How y'all doing?
Listen, so.
(audience laughing)
Two years ago I was forced to move
to New York because of success.
(audience laughing)
And I hate that place!
Oh Jesus, I hate that place, 'cause God forbid
one of them Yankees finds out I'm not from there.
Ooh.
So I'm at the bodega near my house
standing in line for one of those E. coli sandwiches.
(audience laughing)
And the woman behind me goes, ah!
I'm like, mm.
What's happening to me right now?
Just another wonderful day in New York.
She's like, where are ya from?
You don't sound like you're from New York.
'Cause they all sound like witches to me.
(audience laughing)
It's like, no, ma'am, I'm from the South.
Ah!
What do ya mean you're not from New York?
Ma'am, there are 49 other states.
Well, I mean, what are ya doing here?
Ma'am, I'm just trying to get
one of these dangerous sandwiches.
How can I help you?
Well you must be so glad to be in New York.
Why the hell would I be glad to be in New York?
Well, the South is so racist, the South is so racist.
Oh!
You mean the part of the South
that starts at Canada and ends at Mexico?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding and cheering)
Last time I checked, America's racist.
She goes, you're right.
And then she hobbled out of this bodega.
But this is the thing, I know the North is more racist
'cause in the North they split up white folks.
They got Irish neighborhoods, Italian neighborhoods.
I live in a Greek neighborhood.
What kind of deep cut of white is Greek?
Where did you get these people?
You know what they call Irish
and Italian and Greek in the South?
White! Nobody cares.
(audience applauding)
You kidding me?
I don't care what flag your Caucasian flies under.
Go buy a house and sit down, Brandon, don't nobody care.
(audience laughing)
Now, since I've been in New York, I've been single,
which is confusing, 'cause you see, and.
(audience laughing and cheering)
You're welcome, I grew 'em myself.
(audience laughing)
So I've had to take some drastic measures.
You know, 'cause I've been out here
peeping these manses, you know what I mean?
'Cause y'all remember that movie The Predator?
(audience laughing)
You see a target and them numbers come up on the side.
(audience laughing)
That's your girl.
How you doing black shirt?
Listen.
I'm a problem, I've been out here
peeping these men paying real close attention.
I was out the other night and I was like, ooh, he's cute.
Wait a minute.
Is he paying for cheap beer with wet money?
(audience laughing)
Why's the money wet, his pants are dry.
(audience laughing)
I don't wanna know.
Wait, you, over here, okay.
Hold on.
Is he bow-legged?
Is he pigeon-toed?
What is this broken cowboy in the streets?
No, not you either.
Okay, okay, hello, sir, how are you?
Mhmm.
Well-groomed.
Nice outfit.
Starting a tab, my favorite thing.
So I move in closer to get some more details,
and boom, wedding ring, no!
How dare you give me hope!
'Cause see, if I see a ring on a man,
he might as well be invisible.
Outline of a human Peter Pan shadow if you will.
(audience laughing)
'Cause his (beep) already been bagged and tagged.
You see what I'm saying?
(audience clapping)
Why do I need to like the face of a (beep) I can't use?
That's stupid!
Now, I used to live in LA 'cause Jesus loves me.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Thank you so much, thank you so much.
I miss you all!
But this is the thing, my first couple months here
I didn't see any black people, which was very confusing.
'Cause like, wait a minute.
I know they here.
(audience laughing)
I seen 'em on TV.
Where'd you put 'em?
But the problem was is I lived in east LA
in a Mexican-American neighborhood
that was quickly getting gentrified,
and neither group of people could figure out
what my black ass was doing there.
And then I speak Spanish,
so the Mexicans thought I was a spy.
(audience laughing)
I was like, no, I just found
the most efficient way to order nachos.
(speaking Spanish)
Run it, let's go!
(audience clapping)
I do what I can for nachos, please know that about me.
But the most suspicious were Latino Lyft drivers.
Because my name is Dulcé, I have a Spanish name.
So they see Dulcé on the phone.
But then I get in the car.
So he's like, I get in, he goes, Dulcé?
Yeah.
So like, where you from?
Atlanta.
Nah.
Where's your mom from?
Miami.
Nah.
Where's your grandma from?
Dude, take me home, man!
I'm not here for your Lyft 23 And Me, Jorge.
Take me the hell home, dog.
(audience applauding and cheering)
Thank you, that's my time.
I'm Dulcé Sloan, bye!
(audience cheering)
That was great. Thank you!
That was great!
That's hilarious. Thank you, I did it!
Yes you did!
Dulcé Sloan!