- I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, I THINK A LOT OF Y'ALL THINK
THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS
BECAUSE I HAVE A TV SHOW AND I LIVE IN A BIG HOUSE
AND I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
AND-- [cheers and applause]
YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T.
AND SO-- [laughter]
AND HERE'S SOMETHING THAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF-- I SEE THE "US" MAGAZINE
THAT SAYS "STARS ARE JUST LIKE US."
WE'RE NOT. WE'RE STARS.
[laughter]
AND NORMAL RULES DON'T APPLY TO US.
AND I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THIS,
BUT IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE,
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A FEW EXAMPLES, OKAY?
I'M BREAKING THE CODE. I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
AND I'M PROBABLY NOT GONNA BE ALLOWED BACK IN VEGAS.
I'M THINKING OF MAGICIANS. SO I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
SO HERE'S A FEW EXAMPLES OF WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN CELEBRITIES ARE DRIVING,
WE DON'T HAVE TO LOOK IN OUR REAR VIEW MIRRORS.
WE CAN JUST CHANGE LANES WHENEVER WE WANT.
THAT'S JUST ONE OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.
AND YOU KNOW, WHEN, LIKE,
YOU'RE AT HOME WAITING FOR THE PHONE COMPANY,
AND THEY SAY THAT THEY'LL BE AT YOUR HOUSE
BETWEEN 10:00 AND 2:00,
FOR CELEBRITIES, IT'S BETWEEN 11:00 AND 1:00.
A LOT NARROWER OF A TIME.
WE CAN--AND WE NEVER HAVE TO PAY FOR A SIDE SALAD.
THAT'S JUST GIVEN TO US.
THIS IS A BIG ONE.
WHEN OPRAH GIVES SOMETHING AWAY ON HER SHOW,
CELEBRITIES GET ONE TOO.
AND WE ALWAYS GET-- CELEBRITIES ALWAYS GET
THE NEWEST iPHONE, AND I JUST GOT MINE.
HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE.
THAT.
IT'S PRETTY.
AND WE CAN KEEP LIBRARY BOOKS OUT AS LONG AS WE WANT.
I'M KIDDING. WE DON'T READ.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
ANOTHER--CELEBRITIES, WE CAN SWIM IMMEDIATELY AFTER EATING.
WE-- WE DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.
AND--OH, HOLD ON. I'M GETTING A CALL.
HELLO?
IT'S MERYL STREEP.
HOLD ON.
SEE, IF I WAS SOMEBODY ELSE, I WOULD TAKE THE CALL,
BUT I'M NOT.
INSTEAD, I'M GONNA DANCE.