What do you do when you find out that your spouse is in love with someone else?
I mean, I know it hurts. It hurts deeply. This person that you love,
that you plan on spending a lifetime with now is involved with another person.
And the pain is sometimes indescribable. Yet,
sometimes you're so angry. You don't think about the pain at all,
mixed in all of that somewhere is questioning of yourself. Like,
is there something wrong with me? Did I not fulfill you?
Do I have some flaw that's so major that you want to get away from me?
And a fear that the life that I planned, the life that
I expected is not going to happen. I mean,
those emotions get all mixed up in there. And I understand that.
I'm Dr. Joe Beam.
We've been working with couples in situations like this for over a quarter of a
century. Oh, I wish it didn't exist at all.
I wish that I never worked with a couple in this situation because it would not
happen ever again. But that's living in la-la land.
We're living in a world where it happens more and more.
And unfortunately, because you're watching this video,
I assume that now is happening to you.
Please understand that we can help.
I want to give you three things right here in this video to consider that can be
of value to you.
Number one, if your spouse is involved with somebody else,
Please.
When we teach people, we don't just teach those whose marriages are in crisis.
We talk to a lot of people about marriage,
whose marriages are actually in pretty good shape.
And we teach some very basic principles that work no matter where you are in the
relationship, that I really want to make sure you understand right now,
even as you're in this crisis situation. You see,
if you think of that other person as the competition,
then you'll think if he or she goes away, then that will solve the problem.
And it may seem to you like, "Well, yeah, dummy. Can't you see that?
Everybody can see that.".
Well, not necessarily so.
We teach a basic principle that we call pushes and pulls.
And when we talk about pushes, we talk about,
are you doing anything in your relationship (whether you realize it or not),
that you know is pushing your spouse away from you?
And the bigger those pushes become, the more likely that the spouse may leave.
No, don't stop now. I'm not saying it's your fault that your spouse is gone.
Please hear the rest of this. It's relatively short.
And it's going to be important to understand and know.
I'll talk more about those in just a minute. And then there are pulls out here.
Pulls sometimes can be a lifestyle change.
Sometimes it can be a fantasy that you're chasing. And in your particular case,
it's the fact that somebody else exists out there that they want to be with.
And you're thinking, well, I've got to compete with them. I have to match them.
And sometimes people think, well, there's no way I really can match them.
So what do I do? She's 25. I'm 45. I can't compete with her.
Or he's handsome and rich and I'm not handsome. They're rich.
How do I compete with him?
Please stop thinking about that other person.
You can't control anything about him or her whatsoever.
And even though you think somehow you have to "out pull" them in their sense of
being, what they are even more so... That's not the case at all.
Because when you do that, you'll start trying to be somebody that you're not,
and that's going to work against you.
So please stop viewing this person as your competition.
They are not. If you want to think of competition at all,
think about you being in competition with you. In other words,
that you will figure out (and I'll talk about this again in just a minute),
how to reduce your pushes and how to increase,
augment the pulls that you have...
Not trying to compete with this other person...
Certainly not trying to be this other person,
but being the best that you can be. But right now, just hear that point.
I know it's hard and it may sound like I'm asking the impossible,
but stop thinking about that other person. And secondly,
remember that what's going on here may be a kind of love
that definitely has a short shelf life.
What I mean about that is this,
that often people who fall madly in love with somebody else and want to leave a
marriage to be with that other person,
actually go into a state that we call limerence L I M E R E N
C E. Now I could talk for hours explaining limerence.
Explaining the research, not just the research,
but the thousands of couples that we work with where that one,
sometimes both of them have been in limerence with other people and shown them
how they could put the marriage back together. But right now,
let me hit a few salient points about limerence. If you're wondering,
does my spouse have that? I can't give you a definitive test,
but I'd ask you to think about things like this is your spouse consumed with
that other person? What I mean is...
this seems that's the only thing he or she can think about.
And that every plan they make, every thing they do,
even if they start looking at their phone...
It's always somehow involved in that other person to the point that they're
obsessed with them. Understand that being obsessed,
or consumed with another person is not the kind of love that lasts a lifetime.
No love that intense can last a lifetime.
It has to come down to a more manageable kind of love.
The kind of love that you likely have had in your marriage,
that you were comfortable with and that you felt your spouse was comfortable
with. As a matter of fact,
I'm pretty sure that he or she was comfortable with that kind of love. Now,
this thing has come along. This thing called limerence,
and what happens in his or her head...
Brain chemicals are actually changing. And those brain chemicals,
give them a sense of euphoria.
Whenever anything positive is occurring with that person.
They're quote "madly in love with, in great depression,
or even anxiety" when things aren't going well with that other person.
And again, I don't have a blood test.
I can give you a set of definitive characteristics that you can look at and go,
"Oh yes,
that's definitely my spouse." But if he or she is absorbed into that other
person... Consumed with them... It's very likely limerence.
Particularly,
if their behaviors have changed to the point that you keep thinking to yourself,
"I don't know who my wife is anymore.".
"I don't know who my husband is anymore. ".
Because if being involved with another person is a violation of the beliefs and
values.
They have. In other words, I'm.
Married to you. We should make this marriage work.
We made vows back somewhere along the line. When we married each other,
and now I'm violating those vows.
I'm violating my own morality by being involved with this other person,
when a person does that... They begin to change personality.
They begin to become somebody that you really don't recognize. Now,
they don't think they've changed at all. Or even they say something like this:
"Well, this is the real me. This is who I've always been. And finally,
I can just be.
Me." Sound familiar?
That's how they feel. And they believe that to be true.
But because you've known them for years and you actually are more objective
(unless you're letting your pain keep you from being
objective). You're actually more objective about him or her,
than they are about themselves.
And if you see in that I'm describing these mood fluctuations,
like they're in ecstasy, they're happy there's bliss going on.
Even if you don't understand what it's about. And then there's sadness,
there's depression or there's anxiety.
All those things mixed together indicate that in all likelihood.
Your spouse is in.
Limerence with the other person. You say, but good grief, that's terrible Dr.
Beam.
Right? Not necessarily. I know it feels terrible.
Particularly when you see the intensity,
the emotions they have toward the other person. But perhaps you notice that.
I said earlier, limerence has a shelf life.
If you look at the research that's out there,
and there's some fascinating research about it,
it will last somewhere between three months and.
48 Months. And that's.
What's happening with your spouse. And you got me thinking 48 months,
four years, good grief. That's a lifetime. And I know it feels that way,
right now.
But it probably has been going on for some time
before you ever found out about it.
Because they had to go through an intensification process.
What we call phase one, phase two, phase three,
that I don't have time to explain right now.
But as it goes through that intensification process, time is passing. And so,
48 months actually might not be that far into the future right now.
They may already be a couple of years into it. And to understand that not all.
Of them go that long.
In all the years that I've been working with people in limerence rarely, rarely.
Have I ever seen one go past 36 months.
You see it gets stronger and stronger,
and then it gets exceptionally powerful and eventually begins.
To end. And it ebbs finally away.
And if you're thinking, well, is it a kind of love? My response is "yes,
it's a kind of love.
But a short lived love.".
And you can take hope in that. If you want to rescue.
Your spouse. Now, obviously you.
You could be saying "hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more,
no more, no more. Like the great philosopher, Ray Charles.
And that's your option.
But the very fact that you're watching this tells me that probably.
You want to save the marriage. Now, the third thing to understand is this.
You cannot control the other person.
And there's certainly no reason to try to compete with them.
You cannot control your spouse's limerence if indeed that's what he or she is
in. There's not a pill you can sneak to them. That will make it go away.
There's not some great revelation you can give them that all of a sudden they
go, "What was that thinking?" And they stopped feeling that overnight.
As a matter of fact, when we teach people about limerence, we teach them this:
It's a better idea that you don't try to explain it to them.
Because they're just going to deny it. And then,
if we ever get a chance to work with them,
to help them understand they won't be listening to us,
because they've already put their defenses up against us.
Or against anybody else.
Who tries to help. And so.
You don't try to become their teacher. What you start doing is working.
On yourself. Now we have a thing called pies.
It kind of encompasses all of humanity. Working on yourself, physically,
intellectually, emotionally, spiritually,
to become the best that you possibly can be.
Not because you're just terribly flawed. And that's why your.
Spouse left you. But because.
Of the fact that you need to become a better person anyway, to get through this.
And as you grow and intensify, then you start increasing your pull.
Now, I have some things out there, if you're ever interested in them,
that'll help you understand how to increase the pulls.
There's a thing we call the save my marriage course.
You can find out about it on our website at marriage helper,
that's marriage help er, marriagehelper.com,
or you can call our toll free number.
That's right there on the screen right now.
If you want to find out about that and talk to one of our client representatives
who can explain it to you. It's 12 weeks worth of information,
teaching you how to decrease.
Pushes.
In other words, stop doing the things that are pushing your spouse away,
but at the same time to increase your own pulls.
Not by trying to become the other person... have I mentioned that enough yet?
But by you becoming the best that you can possibly.
Be. And there's.
12 Videos, you can work through with that. If you don't want to do that,
if you're not that interested in it...
At least look at our website and look for a thing called "The Smart Contact Tool
Kit." Because at the very least.
it will start telling us some things to stop doing.
And the communication that you have with your spouse and some things to start
doing that will encourage the possibility.
Hopefully even the probability that you really can understand each other.
Which is the first step toward putting this back.
Together.
I don't have a pill that I can give you that'll fix this overnight.
No such thing exists. I'm not going to make the ridiculous.
Promises to you that some people do on the internet. When you go there and say,
"Well, if I just do this one thing and say this one thing it's going to fix
everything.".
Because that is ridiculous.
But I can tell you that if you stop.
Focusing on the other person as your competition, if that,
if you understand that limerence.
Will end, and that you can find hope in that.
And that.
There are some things that you need to stop doing.
And some things that you need to start doing,
then I want you to hear that there's absolutely hope for you to put this thing
back together.
There truly is. Now,
please believe that. But also believe as I've just been saying...
It's work. So, are you willing to do that work?
Are you willing to do the things you need to do to become the best you,
you can possibly be? By the way,
the biggest downside of that is if your marriage does fall completely apart,
which we certainly hope does not.
Happen. We're all.
In favor of trying to help you put this marriage back.
Together. But if it does.
Fall completely apart by becoming the best you can possibly be...
The worst thing that can happen is it sets you up to have a better relationship
down the line.
Because like attracts like.
And if you're going to be this sad, miserable person... this marriage.
Ends and you want another relationship...
What kind of people do you think you're gonna.
Attract? Well, no.
Again, I'm not trying to set you up for the next marriage.
What I'm telling you right now.
Is this: there is this thing called limerence. It exists.
These brain chemicals are there and.
It will, at some point.
Go away.
If you, in the meantime, are working on your pulls,
and decreasing your pushes...
Then when this thing over here finally ends...
And it will.
Almost always the people who leave a spouse for a lover
like that, don't even marry the lover. It's rare.
For them to actually marry them, even though they think they will.
And so when this falls apart, if you've been.
Diminishing your pushes and increasing your pulls...
That's the way to draw your spouse back to you.
Now we'd love to help you figure out how to do that,
and to understand a whole lot more than what I'm telling you here.
Give us a call, let us help you.
Because we care about your marriage.