i just celebrated an anniversary
recently i am one year sober
[Applause]
i noticed that when i quit drinking my
husband started collecting expensive
whiskey
thought that was a little annoying
so i was like babe how come when i quit
drinking you started collecting whiskey
and he was like i have been trying to
collect it the whole time
i am from wisconsin though that's just
what we do we drank
we have t-shirts in our airport that say
drink wisconsinably
my first shot of hard liquor was ever
clear
if you don't know what that is
congratulations
you have homework
it's 190 proof grain liquor
and that being your first shot is a lot
like losing your virginity to a traffic
cone
everything else is smooth sailing
when i was 15 i gave up drinking for
lent
but that was too hard so i gave up
catholicism instead
and the priest wasn't sad to see me go
because i was not his type
i did quit drinking but i wasn't
convinced in the beginning i was an
alcoholic because you go to these aaa
meetings and you hear the craziest [ __ ]
like the first one i was at this woman
was like seven years ago i was giving
myself an abortion in an alley with a
water pit
i was like
you can use a water pick
i could have saved so much money
talk about a life hack
and if you drink a lot and you're not
sure if you're an alcoholic just pay
attention because the world will give
you clues
one of my clues was a country music song
called when i taste tequila and the
premise of the song is every time this
guy tastes tequila he thinks of one
person
thinks of his ex-girlfriend and all the
fun times they had together
and i'm like whoa when i taste tequila
it's just a montage of dicks
just like the
2008-2011 marquette men's basketball
team
college was a blackout
in a couple of different ways
i did hear from a guy recently that i
used to hook up with in the nba
and i thought he was going to be calling
to talk about the glory days the horry
days
but instead he called to tell me that
now he's a jehovah's witness
and i should repent
and i started laughing and he was like
why are you laughing and i was like this
is just really hard to hear coming from
someone who peed in my mouth
and he was like brittany this is
life-changing stuff and i was like so
was that threesome we had with your
cousin key
i will say this [ __ ] a white guy's
like eating a salad
you don't do it because it's the most
filling option
you do it because it's good for you
my husband's white snow after we [ __ ]
he's like i'm sad
i i do feel bad for my husband though
you guys are like we do too
because he uh i got sober in our
marriage and i used to be a very frisky
drinker um but i do give him credit he
does try and keep my inner hoe alive
uh the other day we were stuck in
traffic and he's like yo babe give me
road hood and i was like
i'm not gonna do that
he was like why not i was like it's
broad daylight we're in standstill
traffic
everyone would see me
and he was like man you're no fun
anymore
and i was like i'm driving
i love my husband and i love being
married but i do feel like married sex
gets a little boring
i was talking to my girlfriend about
this the other day and she's like have
you ever heard of sexy stranger and i
was like no what's that and she's like
it's where you dress up like strangers
and then you go out like strangers and
then you go home and [ __ ] like strangers
and i was like oh have you ever heard of
a real stranger
because that's who i'm trying to [ __ ]
you know why the titanic was the best
love story of all time it's because they
met they [ __ ] for three days and then
jack died
sign me up for that cruz
leave you guys with this i feel like
relationships are hard in general even
if you're not married but i do think
they're harder for girls because as
girls you're raised being told all this
fantastical [ __ ] about what your love
life is going to be like
your dad calls you princess and you're
like oh my god there's going to be a
prince and a horse in a castle i'm in
and my dad just called me squirt
and i couldn't even live up to that
you