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- Coronavirus: it's the pandemic that keeps on going
long after it should, like a zombie on "The Walking Dead"
or just "The Walking Dead."
Even as millions of Americans
are getting vaccinated every day,
there are places where coronavirus
is still as out of control as a Zoom kindergarten.
And no state has it worse right now than Michigan.
- As new cases of COVID-19 surge in Michigan,
state leaders are begging for a surge of vaccines.
- Think about surging vaccines into the state of Michigan.
- [Reporter] Some national health experts
are rallying behind them.
- We need to get in the habit of trying to surge resources
into those hotspots.
- [Journalist] And Michigan is a hotspot.
COVID-19 positivity rates haven't been this high here
since the start of the pandemic,
and hospitalizations are nearing peak levels.
- [Newscaster] The Biden administration so far
sticking to its plan of doling out vaccines
based on population.
- When you take it away from one state,
you never know where you're gonna have another surge.
- Okay, look, this is a complicated situation,
but I don't know if the Biden administration's logic
makes sense here.
You can't move vaccines from other states
because they might get a surge.
Yo, Michigan has a surge right now.
That's like having a rhino on the loose
and animal control says, "Sorry, we can't help you
"because if we come over there,
"a hippo might pop up over here.
"We can't take the risk."
If you ask me, the simplest and fairest way to decide
where the vaccines should go
is you get a giant map of the United States
and then you have Dr. Fauci throw a dart at it.
Yeah.
And with the way he throws,
some doses might finally go to Africa.
Yes, we did it Africa!
Oh, and now the CDC is saying that instead of move vaccines,
what Michigan needs is another shutdown.
But instead, Governor Whitmer is just suggesting
that people stop gathering in groups
and going to restaurants.
I know a lot of people are like,
"Why would you do that, governor?
"Why not do something stronger?"
Yo, in the governor's defense, don't forget,
the last time she tried to mandate safety precautions
the state capitol got stormed
and a bunch of crazy people tried to kidnap her.
So I can see why this time she's like,
"You know what?
"You guys do your own thing. (chuckles)
"I'm not trying to get killed
"because you mother (beep) don't wanna order takeout."
And here's why the CDC says more vaccines
aren't the solution.
If a community starts getting vaxxed up now,
it'll still take six weeks
before people there have immunity,
which means it's far more important
for people who are still waiting for the vaccine
to just continue wearing masks.
And while this should be easy for most people to understand,
well, Florida still exists.
- A new study found continued mask use
could save 14,000 lives across the U.S.
They say even the vaccinated should wear masks
because of new COVID strains.
- [News Anchor] But down in Florida,
defiance in Fort Lauderdale where a crowd in the hundreds
gathered for what was as a Million Maskless March,
burning their face coverings,
all while Florida continues to see increases
in cases and deaths, experts pointing to mostly
maskless spring break celebrations as a factor.
- Wow. What a dream protest for Trump supporters.
You get to destroy your mask and increased carbon emissions.
Woo!
And in fact, according to a new poll,
burning pile of masks is now the front runner
in Florida's next senate race.
For real though, people, this protest was ridiculous,
especially at the end when Matt Gaetz
threw his phone into the fire.
I mean, that was just weird.
Why would he...
Oh!
On the other hand though, we are talking about Florida here.
So I'm just impressed that they took off their masks
before they lit them on fire.
Oh, and just by the way, can you please stop calling
your shit Million Something March, right?
If you're not gonna get a million people,
then don't use the name.
What you should do is call it the 12 Person March
so that when 40 people show up, we'll all be like,
"Damn, look at that turnout. Woo!"
(upbeat instrumental music)
The coronavirus vaccine,
aka "People" Magazine's Sexiest Vaccine Alive.
In the last few months,
we've gotten all sorts of different vaccines:
Pfizer, Moderna, AstraZeneca, Montero.
But for at least a little while,
it looks like there's gonna be one less.
- Breaking news this morning.
The CDC and the FDA have just issued a joint statement
recommending a pause in the use
of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine in the U.S.
The agencies say they are reviewing six reported cases
of a rare type of blood clot in people
who have received the vaccine.
Nearly 7 million doses of the J & J vaccine
have already been administered in the U.S.
Officials say these adverse events
appear to be extremely rare.
- Yeah, the FDA has temporarily halted
the Johnson & Johnson vaccine
while they look into six cases of rare blood clots
in people who got that vaccine.
And look on the one hand, I get it.
You don't want the vaccine for one disease
to give you another disease.
Like I wouldn't want the flu shot
if it also gave me restless vagina syndrome.
But on the other hand,
it's six cases out of 7 million doses.
You realize that means you're more likely
to get struck by lightning 10 times,
which by the way is the origin story
of Marvel's most useless superhero.
Help us, Lightning Man! Help us!
Help you?
I need help.
I've been struck by lightning 10 times.
Call an ambulance. (groaning)
Well, he's still better than Hawkeye.
And don't forget, yes, yes, you might have a 0.0001% chance
of getting blood clots from this vaccine.
But if you get coronavirus, you can get lung damage,
heart damage, neurological damage, strokes, seizures,
Guillain-Barre syndrome, immune disorders,
erectile dysfunction, and get this, also blood clots.
Honestly, if you ask me, I think it's actually impressive
that Johnson & Johnson even made an effective vaccine
with such a low chance of blood clots.
I mean Pfizer and Moderna, those are drug companies.
Johnson & Johnson makes baby shampoo.
I'm surprised their shit works at all.
But still, there is no question that this is a setback.
I'm not gonna deny it.
It's a setback for a country that is already dealing
with a shit ton of vaccine hesitancy.
Because even if they look at the problem
and they decide that the vaccine is safe,
you best believe for a lot of people
the damage is already done.
And I get it.
I mean, imagine you're at a restaurant
and the chef comes out and says, "We need to pause eating
"to make sure your dinner's not gonna give you diarrhea."
Even if he then says, "Nevermind, your crab cakes are safe."
By then, you've been thinking about diarrhea for 20 minutes
so you're probably just gonna have drinks.
But look, while this is a small setback,
the U.S. is still doing a really good job
with its vaccine rollout,
which you have to admit is a little unexpected.
I mean, given how America handled everything else
about the pandemic, I wouldn't have been surprised
if when vaccine time came around
America accidentally locked all 300 million doses
in the trunk of the car.
They melted. Why did you-
I didn't know it locked itself.
In fact, one of the only countries that's doing just as well
as the U.S. is Great Britain.
And today they're celebrating the results of that success.
- People in England can once again
have someone else pull them a pint of beer
and enjoy it while sitting in a pub garden.
That's just one of several coronavirus restrictions
now being eased thanks to a fast vaccination rollout
coupled with a falling death rate.
- [Reporter] Many businesses reopened
for the first time since January.
Long lines of eager shoppers
formed outside clothing stores in London.
Some Brits got their first real haircut of the year.
But for others, this is what they've been waiting
all winter for.
- British people, I mean, the way we cope with being British
is going to the pub as often as possible.
So we've been denied that for months.
And now we're like, okay, now we're back to normal.
- Seeing everyone smiling, it really fills you
with positivity and hope that we're gonna get over this.
- I'm on my 10th pint already and I'm speaking straight.
It's great!
- Ooh, 10 pints.
This guy doesn't even need the vaccine.
The alcohol in his blood will kill any corona
that gets in there.
But that's right, the UK is finally out of lockdown,
and that's in part thanks
to a very successful vaccine program.
Now, one thing that the British did differently
is that they prioritized giving everyone
a first shot quickly
rather than making sure that people got both doses,
which actually makes sense, you know?
It's like if you have 10 pints of beer,
you wanna let everyone have some
so that everyone can enjoy the party.
You don't let one (beep) guy drink all 10 pints.
That would be insane, Charlie!
Oh, and another big difference between America and the UK
is that the UK and a lot of other countries
actually had a real lockdown.
No stores, no pubs, no nothing.
America never did that.
And that's why right now some Americans are going,
"Well, I don't get why my life will change
"with the vaccine."
Well yeah, for you, it won't
because you never stopped going to TGI Fridays.
(upbeat instrumental music)
We are now more than one year into this thing,
but it turns out there are still little rays of sunshine
to brighten our daily routines,
like this 82-year old woman who may be the last person
in the country who is still having a good time on Zoom.
- [Newscaster] Looking nice every Sunday
since the pandemic began,
Dr. La Verne Ford Wimberly dresses up in her Sunday best
to attend her virtual church service.
There she is with those fabulous hats.
She's a retired educator from Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Dr. Wimberly was already known for her head-turning outfits
at the Metropolitan Baptist Church.
Now she's turning heads by posting a picture of her outfit
every Sunday, sharing it on Facebook.
Since the pandemic began, she's been very careful
to not wear the same outfit twice.
- Wow. This lady puts everyone at church to shame.
I bet she even sees a statue of Jesus and is like,
"Huh, sandals again."
I mean, maybe this is why the British royals are so hesitant
about bringing Black people into the family.
They know, they know that Black people are the only ones
with a stronger hat game.
And you know what?
This lady inspired me.
I'm not gonna let the pandemic get me down.
I'm gonna cheer myself up by putting on a nice hat.
Boom. Oh yeah.
Oh, I feel so much sadder now.
How did that happen?
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