This is the ugly truth behind why addicts and alcoholics hurt the ones they love in
this video we are going to dig 3 layers deep into the science and psychology and biology
of addictive thinking for those of you who are new here welcome
to put the shovel down this is a youtube channel dedicated especially to help you understand
the science and psychology of addiction because if you're going to beat this thing you need
to understand exactly what you're dealing with and this channel is going to help you
stay five steps ahead of addiction at all times so if you have ever heard this or maybe
you've thought this before if you loved me you wouldn't drink or if you loved me you
wouldn't use or if you loved this family you wouldn't drink or use I'm guessing that you
probably have had that sneaky little thought before and I know you think that I'm probably
going to tell you well that's not true they do love you it's their addiction maybe a little
bit but I am going to actually explain to you that they don't really love you the same
way that you love them now this may upset some people but sometimes the truth is upsetting
and I don't mean that in any kind of mean way or anything but this is the psychology
of the issue you see every single day in my office I talk to people struggling with substance
use disorders and the thing they most often want to talk to me about is their family mostly
all their frustrations and resentments they have built up against their family the truth
of the matter is they really don't care for you the same way that you care for them at
least not when they're in their active addiction state now that's not to say that they don't
care about you or love you the same when they're not in an addicted state or deep down inside
way somewhere in there but when addiction is running the show this is the psychology
of the matter we're going to go to it from a superficial level and we're going to sort
of dig a little deeper and a little deeper into this issue so make sure you watch this
whole video okay so the first layer of the issue around why do addicts and alcoholics
basically do their family wrong is the fact that they lie to themselves about whether
or not they are hurting you you see people struggling with addiction almost always tells
themselves I'm not hurting anyone but myself now yes that's a flat out lie and definitely
not the truth but it's one of the things that addicts and alcoholics tell themselves to
feel less bad about what it is that they're doing now that's not the only lie that they're
telling themselves to shield themselves and justify why they treat you the way they treat
you not only do they lie to themselves to say that it's not hurting you but they sometime
want to lie to themselves and say they're going to fix it before you find out let's
say for example they steal some money from you they're probably telling themselves that
they're going to put the money back before you ever know and it's never going to hurt
you or that they're just going to take a couple of those pills and you'll never know the difference
which is just one of the ways that an addict and alcoholic can make things that are not
okay seem okay to themselves now this second layer of psychology goes even a little deeper
than the first essentially when you're struggling with addiction you are having a psychological
war with yourself because deep down inside you know you've done some things and are doing
some things on a regular basis that are just plain wrong that don't fit with your value
system and when we behave in a way that doesn't fit with our value system that creates a little
gap filled with shame and shame is so uncomfortable that we'll do almost anything to make that
go away and naturally one of the first things that happens when we're dealing with shame
or guilt is getting to justify why we had to do whatever it was that we did it's the
way that we psychologically make ourselves feel okay about making a really bad choice
now we all do this on some level it's just that addicts and alcoholics find themselves
making bad choices an awful lot sometimes it gets to the point where they're doing this
justification so often that it can literally end up in full out delusion and when you're
dealing with in stage addiction you are not dealing with someone who is looking at the
world the same way you are and you'll know it if you've been there if you've had that
feeling like you literally just want to take them by the shoulders and shake the life out
of them that's when you know you're dealing with someone that's in that delusional state
they have literally lied to themselves justified minimized rationalized to the point that they
can't even see the truth anymore because you see when we feel guilty or shameful about
something we need to make ourselves feel better and we do that by making the other person
the bad guy in almost every situation that I see the person struggling with addiction
has so much resentment and frustration built up against their family now there are some
legitimate reasons behind this resentment and frustration which is usually the families
tendency to cross into the addicts or alcoholics boundaries they try to control now they're
doing this because they're scared and they're fearful but nonetheless most families have
trouble staying in their own territory or as I like to say it on your side of the street
I've got a whole playlist of videos about boundaries when you have an addicted loved
one make sure you are watching that series because there's so much valuable information
in there you see when they're having this psychological warfare with themselves they
need to do be a victim of something now sometimes they'll purposely provoke people split people
you guys have probably seen my videos about that so that people actually do act badly
around them or about them or towards them and other times maybe the family isn't even
acting badly or doing anything wrong on the outside but in the mind of the addicted person
they are being treated unfairly now this third reason that we're going to talk about is actually
a biological reason why addicts and alcoholics hurt the ones they love so underneath all
the lies and justifying and the rationalizing and projecting which is kind of taking their
own guilt and putting it on the other person there is the biology of the situation now
hang in there because we're going to have to have a little brain nerd talk here for
you to understand this so it breaks down like this humans actually have 3 major sections
of the brain you've got this base part of your brain right here at the bottom of your
skull that's really what you might call your reptilian brain that's your primitave brain
that's the part of your brain taht all mammals have and it's all instinct next you have your
sort of in the middle of your brain is what's called your limbic system and that's where
all of your emotions and feelings and connection all of that stuff is happening and then lastly
right up here in the front you have your front part of your brain or your frontal lobe or
your cerebral cortex that's the thinking part of your brain that's the rational part of
your brain that lets you think through a situation weigh pros and cons and all of that stuff
now you've probably heard that when someone's in active addiction that survival part that
reptilian part of the brain is running the show which is absolutely true basically that
part is the strongest part of your brain even though it's small it overpowers because this
is the part keeping you alive it overpowers the other two parts but that's not even what
this video is about I've got other videos all about the biology of addiction in this
particular instance we're talking about the biology of why they hurt you why they can't
choose you why does it feel like if you loved me your wouldn't drink or use you see that
lymbic part, that emotional part of the brain is so on fire when you're struggling with
an addiction it is literally on a roller coaster it is all over the place think about it like
the frequency is just so high that thatpart of their brain doesn't have the biological
capacity to connect on that deeper level to other people to higher power to anything basically
because it's being overridden by that reptile part of the brain that is emotionally just
such a mess in there the best way to think about it is kind of like the energy in that
emotional part of the brain has to be somewhat stable and balanced out enough for you to
feel real connection with another person and when you're dealing with someone in active
addiction that is not stable I promise it is on fire in there and they literally can't
feel connection on that deeper biological level so psychologically they've made excuses
they've twisted things up but biologically they don't even have the capacity for it now
many of the people that we see in our office are very successful people they come from
great families they're clean cut they're well-mannered and they know how to carry on a relationship
they have great social skills so it can seem like they can definitely pull it off I like
to say most of the people I see struggling with alcoholism they usually are kind of charismatic
they're sort of talesman types and they can build relationships with people because they
literally have the skill to do it the social skill to do it but they do not feel that on
that deeper level which is another reason why people in active addiction seem like they're
antisocial they seem like they don't care about anyone but themselves that's not really
true in the big picture but it is sort of true in the temporary state of addiction you
see there are just so many layers to the science and psychology of addiction there are so many
things for you to learn and this is just one piece of it and if you can understand this
you can start to make strategic decisions about what to do next and to help you narrow
that down I want you to watch this video next which is about the only three options that
families members have when dealing with an addicted loved one