So this is the title screen.
It's a pretty shitty title screen 'cuz generally the title screen has the fucking title of the game here, and this game doesn't.
So what the hell is it?!
It's nothin'!
It's the NOTHING screen!
Alright, so you hit play and then just--there you go. I don't know what the fuck's happening.
I'm--I'm snowboarding I guess?
...and there's a giant lady to the right.
Why is she so BIG?!
Look how BIG she is! Oh, I'm doin' somethin'.
Oooh, fuck--no--I'm fine.
So I can't crash?
How do I fuckin' fall?
Like I fell on my fuckin' head--I don't even know what I'm doin'. He's just--woah, shit. Buddy...okay.
Hey, lady. Where am I goin'? Are you--should I go to the right still? I guess?
Oh l--dude. Lookit my blizzard meter, I'm--am I gonna make a blizzard? Am I--am I--a--am I the blizzard? I-I don't....I--what?
So this--I'm still goin'...right? OH SHIT!! OH there's somethin' right behind me! I think there's a fucking avalanche right behind me--
Did you see that shit?! Go--GO FASTER! GOOO!
OOOH GOD!
Oh, God!
And then the lady's still there. She didn't get covered.
How did she avoid the avalanche?
Okay. So I hit retry and there's a different woman.
What the fuck am I doing?
Oh, this blizzard is comin' down! Lookit this! The-the blizzard meter's full.
It's like I'm at...McDonald's.
No, wait, that's a McFlurry. Nevermind.
I don't think people can actually go this high on a snowboard, also. I would just like to point that out.
If you're trying to snowboard, and this is discouraging to you...
...this is unrealistic. So don't...you know, don't compare this to yourself.
Unless you're Shaun White. He does this shit all the time.
If you're Shaun White, then you're not a human being.
OOH, SHIT! Did you see that?! The chick on the right took her clothes off!!
Oh, it's one of THOSE games.
Okay, uh--we're beatin' this. I'm gettin' to the end.
I have, uh--I have newfound motivation.
Uh....fff--I need to win the prize money.
For...my sick mother...is what it is.
Oh my God, OH MY GOD. Go--just do the jump! DO THE JUMP! GOD DAMMIT!
I'm sorry, Mom!
*crying* I'm sorry I can't afford your medicine now...
*devishly whispering* I'm sorry that woman didn't take her top off...
Great, and now I retry, and she's got all her clothes back on, like everything I did was for nothing.
Is this why people snowboard? Because now I finally understand it.
GRAB. GRAB. GRAB.
Oh, lookit, I--I made it snow, did you see that!?
Perfect combo causes snow!
I'm like Jack Frost!
Grab everything. Just--just grab the front of the board, grab the back of the board, grab your dick...
Twirl THAT around. Can I like, whip my schlong out and ride that? That's gotta be worth bonus points, right?
Can you go faster? Dude? Can you go faster? I'm like...
Oh--uhhh...no, I'm fucked.
GET THE FIVE! I GOT A FIVE! I GOT A FIVE NONONONO!
GOD DAMMIT, HER CLOTHES ARE COMIN' OFF AGAIN!
I don't know! I gotta make it to the end! I wanna--I wanna see the naked lady--I--the end of the level! I wanna see the end of the level!
Fuck, right in the fuckin', God dammit.
Pullthetrigger, pullthetrigger, pullthetrigger. Somethin'happened, somethin'happened. And then I jump and do this and do that, pull the buttons, push all the buttons.
I'm gonna pull the buttons and push the triggers. That's how it works.
Do that and make it go.
STOP FUCKIN' FALLIN' OVER!!!
So, like, no matter what you do, that avalanche is gonna get ya. It's gonna get my ass in like 2 seconds.
This chick's about to lose her pants, but now she's not! LOOKIT THAT MIDDRIFT! LOOKIT IT!
JUST LET ME GET LIKE 50,000!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?!?
Is there, like, a jump meter that's building up? Is there...is there some kinda indicator that I can...
Nope, I bashed my head in, but then some clothes came off anyway.
Maybe she likes it when I bash my head. Is it funny?
I'm just mashin' buttons now. I w--I was doin' fine in the beginning...
And then I saw the lady's clothes comin' off, so now I'm tryin' to do all kinds of crazy shit to impress her, so she continues that trend...
But I'm just fallin' in the snow like a FUCKIN' IDIOT!
DO THE FUCKIN' FLIP! YOU LOOK LIKE A FOOL!
Who dressed you?! Lookit this...red and black? Looks terrible!
Don't worry, the blizzard meter on my left is like, empty, so...I should be good for at least another 10 or 15 seconds--OH NO.
It's not empty anymore! Do the jump! Jump in the air! Get some points! Ohhh, yeah. There we go.
Okay, okay, let's get those pants off. This--I'm about to be swallowed whole by an avalanche, but if we could just get some kinda progress?
...on the right before that ha--OH YEAH THERE WE GO! COME ON! COME ON! OH, WE'RE GONNA SEE SOME UNDIES! GET OVER--
GOD DAMMIT! GOD DAMMIT!
Oh, lookit--and then we--there's a brand new chick!
There's a new lady now, she's like, "Yeah, you couldn't please the other two, so they left."
"I'm your last chance, buddy."
Ohhh...stop fallin' on your fuckin' head!
This guy is not gonna remember his name by the time I'm done with this level, like...his brain I think fell out a few rounds ago.
Ohhh my God! But not that one, cuz' that was amazing.
His brain is still intact there--he's a--fuckin'--he's a GENIUS!
He's a genius! I'm like Val Kilmer in that movie where he's a GENIUS!
Okay, here we go. We got some...we got some bra...goin' on, on the right.
This is the furthest we've got...
...both in the level and with this woman.
We are--we are breaking new ground here. Here we go...
Ohhh, yes. Ohh, keep goin', keep goin', we're gonna do this.
OHHH YEAH! GO BABY GO WE ARE GOIN' FOR GOLD NONONO!!
Noo! Don't fall down! Don't you fuckin' fall down!
We are so clo--NNOOOOOO! NNOOO WHAT WAS NEXT?!?
WHAT WAS NEXT?! I GOTTA KNOOOW!
They keep teasin' me! Like, I'm--there are--you know, so many...so many beautiful...maps.
Courses. Races.
To choose from.
Yeaahh, get that five! Johnny Five is alive!
Ohhh, no, nevermind. Landed on my head. Johnny Five's dead.
Jump! Ju--fuckin' jump off one of the cliffs, dude!
GOD DAMMIT.
Nope...there's noth--I'm gonna see nothin' again! It's like HIGH SCHOOL all over again!
She just took her jacket off!
So the technique here...right? Is once you get in the air? Just hit all the buttons except for A, because A...s--for some reason plummets you into the fucking ground.
Cuz' I guess that's good?
Unless you actually wanna beat the level. Then it sucks.
That blizzard gains on you so quickly...it's...Mother Nature...is...ehh, she's--she's intense.
Hooolyyy shit. This is looking promising. This is looking so--OH my God. Lookit that.
That combo, like, beat back the blizzard. The blizzard was right behind me and it's like, "Did you see how many fuckin' flips he did? I--pffss. I can't even roll up on him. Like, I can't blizz him right now, he's doin' combos and shit!"
Oh--combo! Blizzard, back off! I DID LIKE A MILLION COMBOS! BACK OFF!
NO NO NO! AWWW! AAAAHHH! THAT WAS IT!
LOOK, SHE HAD--AAAAWWWWWWWW!
...call me...