- Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like,
"Hey, Natasha.
"Don't you think you're a little attractive
"to be a comedian?"
And I'm like, "Don't you think you're a little ugly
"to be talking to me?"
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
By the way, I would rather walk in on my boyfriend
jerking off while hanging himself
than have him have one of those "Call of Duty" headsets on.
(audience laughs)
That's the one where you protect our country from your couch
while you're eating a sandwich.
I saw you nod your head, sir.
How many hours a day?
(audience laughs)
- [Man] Six.
- Six?
How old are you, 40?
When Napoleon was your age, he conquered half of Europe.
(audience laughs)
So it's just something to think about.
Are you married? - No.
- Men don't even wanna get married anymore.
Marriage seems like it would be the best deal
for a dude.
You could like, get someone to have sex with you
for the rest of your life,
someone to find your wallet every day.
Close the cabinets behind you, pick up your socks.
Okay, it would be one thing if guys
would take off their socks and leave 'em on the floor,
but they'll like, pick 'em up
and then put 'em by the bread.
(audience laughs)
Why are your socks by the bread?
"Oh, they're not all the way dirty yet."
I mean, I could see like 100 years ago,
'cause you see these TV shows now
and movies and women are like,
"I'm 31, I have to get married!"
Like, I don't understand, what is the point?
There's no point to a man.
Like 100 years ago, I got it.
You had to get married.
They wouldn't let women vote,
they wouldn't let us read.
They would tell women if they read a college-level book,
it would shrink their ovaries.
Like, your dad would give some guy some land
and some cows and you could just relax.
And if you wanted a dress or something,
you wouldn't get a job,
you would just twist your dimples and talk to your husband
and act like a baby.
Like, "Please, Mr. Sweetie.
"Buy me a dress."
(audience laughs)
And then, if he didn't give you what you wanted,
you would just faint.
Like, they had couches made just for fainting.
If you didn't get you wanted, you would just get the vapors
and pass out.
Now we all have to work.
(audience laughs)
All these dudes.
No one wants to grow up.
There's like these hipsters.
So many hipsters in LA.
You know these guys,
they'll be like 40 years old,
wearing a flamingo onesie,
and carrying around an old-fashioned typewriter.
They got a monocle,
just like, looking for pussy.
They're like calculated bros.
Sorry if I'm calling you out, guys.
But it's like they've all figured out
girls don't wanna fuck Pauly D.,
they wanna fuck someone who looks like David Koresh.
So they've all like, growing these long beards
like they think they're Ernest Hemingway.
If Ernest Hemingway were alive,
he would beat the shit out of every hipster.
There would just be trails of bloody hipsters
outside every artisanal coffee shop
and beard waxing facility.
You know these people I'm talking about?
Like people who have to wear their coolness?
Like, not me.
I have style, that's different.
But like, you see these guys,
they'll have like "Mork & Mindy" suspenders,
and like a tattoo of a parallelogram.
And they can't light a pilot light.
They can barely wave.
They're like, "Hey.
"I'm Beowulf."
Okay, nobody's named that.
(audience laughs)
"Hey, I'm Nathaniel."
Okay, I'm sure your parents named you Nathan.
In college, you were probably called Nate Dog.
Nathaniel, that's like the name of a ghost,
not an emaciated barista with a Mr. Pringles mustache
and a gluten sensitivity.
(audience laughs)
Why do only hipsters get gluten allergies?
Are they activated by American Apparel purchases?
I just broke up with a guy.
It's hard though, girls,
you know, when you have to be the one that says it.
Listen, you've run out of money.
(audience laughs)
(Natasha chuckles)
I have all these feminist friends
and they're like, "Natasha, how can you just let men
"buy you things?"
And I'm like, "Obviously, you have no idea
"what it's like to be pretty."
(audience laughs)
I just went home to Illinois.
And I,
I
asked my family, "Are you guys planning on talking
"in those accents the whole time I'm home?"
And my mother said, "You used to talk like that too, Tasha."
And I said, "Yes, but you see,
"I've reinvented myself.
"Do you have any idea who I think I am?"
(audience laughs)
Is there a screening process to get a job at Rite Aid?
Has anyone been to one of these?
I was there, it was this women's job
to collect the baskets.
I wanna show you how she was doing it.
(audience laughs)
Like, do these people just wake up in the morning,
look in the mirror and go,
"As little as possible"?
(audience laughs)
And then, I'm waiting in line to pay
behind this mother-daughter cowgirl team,
and they don't have enough money,
so they realize they have to put something back.
So the mom's like, "You put your book back."
"I'm not putting my book back, you put your book back."
"Why should I put my book back?
"You put your book back."
Finally, I just felt like helping them.
I was like, "Ladies, 'In Touch Weekly's' not a book."
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
And then it's my turn to pay,
and the women behind the register is like,
"Debit or credit?"
As I'm signing, I feel this sharp thing hit me in the head.
The woman behind the register is clipping her fingernails.
(audience groans)
I got so mad, I grabbed my stuff.
And as I go out, she goes, "Have a blessed day."
But see, I knew, even in her head,
she misspelled the word, blessed.
So sad.
Did you know they have home paternity tests now at Rite Aid?
Not pregnancy tests, paternity tests.
So you can go down the aisle, you know, you and your kid.
Oh, let's get some toilet paper.
You want an ice cream cone?
You know, while we're at it,
why don't we see who your daddy is?
(audience laughs)
It's on aisle four.
So my boyfriend,
I have to tell you this story.
So my boyfriend really wanted me to meet,
is this the Burning Man table right here?
So my boyfriend really wanted me to meet his friend.
He's like, "We go to Burning Man every year.
"You know, she's so awesome."
Turns out, she's one of those girls
who's really awesome to men,
and then a total bitch to women.
(audience laughs)
And so, let me just set the stage.
So she's this white chick, red dreadlocks.
We're in Austin.
I'm talking to her.
Okay, first of all, she has a tattoo
of angel wings on her breastplate.
Okay, wrong side.
(audience laughs)
Oh, and her name is Flapjack.
And so Flapjack is sitting there holding court.
And she start, do you guys know her?
'Cause everyone has to have their own name.
Okay, so Flapjack is holding court
and she starts bragging about dumpster diving.
And so I'm assuming she's talking about an art project.
You know, 'cause everyone at Burning Man's like,
"Oh, here's my art project,"
and they just bedazzled a school bus.
So I'm like, "Oh,
"Is this for your art project?"
And she goes, "Not for art, for food."
And so I start freaking out
'cause I think I've offended her.
So now, it's like I'm his fiance,
I'm trying to be nice.
I'm like, "Oh, well, you know, sometimes
"I would used to waitress
"and I would steal people's chicken wings off their plate,
"so I totally get what you mean."
And this girl turns to me and says,
"Oh, you're not a square at all, are you?"
Okay, first of all, I love the idea
of a stuck up bitch who dumpster dives.
(audience laughs)
Oh, I'm such a square with my birth certificate
and car insurance
and un-pierced genitals,
and food I've put in the refrigerator
like a real loser.
(audience laughs)
So then I wiped my ass with a vegan wrap
and threw it in the closest trashcan
for old Flapjack to munch on.