-Thank you very much, everyone!
Thank you! On a Friday!
That's some Friday love right there.
Thank you. Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, everyone's still talking about
last night's presidential debate.
But based on the early ratings,
it had about 7 million fewer viewers than the first one.
It's not that 7 million people chose not to watch.
It's that after the first debate, they left the country.
[ Laughter ]
Based on some snap polls, Trump won the debate
by 98% to 2%.
That's according to the fair polling site,
guntotingeagle.com.
[ Laughter ]
But this is interesting. The Trump campaign announced
that yesterday was their biggest online fundraising day ever,
pulling in $26 million.
Wow, he really has the bird-killing wind at his back.
Yep, Trump raised $26 million.
Today he was like, "Spend the million on TV ads,
put the rest in my Chinese bank account."
[ Laughter ]
Did you see this? Two of Trump's guests last night
were Kid Rock and golfer John Daly.
Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ] They look great.
I think they bought those clothes at QAnon Members Only.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump wanted Kid Rock's support, mostly because
he thinks Kid Rock is Dwayne Johnson's son.
[ Laughter ]
I shouldn't make fun of them. In 2024,
that's going to be the Republican ticket.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, after the debate, Donald Trump Jr.
went on Fox News and he was really pumped
about his dad's performance.
I mean, really pumped. Watch this.
-The media runs right away. It's Russian disinformation.
There's literally zero evidence
that it's Russian disinformation.
The Director of National Intelligence said --
and by the way, more importantly, the FBI said it,
and I don't say that because I think the FBI has more
credibility, I say that because it's pretty clear that the FBI
has done whatever they possibly could to hurt Donald Trump.
So if they're even coming out and saying this,
meaning the upper levels of the FBI.
The door kickers love us,
not so much the bureaucrats at the top.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay.
Was he double parked or something?
[ Laughter ]
Looks like someone's been dipping into Daddy's
nuclear-powered steroids.
He sounds like a kindergartner
who can't wait to tell you about his day.
And then -- and then -- and then we finger painted,
and then we ate lunch, and then we played outside,
and then we -- and then we stuck up for Russia,
and then --
I didn't know if I was watching "Hannity"
or an episode of "Narcos."
[ Laughter ]
In six months, Don Jr.'s going to be auctioning off
unclaimed storage units.
[ Laughter ]
That was a good deep cut.
He sounds like the guy who reads the side effects
on the end of a Zoloft commercial.
[ Rapid indistinct talking ]
Sounded like every conversation that's ever happened at a rave.
[ Laughter ]
Well, with less than two weeks until the election,
the President is campaigning as much as he can.
Take a look. -President Trump,
he is about to begin a whirlwind weekend of campaigning.
He'll be heading down South for campaign events in the villages,
then a rally tonight in the Panhandle and Pensacola.
He'll be staying overnight in Florida, getting a chance
to early vote tomorrow.
He'll be holding rallies this weekend in places like
North Carolina, Ohio, and Wisconsin.
And then Sunday, another rally in New Hampshire.
-He's starting to turn into that band where
you're just like, "Weren't they just here?"
[ Laughter ]
The rallies aren't really changing
Trump's approval rating.
However, the coronavirus numbers are through the roof.
[ Laughter and ohhs ]
Trump hasn't worked this hard since he had to be quiet
for two minutes at the debate last night.
[ Laughter ]
This is pretty crazy.
A security researcher claims that he was able to
get into Trump's Twitter account by guessing his password.
Check out what it was.
-A Dutch security researcher was able to access
President Trump's Twitter account last week
by guessing his password,
maga2020!
[ Laughter ]
-If you're worried about the nuclear codes, don't be.
That password is maga2020!! with two exclamation points.
[ Laughter ]
Well, another big story is early voting.
Millions of Americans are doing it,
and today one of them was Mike Pence.
Here he is casting his ballot in Indiana.
Yep, the Pences were excited.
They haven't done a joint thumbs up since their honeymoon.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"What do you think?" "All right."
Some news from overseas.
-Okay.
Never mind.
-Some news from overseas. -[ Laughs ]
-North Korea has ordered a lockdown over concerns that
yellow dust from China could spread the coronavirus.
Kim Jong-Un made the announcement,
along with his infectious disease expert,
Dr. Kim Jong-Fauci.
[ Laughter ]
If the lockdown wasn't bad enough,
Kim Jong-Un is now forcing everyone
to do a Zoom happy hour.
[ Sighs ] Gosh.
If you think quarantine in America is bad,
over in North Korea, the only thing they have on Netflix
is "Emily in Pyongyang."
[ Laughter ]
-Nice one. -You can give me a thing.
-I got it. -Yeah, yeah.
It's just a mental -- it's a silent [imitates rimshot].
-I got it. -It's alright.
[ Rimshot ] No, no. That's right.
That's hacky. I know. You don't want to do that.
-I take it back. -Yeah. Yeah.
-[ Imitates reverse speaking ]
-Oh, he took it back. -Yeah.
-Oh, my God. [ Applause ]
-He actually reversed himself.
He reversed himself. That was awesome.
[ Imitates reverse speaking ]
Hey, did you see last night the New York Giants
were playing...some team. -Who?
-[ Groaning ] -It doesn't matter, right?
The Philadelphia Eagles.
-Yeah. [ Rimshot ]
-And Giants quarterback Daniel Jones tried running
for an 88-yard touchdown.
Let's see how that went.
-From the 12. Jones keeps.
Gets a block.
Takes off, and he is gone!
Trying to stay upright, and he trips!
[ Gasping ] [ Rimshot ]
[ Laughter ]
-That felt like re-watching
the last season of "Game of Thrones."
Like, yes, yes...aw!
[ Laughter ]
Well, the holidays are coming up,
and Southwest Airlines just made a big announcement
about their flights. Take a look.
-Southwest Airlines is dropping a pandemic policy
that provided more social distancing on flights.
It will no longer keep middle seats empty,
starting December 1st.
Southwest says air filtering and masks
have created healthy environments aboard planes.
-Come on. It's Southwest.
The whole plane is a middle seat.
[ Laughter ]
You actually don't have to worry,
because even the coronavirus doesn't want anything to do
with the middle seat on Southwest.
The middle seat on Southwest.
I'd rather be on lockdown in North Korea.
Pretty sure the only in-flight entertainment they have
on Southwest is "Emily in Pyongyang."
[ Laughter ]
[ Scattered applause ]
And finally, Guinness is about to unveil
its newest product. Let's see what it is.
-Guinness launching its first-ever non-alcoholic beer.
It's called Guinness Zero.
It took the company four years to re-create the same taste
as its original stout without the alcohol.
-If you order that in Ireland,
you're marched through town while everyone throws
rotten vegetables at you.
"Shame, shame!"
[ Laughter ]
Guinness without booze?
Here's how Irish people are reacting.
-Come on! -There you go.