-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome,
to "The Tonight Show." You're here, you made it.
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]
I can see everyone's in a good mood.
That's right, 'cause today Amazon kicked off
their second Prime Day event of the year.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Yeah.
It's that special event
that only happens once every twice a year.
That's what I say. [ Laughter ]
For Prime Day, I saw Amazon
was offering discounts on DNA test kits.
It's for people who want to know who their father is,
but not enough to pay full price, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Amazon's also offering huge deals on Pelotons.
Or you can wait three months and get the company for free.
[ Laughter ] It's up to you.
They also have deals on smart watches,
cocktail shakers, and knife sets.
So it's a great day to save if you're James Bond.
[ Laughter and cheers ]
Guys, speaking of movies, I heard that Tom Cruise
is set to film a movie in space, becoming the first civilian
to walk outside the International Space Station.
Yeah. Even crazier, the movie is "Jerry Maguire 2."
[ Laughter ]
"Do you know the human head weighs zero pounds in space?"
[ Laughter ]
"Help me help the moon. Help me to help the moon."
[ Laughter ]
It's a big deal. When they heard, the Space Force was like,
"Oh, come on. We haven't even gone up yet.
Come on, this is getting insane.
Let us do something."
Let's get to some news. Today, President Biden and other G7
leaders held a virtual meeting with Ukrainian president
Zelenskyy and pledged to support Ukraine for as long as it takes.
Yep, nothing says "we're totally here for you" like
a Zoom meeting from 5,000 miles away.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Totally. We're here. We're here for you."
But Biden promised Zelenskyy that the U.S. will continue
providing Ukraine with the support needed to defend itself.
It was a strong, powerful message, until the other leaders
said, "Joe, you're on mute. Joe? Joe?
You're on -- press --"
[ Applause ]
"We can't hear. Press mute. We can't --"
Meanwhile, today, a top British spy official said that Russia
is running out of ammunition.
That's pretty bad. Right now their best strategy
is, "What if we deliver Ukraine giant fun doll, and in doll
is another doll, and in that doll is another doll,
and inside that doll -- wait for it --
it's just me saying, 'my bad'?"
[ Laughter ]
Guys, people are talking about this. After Saudi Arabia worked
with Russia to cut oil production,
Biden has decided to re-evaluate
the country's relationship with the U.S.
Yep. When they heard,
Tom and Gisele was like, "Oh, it's over."
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I just saw that North Korea just released images of
Kim Jong-un overseeing a missile launch.
And one of the photos really caught my eye.
Take a look at this.
Yeah, can we zoom in on --
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
He looks like he ran nude through an Ann Taylor loft.
[ Laughter ]
It's that hot new look this fall season, coastal dictator.
[ Laughter ]
He looks like a beekeeper on his lunch break.
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys see this? A lot of Dunkin' Donuts
customers are outraged over changes to
their customer rewards system, saying the perks aren't as good.
Well, Dunkin' just issued a response.
Take a look at this.
-You gotta collect a few more points to get a free coffee?
Cry me a Charles rivah, pal.
We didn't get a location every five feet on the Freedom Trail
by handing out free coffee.
You want to talk problems? We've had two shift supervisors
call out today, so that means Janelle's gotta close
and she never restocks the sugar packets.
So go ahead, go to Starbucks.
Go look your father in the eyes while drinking a caramel ribbon
crunch frappuccino, 'cause he's got the same points system we
do, and it's right between his ring and index finger.
Dunkin'. You want "sorry"?
Go to Tim Hortons.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Tim Hortons?
Guys, get this, I read that AstraZeneca's new COVID vaccine
nasal spray just suffered a major setback
in its first human trial.
I'm just worried this could ruin
their reputation as the fourth best vaccine option.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, AstraZeneca said the initial testing on humans
did not yield the desired protection.
Basically, they invented
the Tom's Natural Deodorant of vaccines.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, guys, it's Tuesday, it's time for "WeTweet."
Here we go!
-♪ WeTweet ♪
♪ WeTweet ♪
-Welcome to "WeTweet."
This is where we, as a group,
decide something that we should post on Twitter.
I'm gonna show you five different tweets, and we're all
gonna vote on whether you like each one or not.
You all have voting clickers at your seats.
See them? Yeah, there you go there.
You can vote for all of them,
you can vote for none of them, whatever you want.
And we're gonna see the results live right now.
Higgins, you got one? -Got it.
-Roots, you have your clickers too? Tariq?
-Got 'em. -Whatever tweet gets the most
likes, we will tweet it out live on the show
so that you can all like it and "wetweet" it.
[ Audience ahs ] It's a shared experience.
Alright, you guys ready for this?
The first tweet is...
Yeah, there you go.
Alright. Quest, you're going to press thumbs up just to be nice?
-I like my job, man. -Yep, alright.
Higgins, what are you going to give it?
-You don't wanna know.
[ Laughter ]
-You don't think that's the one? -I don't, I don't.
-Alright, it's the first one out.
-This is a tester.
-They don't necessarily get better.
I'm just gonna say this.
[ Laughter ]
Just so we know right off the bat.
Okay, one in the middle might be better than this.
Who knows? -We don't know.
-Alright, but we kind of know the results here.
Everyone is just stunned. They already pressed down.
They're, like, looking at me. But let's see the results
so we know this is real and not -- Wow.
-Wow. Wow! -Wow!
That might be the worst one we've ever done.
-41, that's a record.
-Alright. [ Laughter ]
-Whoo! -You guys don't have to be that honest, okay?
It's up to you.
Humans did write those jokes.
I mean, they have feelings as well.
-Don't be cruel. -Alright.
This next one is, "I'm not scared of heights
but I am scared of when my waiter takes my order
without writing anything down."
[ Laughter ]
"No, no, no, I'm good, I'm good.
Yeah, yeah. No, yeah, you want it medium?
Okay, yeah. No problem. No, I'll remember.
Yeah, okay, yeah. And you want that? Okay.
Okay, no, no problem, no, I'll remember.
Yeah, you want a side of that? Okay. You can't have that?
Okay. Is there any allergies?
Alright, I got it. I got it. No, I got it."
Let's see the results.
Oh! -Wow!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Now you're being nice.
I love you guys.
-Wow, that was backlash. -You guys are being so nice.
Thank you.
-That was like a whiplash effect.
-That was too nice 'cause that wasn't even that funny.
They're just being nice. -I feel guilty, yeah.
-But I love that you did that.
There's a lot of love in this room.
-They went, "This makes sense."
-This is good. I like this.
I mean, that's the extremes right there, yeah.
Alright. This next one here says...
[ Laughter ] -Ooh. Spicy.
-"A sensual back scratch."
-Mm. -[ Laughs ]
Yeah, come on. Why not? I don't know.
-Come on. Mother Earth? -Who knows. Mother Earth?
I love Mother Earth. -Yeah.
-"Sensual back scratch." -Yeah, I love it.
-That makes me laugh. "Sensual" makes me --
Alright, let's see the results on this one.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.
Alright, good, not bad. [ Applause ]
Not bad. On other nights that would have won.
-Yeah. -But not tonight, no.
Alright, how about this one here?
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
-I don't know.
-Is this called "WeedTweet" or "WeTweet"?
-No, not "weed" -- not "WeedTweet."
-Not "WeedTweet"? Okay. -No, "we."
-"WeTweet." Okay, got it. I'm voting.
-"Napkins should be called lapkins."
-Right. Because they go on your lap.
-That's correct. -Right.
Not chinkins, yeah. -Alright.
I think I know where this one's leaning.
Alright, let's see the results on this one.
Yeah, I agree, I agree. [ Sad tuba]
I agree. Alright, here we go.
One last one to -- if we don't do this one,
then which one are we going with?
We're going with the waiter? -Yes.
-Yeah, we're going with the waiter one.
If not, then there's this one or the waiter one.
Alright, here we go. The last one is...
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I mean, that's pretty relatable.
-Yeah. -Yeah, I'm like,
"I know it's on that side.
I've been doing it for years."
You go, "No, it's not, it's on the other side."
Alright. Here we go.
Let's see the results on this one.
No, there we go! It's the waiter.
We're going with WeTweet number two.
[ Bell dinging ]
I will post this during the commercial break.
If you see it on your feed, give it a like,
give it a "wetweet," and enjoy.
Thank you for the honesty and the love.