friend and we drew this card
and I said, my car's a three.
And she looked at me kind of annoyed, and she said, Wow, Richard,
that's so good for you. My car's a nine.
You see, when it's framed as a game,
it helps people open up and because it's in a playful and fun environment.
That's how you can get to these deeper conversations.
If you think back to your fear ladder,
this might be lower on your ladder because,
you know it's a compelling invitation that most people are likely to say yes
to. Moving on to the next principle, it's get a dog.
Now I know the dog lovers in
the crowd right now are shaking their heads approvingly and
the cat lovers are shaking their heads just approvingly.
Well, dogs are this excellent example of an Etsy.
There's been so many times I've seen strangers just approach another stranger
and ask, Hey, can I pet your dog?
Remarkably, dogs are this conduit that breaks down barriers
and forms connections. Now you don't actually have to get a dog.
The principle here is to think about how you could design the conditions
as though you had a dog. This is the reverse of the previous principle,
where instead of approaching others with an invitation,
you can't even excuse for them to approach you.
For example, there's this lady named Molly King,
who runs a project called Churned Out Tuesdays every Tuesday.
She'll dress up in this fancy vintage clothing and just walk around.
And as you might guess, lots of people will walk up to her and ask, Wow!
Why are you dressed up that way or your dress looks
so nice with her dressing up in the splendid and fashionable way?
She's inviting all these different connections. Here are some other ideas.
What have you had a sticker on your laptop that said, if you're reading this,
come say hi or a T-shirt that said free hugs or I thought of this one
the other day. What if you had a sign that said, Future Celebrity,
come get your autograph? So as you can see, there's lots of creative,
quirky ways that you can create connections with others.
If this does feel like it's really high on your fear ladder
and you're not comfortable doing it,
just remember that you can be on the lookout
for other people's invitations as well.
There's a guy named Rob Lawless, who runs a project called Rob's 10K Friends.
His goal is to talk with 10000 people for one on one conversations.
All you have to do is just message him on Instagram
and you can have one of those conversations.
There's these opportunities for human connections all over the place.
If you pay attention, the second place, an isolated incident,
last principle recognize our collective humanity.
We're all human, we all want to feel a sense of love and belonging.
We want to be seen and heard and we want to connect.
Now that we've got to know each other a bit better.
I'd like to do another poll of the audience,
could you raise your hand if you've ever struggled to connect with someone?
As you know, I've struggled with this, and as you can see around you.
Other people have struggled with this, too . You're not alone.
Recognizing our collective humanity is important
because when we don't have these types of conversations,
it's very easy for people to feel a sense of shame that I'm
the only one that's experiencing this and I can't let it anyone else know
or I'll still judge me. The thing is, you're not alone in feeling this way.
Recognizing our collective humanity helps lessen
the psychological distance from us and another person.
It shows that we're really not that different because on a fundamental level,
all people want to connect and all people are struggling with something.
Whether you can see it or not, because we're human,
it means we're imperfect and we're all trying our best to navigate through life.
There's been many times when I've messed up a social interaction and
I think to myself, Oh, that's so bad of me,
but now I'm trying to practice more self-compassion instead of saying they
are so bad of me and say, that was so human, it's me. It's normal to mess up.
But I know if I have my own back, regardless of what happens,
I can step outside of my comfort zone and connect with more people
because one thing led to the next and I sent
I somehow ended up here talking to you on the stage.
Finding an Etsy seems like a simple idea, but it's powerful in practice.
You never know how any connection can transform your life.
Meeting the right person at
the right place could change your whole trajectory might make a lifelong friend
or your business partner or your significant other.
And there's all these opportunities all the time.
I think that finding an excuse to connect and not only transform your life,
but can transform the world,
I envision a world where the term excuse to connect becomes part of our common
vocabulary. This is my life's work and I'm inviting you all to participate
as well. You can find excuses to connect in your schools,
neighborhoods and workplaces. The good thing is we're all built for connections.
Some of us are more comfortable with it than others,
but I believe that you can be
a connector in your own way by applying previous principles.
If you're already a social butterfly,
then my message to you is keep up the great work because you're creating
the momentum for a larger movement.
My ultimate vision for this is to empower and connect connectors.
And we can change our lives and the lives of others,
one connection at a time. So I've given you a lot of different excuses to connect,
but here's one I want to leave you off with. You can use me as an excuse.
You can say some guy on a TED talk told me to connect with more people.
So do you want to talk? Thank you.