So we got an email from someone writing
into the counselors here at The Marriage
Foundation
that, "My wife's anger is ruining
our marriage." I'm not a counselor
at The Marriage Foundation. I founded The
Marriage Foundation and taught the
counselors
so I'm going to try to help you with
this particular
problem and help you see it a little bit
differently.
Because I understand where you're coming
from
that her anger is difficult to deal with.
I mean anger is like
a blanket thrown on a light bulb it's
really
hard to deal with it. It is,
there's no question. So let's
see what a therapist would say
first because I'm going to debunk that.
So therapist if you went in to see one
or if you went to a marriage counselor,
they would talk to your wife about
anger management.
They would point out the obvious that
it's
a very toxic thing
in a marriage but it doesn't really
approach this problem
in a way that helps your marriage, and
isn't that what you want?
You've probably gotten used to marriage
being just
marriage when it's supposed to be
unbelievably happy. So let's start with
that
instead of let's just deal with this
problem. Let's start with,
what it is you really want out of
marriage?
Why settle? What do you want out of
marriage?
I could tell you when I started
helping people with their marriages, I
couldn't use the same
standards that therapists use
because it didn't make any sense to me
which was get to the root of the problem,
have the person who's presenting the
problems, solve the problem.
It doesn't deal with why we get married.
We get married in order to be happier
every single day of our lives,
happier than the day before. Isn't that
true?
Isn't that why you got married? The other
thing
that is clearly
more important but doesn't contrast
being happy is feeling love,
feeling more loved than you've ever felt
in your life,
feeling the kind of love that you felt
in the beginning
that you experienced so you know that
it's real.
Why did it fall away? It's not just
because of the anger.
So let me ask a question first of all
because the anger is on a particular
level
of your marriage where
you want your marriage to be on a level
that transcends
those kinds of things. You want to
experience
love. You want to experience happiness
and yes, you can experience both of those
in greater volume than you've ever
experienced those
when you know how to be married because
your souls
and the experience of love,
of joy, of happiness literally transcends
the interactions of the day but you've
never been taught. You've never been
shown how to connect at that level and
that's the solution.
In fact, not only is that the macro
selection sort of the big picture
solution. It also affects the micro.
It affects your day-to-day interactions.
Let me give you an example. Right now
probably your wife
gets mad at you, she's angry and she goes
off on some
impossible to decipher tangent.
And she knows you really well so she
hits you where it hurts. She attacks you
because that's what anger does to a
person who's experienced
the anger. It controls them,
it makes them almost do these
horrible things. So the first thing is
you got to understand that
the biggest victim of her anger
is her, it isn't you.
And it isn't ruining your marriage, her
anger
is ruining her. What's ruining your
marriage
you might say is your response,
your reaction to her anger and then
her escalated anger because
of your reaction to her anger.
You got yourselves in a downward
crashing cycle that's what's going on.
So, what do you do? First of all, do you
understand this?
You should be feeling sympathy for your
wife
not responding to her anger with your
anger.
You need to be able to see that she's a
victim of the
anger. Can she control it?
Sure but she doesn't know that.
She doesn't even know that it's wrong to
be angry because we're not taught that.
So you need to sort of step up,
you need to step up into a higher place
where you can observe, and don't try to
teach her. You can't teach her anything
but give her loving support
so that the anger isn't further
triggered
that's step one. Don't further trigger
her anger. In fact,
start removing those triggers from her
life, the ones that you
are -- I don't want to say responsible for
but the ones that you're
able to remove the triggers remove them.
Don't say the things that you know will
trigger her.
Don't do the things you know will
trigger her.
Avoid confrontation at all costs
and in the beginning, it's going to be
like walking on eggshells.
But while you're doing that, take a look
at the things that you're doing and ask
yourself,
are there other people who would be
triggered just as well as she is?
Maybe I need to eliminate those things
from my own repertoire so that I don't
trigger anybody.
It gives you the ability. Her anger will
give you the ability
to really take a look at your own
behaviors,
and the ones that should be cleaned up
in your estimation
clean them up. This is an opportunity for
you.
This is not an opportunity to ruin your
marriage,
to end your marriage. This is not an
opportunity
to go crazy and
do a woe is me. Trust me, there's people
who are suffering much worse than you.
This is an opportunity for you to start
understanding your wife better,
to give her the support and love that
she needs. And I'm not saying support her
anger,
don't support her anger, sort of
talk past her anger when you're speaking
with her.
Don't see the anger. Think of the
anger as this
black cloth that's smothering her
and look for openings to reach her
just because she's angry doesn't mean
you can't tell her you love her for
instance.
Just because she's angry doesn't mean
you can't tell her she's beautiful
for instance.
You can still tell her what a great
human being she is.
You could say things like, "Well, I'm
really sorry
that this anger is strangling you,"
but don't make it sound like you're high
and mighty.
In fact, read one of my books
and learn about anger so you can start
seeing it more clearly
because I could tell you right now that
you are allowing her anger
to impact you in a way
that is not okay.
You seem to be reasonable right now
but you need to take that reasonability
to a much higher level
because you're not seeing her the soul.
You're
just seeing her the reactionary
and it really is up to you. You made the
promise to make her your queen to love
her, to support her and all that
so it is up to you to learn how to
transcend this anger.
Smooth out her life for her as much as
you can.
The anger's not going to go away but
it'll
calm way down and you'll start to see it
better,
and you'll start making adjustments
and then you'll eventually be able to
speak with her enough say eventually.
Speak with her about this anger being
something she should consider
working on. In fact,
and I'm only going to tell you this just
for information.
I don't want you to tell her but our
course for women
and our course for men, they're two
different courses, really focuses on
anger
because it's a universal problem.
It's universal because it's innate to
us biologically. It's the drive to
survive
you might say.
It's the point where the drive to
survive
hits the mind and says you're in danger,
bam!
and anger is the first defense.
I think I've given you enough to
take your own next steps. I hope so. You
could leave a comment, ask me more
questions if you'd like.
You definitely should sign up for
this channel so you can learn more about
marriage.
Learn and apply that's what I always say.
This can work out. Don't even consider
that your marriage is getting destroyed.
Don't even consider that
instead, see that your poor wife is
really getting destroyed.
You're standing in front of the bullets
that's a free will decision you're
making. You've got to stop doing that.
All right. I hope this was helpful.
Blessings to you and your wife and
we pray for all of you. Take care!