- "Tom, why would you say that?"
(melodic upbeat music)
- A little bit about myself, I am Blewish,
I am Black and Jewish, thank you.
(audience applauding)
My dad looks like Arthur Ashe
and my mom looks like Howard Stern,
(audience laughing)
and that is why I look like Ernie from "Sesame Street."
(audience laughing)
My parents done fucked, bro, my parents done--
My dad is from Haiti and my mom is from Manhattan,
guess which one's the Jew
and my dad just found out what Google is a few weeks ago,
can I tell you how fucking old school
and fresh off the boat?
My father, he's like, "Oh-oh, now they have Google, woo!"
(audience laughing)
"You can type one word in Google,
bloop, bloop, one million words come up."
(audience laughing)
I can't do my dad's voice, I'm sorry.
I sound like the fucking Lion King or something, I'm sorry.
But man, yeah, my parents fucked, okay, my parents fucked.
Everyone in here, your parents fucked. Your parents--
Everybody, let's do a meditation. Close your eyes
and picture, imagine your parents,
your dad balls deep and finishing in your mom,
'cause that's what happened.
You can moan and groan all you want,
but you wouldn't be here, you little shits,
if your dad didn't fucking kersplooge,
explode his Spider-Man DNA web
into your long-suffering mom's vulva,
who wasn't bothering anybody. She was just playing Sudoku,
she was eating cantaloupe.
Your fucking disgusting, horny dad just came in...
You gotta admit it, right?
Fact of life, your dad had sex with your mom,
your mom went down on your dad.
(audience laughing)
Your dad went down on your mom
and then your dad put on that leather gimp mask
and he lied under a glass coffee table,
your mom took a big shit over it,
and then five months later, you were born, okay.
(audience applauding)
I'm assuming he's a premee, I don't know.
He has premature energy, I don't know.
- As a concept, it is reasonable to assume
if you've been with somebody three years,
you have a healthy thing going on.
You may have slept together a few hundred times, right?
Right. Now I want you to think about how many times your dad
(audience laughing)
has finished inside of your mom.
(audience laughing)
So many times.
"Tom, why would you say that?"
(audience laughing)
Well basically, I think all of our moms
are a bunch of cum dumpsters, you know.
(audience laughing)
Your mom more than my mom. Now--
(audience laughing)
Ugh, I know, it's a tough image to get out of your head,
once I've planted it, right?
You're like, "Goddammit, my mom's dripping?"
Probably, yeah.
(audience laughing)
Soaking wet, look,
(audience laughing)
your mom has done some nasty shit,
let's talk about it.
(audience laughing)
She really has, and uh...
(audience laughing)
Look, I'm here to defend her, alright.
It is not her fault,
it's your dad's fault, for sure.
Your dad, with all due respect, is kind of a piece of shit,
a little bit, and if you're like, "Not my dad,
(audience laughing)
he's good." Yeah, to you. (audience laughing)
He's not always like that to your mom.
If they've been together three decades,
you don't think he said some off-color shit?
(audience laughing)
Every now and then, of course, he does.
They're laying in bed, your dad's tossing and turning,
he can't sleep. (grunting) And your poor mother,
"Is everything alright, dear?"
(audience laughing)
"It's fine."
"Was supper good?"
"Yeah, shut up, I'm trying to sleep."
(audience laughing)
"Can I do anything to help?"
"Yeah, you can lick my balls, alright."
(audience laughing)
And you wanna know something?
Your poor mother, she does it, alright? She--
(audience laughing)
because she's a ball hog. So your mom gets down there...
(audience laughing)
"Oh...
(audience laughing)
Oh..."
and she goes, "I like my life."
(audience laughing) She does it.
Oh, your mom... Now,
(audience laughing)
your grandma-- think about some of the things
that she's done.
(audience groaning)
On the railroad tracks or wherever she used to fuck around.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) El Paso, I don't know.
(melodic upbeat music)