(guitar strumming)
- Welcome to Set List: Standup Without a Net
live at Nerdmelt!
(audience clapping and cheering)
- This is my third time.
The first time I did it, it was horrible.
The second time I did it, it was great.
So, I have a real love/hate relationship with Set List.
- Well, you're welcome to never-before-seen Set List
with Mr. Kirt Braunohler.
(drum music)
(crowd cheering)
(clapping)
- Hello, hello.
So, I've been super into toast lately,
and uh...
(audience laughing)
the thing about toast is that you gotta make it perfect.
Nobody wants a burnt piece of shit.
Jesus once said that.
(audience laughing)
In Aramaic, shit is the same word as spirit,
so people were confused for a while.
But what a lot of people say is
Jesus wasn't necessarily God, but he was a man.
A normal man from the far future,
and he's been on a fast moving spaceship
for a very long time.
And as we all know, it's essentially a time machine.
And you use that time machine to go back,
essentially to insert dick pics
and fart jokes into the Bible.
(audience laughing)
Have you ever seen Moses when he split the water?
It's called splittin' water.
(audience laughing)
And he's holding his hands up like this.
What if two dicks?
(crowd laughing)
Fun
(audience laughing and slow clapping)
I, you know what they say about guys with big feet, right?
All I'm saying is don't fuck Bigfoot.
His dick will rip your asshole in two.
(audience laughing)
I, there's nobody I like more than a talent scout.
Somebody who sits in back and judges
and decides whether or not you get something.
That's my favorite person.
And whenever I see someone in the back of the show,
kind of judging, and kind of,
"Oo, I'll pick and choose who will become famous,"
I always say, "hey, friend.
Do you want to play a fun game?"
They always say, "What is it?"
And I just put a gun in their mouth
and blow their fuckin' brains out.
(audience laughing)
But that's too harsh sometimes,
so sometimes I'll tell them it's Russian roulette.
But it's not.
It's fully loaded.
The whole thing is loaded.
(audience clapping and laughing)
I'm pretty sick and tired of fucking zombie shit.
But, this would be great.
If you became a zombie
but it took about three weeks for the process to happen,
so you get bit by a zombie, then for three weeks
your life gets fucking amazing.
Like, you become super-human, you're really romantic,
you're funny, you're smart, and then,
right at the top of those three weeks,
everyone's become your friend.
Boom.
You're a zombie.
And you're horrible.
Your jaw just falls right the fuck off.
Imagine that's the world we're talking about.
Now that we've got the world, let's get a setup in there.
What is this about?
Labor unions.
Alright.
Now, imagine in this world,
everybody's become zombies, right?
But, Joan Rivers, she's still alive, okay?
She still has a show called Fashion Police on E!
But "E" now stands for "eeeeh"
because fucking zombies, alright?
But, Joan Rivers, she won't let the writers unionize,
because she doesn't give a shit.
Even though she's very cool.
Did you see that documentary?
It was before she became a zombie.
Now, all those zombie writers for fucking Joan Rivers,
they strike, and what do they do?
They get other zombie writers to come in,
because guess what?
Fucking Fashion Police on "eeeh" is just,
these are the jokes (grunting) (groaning)
and that's fucking hilarious.
And what I'm saying is, this is my TV pitch
for you guys.
It's kind of a Walking Dead part two.
Just think about it.
I'm pitching it now.
If there's a talent scout in the back,
meet me in the alleyway, because I've got
something to show you.
Thank you.
(guitar music)
There were some moments.
If that could edit it, that would be great.
(drum music)
- Mr. Kurt Braunohler!
(electronic music)