G'day, mates, this is rap news on your radio waves
reporting today on that distant Australian state
where on the 26th of January they annually celebrate
a date that they denominate "Australia Day"
But, much as in the US of A with Columbus Day,
or Canada Day, in Canada, eh, each year a debate takes place
as to the way societies built on colonial occupation
should celebrate the genesis of their cherished nation.
So today, we have an Australian correspondent from Channel Mine
Can you hear me, Ken Oathcarn? - Ken Oathcarn!
how ya goin'! I'm reportin from Straya, hey!
coming live and that, providin' facts on this amazin day
when we take a national holiday off from hard yakka
and celebrate with barbies, beer, charred tucker
mates, eskis, sheilas, the Thorpedo
Vegemite, miners, Tony Abbot, short speedos
- But... what exactly are you celebrating?
- I'll tell ya, Robbo... but first, before we begin
I'd like to acknowledge the traditional robbers of this land
d'you like what we've done with the place? Ain't it grand?!
Yehhh, it all started here in 1788,
after Captain Crook discovered this pristine real estate,
We were Stray-aliens looking for a place to settle in
So we landed in Sydney with the First Fleet of 11 ships
it was no-one's land, unpopulated, terra nullius
so we built fences, bridges, opera-houses, and deforested
made heaps of land for growing LAMBS and, in time
since that land was ours we started to mine! mine! mine!
And now, regardless of footy-team, creed or ethnic persuasion
we celebrate this day as One Nation
- Hmm... It seems strange that in order to be a proud Australian
you celebrate a British military occupation.
- Eh? - Moving on: Aboriginal people
- You mean, 'blackfellas'? - Are they included in this day?
- Ken oathcarn! - Then tell us, why they name it "Invasion Day" and "Survival Day"?
Did it mark the start of war, even genocide - as some say?
- Nahhh, we had a peaceful settlement, an Intervention:
brought those poor natives blankets, medicines;
raised them from the stone age, gave 'em income management
and even tried to smooth their pillows to content them
That's the Strayian way - so we now enjoy our conquest
and worship this altar of flamin' gas with clear consciences
We brought the CROWN and TB to this land, cunt
And Arnott's Tim Tams - what more could you want?
- Well, how about changing Australia Day to a less... offensive date?
- Such as? - Any other day would be better to celebrate:
How about the date Australia was federated?
- January 1st? Mate, on that date, we already get wasted.
- How about May 27, then, the day when, back in 'sixty-seven
Australians voted in a great referendum
in which ninety per-cent of you said, "fair dinkum:
Aboriginals are humans too, let's make them citizens."
- Listen, Robbo, Straya Day is here to stay.
Chrissakes, mate, we already had Sorry Day.
And who are you anyway - some pommy poofter, trynna judge me?
If you don't like it here, then get the fuck out of me country!
Australia!
Straya day!
yeah, cunt!
Comin' again, to celebrate invasion
Straya day!
yeah, cunt!
Denial is the only way, cunt
Refugees, you're fucking screwed, if you try to come into
Australia! yeah, cunt!
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt!
This is Ken Oathcarn; reporting for channel Mine, from the Lucky Cunnnnt-ry.
Thank you, Ken, you've helped us all to see
why this date, and no other has got to be the national holiday
'Australia Day'; it reflects an honest memory
of the first day of systematic robbery
and denial of the natives' sovereignty
on which was built this great settler-colony.
To change the day without acknowledging this
well... wouldn't that simply be massive hypocrisy?
'Lest we forget' - we often say of our brave heroes.
But if we take pride in our ancestors' achievements
shouldn't we also recognize their malfeasant ways?
'Til then, I bid you all, happy 'Amnesia Day'