'I undersatnd that your brother did a lot of work on Gorillas and apes.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Whoo!’
This week we’re back with Bela Lugosi in yet another film that is patently beneath him
‘You have no idea what I’ve gone through in the last few months’
This time it’s The Ape Man in which we see Lugosi as never before
Oh no, he’s shacked up with a gorilla
‘Well what do you think of that’
I think it’s a little weird to be honest
‘That makes 2 of us’
but of course it’s not as simple as that, Lugosi is a scientist who tested a serum on himself
‘Unfortunartely it was a great success’
A success? So… this is what you were trying to do?
‘What a mess I’ve made of things’
Actually Lugosi remains very articulate, because apparently gorillas are basically humans with a beard and a bad back
‘I can’t straighten up’
and of course occasional bouts of homicidal rage
‘I try to fight it with all my will power’
which is why he locks himself up.
Elsewhere we have a creepy guy who follows everyone round for some reason
‘Hey are you going to town?’
‘yeah’
‘Fine. Go right ahead’
and the good guys are the inevitable wise ass reporter
‘What went by when I wasn’t looking’
and the female photographer who should just get back to the kitchen
‘a little touch up on the hair, a new pair of lips and you’re as good as new’.
Now given that he masterminds several ape-assisted murders
and strangles his own sister.
You’d think Lugosi would feel the need to lock himself up again, but does he?
‘Come to think of it, no’
Not even once. It’s just an arresting way of introducing the character
and this is a problem throughout the film; there’s no consistency.
‘I must have human spinal fluid injected into me’
Lugosi needs human spinal fluid to turn back into a man, but there’s a problem.
‘That fluid must be taken from a living person’
and yet he kills everyone before taking it.
The reporter can’t spell clue
Lugosi’s sister is a ghost hunter who makes records of ghosts
(weird ghost noises.)
which frankly sounds more interesting than the rest of the plot
‘This spirit in Scotland is known as the galloping ghost of Garaway’
but has no bearing on anything
also, she has an American accent and they don’t even try to explain how two siblings can sound so different!
‘Prepare yourself for a great shock’
Most perplexingly, at the end the gorilla which has helped Lugosi kill,
with whom he seems perfectly chummy
and to whom he can even talk
(Gorilla speak)
suddenly and for no apparent reason turns on him
I guess the honeymoon is over for them,
but it’s just beginning for the irritating reporter who snares the girl with a typically 1940s chat up line
‘I oughta put you over my knee and paddle you good’
what a lucky girl.
‘Funny, very funny’
but we end on the film’s big twist; who was that weird guy who kept following people
‘I’m the author of this story, screwy idea wasn’t it?’
Well if ‘screwy’ is a synonym for total bullshit then yes, absolutely, screwy it is.
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