ladies my name is jacksepticeye welcome
back a little bit bare life did you all
forget about puddy Fitzpatrick I did I
forgot the party even existed he was in
our lives for a short little time and
then he left for a while but he's back
but you know what he needed a break last
time we talked to Sean Sean patty okay
I'm sick leave me alone I can't [ __ ]
brain last night we talked to patty his
half-sister Faye came out of the closet
as bisexual and she's been promoted to
corporal Fairplay at work
I graduated from University was an
undergraduate degree in computer science
call me also reaching for the stars I
was released from my position as lab
assistant for Shannon University as I'm
no longer a student Kyra suffered a
second trimester miscarriage well life
hasn't been going great since but I have
a good feeling about this happiness is
at an all-time low it's at 20% but my
looks have gone up to 62% I thought a
plastic surgery done I can't remember
what else I have done I have a house I
believe but we have to go looking for a
job now we all right wait what did it
say we graduated us I graduate and
undergraduate degree in computer science
all right so we can go for a job as what
are we looking for a computer programmer
sixty-eight thousand a year that's
pretty damn good
i'ma go for that I pay for this open
position today this is good this is good
okay give me all your luck why my little
patty here has not had the best amount
of time he's had a miscarriage with his
beautiful wife he's been let go from his
position he graduated his dogs dead his
families torn apart and some of them are
dead we need this I need your look I
know what you're saying jack but you're
Irish you should have all the look at
the world you'd think that but I'm sick
and also got a tooth removed recently so
things are not on my side pay for this
position by being interviewed for a
computer programmer position at Oasis
core you are asked the following
question do you prefer to call or text
[ __ ] they're a programming course they
might say to text because they might
want me to actually work on an app that
will work on texting or they want me to
call because they know I'm serious and
they know that I what I prefer to talk
in person
yes welcome aboard that's the right
answer
come on Patti Ida bye well welcome to
Oasis core that was the trick question
they were like do you want to call or
text about the position and I'm like
dropped my balls on the table like I'm a
walking in person like sir this is a
McDonald's drive-through please leave
that's good though
now we're earning sixty-eight thousand a
year and I can just keep aging myself up
what age am I can we see 37 all right we
got an undergraduate degree I'm 37 I
finally got a well-paying job it's never
too late to chase your dreams and do
great things but my happiness is really
low I think me and Kira should have a
conversation I think that we should
attend relationship counseling we might
need that after we lost a child
Kira hasn't talked to me for a while and
I've kind of just come home and shuffled
my way through the house and I'll talk
to her either
I think we really need to air our stuff
out try to make her pay to know I asked
her to go your wife Kira refused to go
with you to relationship counseling
great that's good no that's fine it's a
healthy relationship there's nothing
wrong with it it's fine me and Kira get
along like a house on fire although
house on fire eventually burns down to
the ground food while it's on fire it's
great you know what I'm gonna do
something on my own I am going to no I
am going to go for a walk let's go for a
normal walk for 30 minutes
this is 2.6 K I'm a machine I have I
basically have mechanical legs my
happiness right up from 28 to 36
I'm getting my happiness up again let's
go uh let's let's meditate there you go
attaboy happiness up to 40% that's not
great all right time to age up we'll go
38 years old quality time your father
wants to take you to a soccer match will
you go with him hell yeah I will of
course I will papa I would love to go
watch the football with you yes papa
anything Papa I have wanted this quality
time together
[ __ ] runny nose hello voices of
course I will I'm too busy right now or
argue with them like how dare you
but there you want quality time with me
who do you think you are my dad
[ __ ] of course I will good times you
into a soccer match with your father I'm
up to 49% happiest you hear that Kira
you've lost a child so that's actually
really understandable and I love you
still sorry
wait what hold on there's a piece of
information in here that I feel like was
very relevant that they didn't tell me
that tsunami has a tsunami has pounded
the coast of Pakistan after a magnitude
3.1 earthquake occur 39 miles off the
shore it is expected that there will be
tens of thousands of casualties with
most of the survivors being left
homeless that's a pretty substantial
thing to happen but bit life is all
about my life it's all about me having
quality time with my dad and going
relationship counseling with my wife but
now three point Earth's 3.1 earthquake
off the coast of Pakistan nah we don't
care
Paddy's got more important things I see
we've a bank balance of 47 grand I have
an income of 68,000 but I have a tax
rate of 24 percent that's not bad
all right it's it's kind of in line with
the rest Island all right but if you
made a company you probably able to get
like twelve percent tax you know cuz
Ireland's really good for its corporate
tax rates as everybody as you all know
everybody knows that monthly outflow
3227 I'm I have a net worth of 300 grand
I'm gonna make a tweet they love it you
posted on social media got 31 likes [ __ ]
yeah of course I'm just a trendsetter
what do we do it my job oh let's check
out the popularity I haven't my
coworkers oh my god everyone hates me I
don't have a good relationship with
Rowan Thompson senior translator Adams
sure hates me
Amy Johnston hates me Callum Evan Freya
Layla Nathan
Saoirse Sophie all [ __ ] hate me is it
cuz of my face is it cuz I'm telling you
there's a lot more going on
just cuz they've had plastic surgery all
over my face just because I've made my
penis in different shape multiple times
at this point does not make me a
different person alright seriously what
let's let's befriend know some
conversation with her
you tried to start a conversation with
your coworker Saoirse about who will be
the next UFC champion she told you that
she's too busy at the moment
[ __ ] sakes you know she really hates me
what sure what should I do talk to her
again you tried to start a conversation
with the co-worker she about right or
not students where should wear uniforms
she told you she's too busy it's Mona oh
she's gonna she woulda killed me in my
sleep oh yeah that relationship went
downhill fast yeah I'm too much of a
talker that's the problem this is work
harder instead I don't need people to
like me they're like me for my work
ethic
I hope relationships wait my happiness
[ __ ] collapsed god damn it don't let
Sears to get in your head patty alright
she's too busy at the moment but that
does not devalue you as a person all
right
you're a beautiful man let's talk to
Kyra you told your wife Kyra that she's
a winner come on man you've been married
for a while you've gone through some
tough [ __ ] together the best you can
come out with is that she's a winner
it's like your wife walking through the
house be like hey love of my life you're
pretty dang cool actually that's kind of
cute ooh I have increased in age which
makes me irresistible to people your
coworker Layla told me she is happy to
know my body is 60% water because she is
very thirsty Layla
Jesus Christ what would you do it even
gives me there looks like no Layla
you're a stinker give it to her God
reject your advances now I'm gonna
report someone to HR you can't do that
Layla you reported your coworker Layla
to HR for making a sexual advance on you
HR said they would look into it they
[ __ ] better Kiera and I have been
married for 10 years we need to do
something 10 years is a pretty big deal
I have been given a raise of 7% my
salary is no 70 2,840 Europe that fair
play to you Patti life is [ __ ]
kicking up into high gear for you
divorce we've married for 10 years we
had a good run but you know why I'm 39
life is just starting divorce what make
love first
you know rise Kira made love my
enjoyment was that I've at 99% hers is
that a hundred percent mine's at 99% per
because in the middle of it she flicked
one of my balls and I couldn't really
dude why is your happiness at 40% you
should be right and high in cloud nine
right now
yeah [ __ ] it's hurted it's hard to
keep you satisfied ah my relationship
Akira is at an all-time high
let's let's go to the movies - you wait
spent time with her you took your wife
Kira to build a pillow fort
that's [ __ ] cute that's cute as heck
I want to do something else though I
want to like go out and have dinner why
is it only I can go to counseling give
her a gift and Psalter make love or go
to the movies wears like date night
well Laila doesn't like me anymore
that's fine let's have a conversation
with her to see if she remembers what I
did you tried to turn the conversation
musical work Laila about your imaginary
friend she politely asked you to leave
her alone so she could concentrate in
her work yeah that makes sense
you know what I'd fair a reason to
report her to human resources alright
she made a very strong sexual
advancement on me I felt very
uncomfortable oh my god I forgot that my
car was stolen my car is in terrible
condition and I wanted to repair it and
it said your stolen Ford Mustang does
not currently need a new pair robbed a
whole ass I mean patty did I had no part
in any of this I am NOT culpable to be
arrested alright social media post the
status update 5 likes the worn-out and
me they don't like me anymore
did or like my tweets about how I
sculpted a pillow fort out of potatoes
god dammit I have some stuff to give
alright I didn't realize I could spend
time with all and damn it all
relationships I think I did that already
and I just forgot you invest the time
and fight relationships your step try to
refuse to spend time with you laughs
welcome anyway alright it's time to
level up we are now 40 workplace
annoyance your coworker Nathan just
squeezed down a fart as you walk past
you saying better out than in what will
you do Nathan yeah dirty bastards attack
them I think no you know what let's go
ahead surprise me I kind of would have
attacked but kinda wanna beat the [ __ ]
out of them because I'm at 40 now it's
time to change up my life it's time to
really start boosting out some
advancements right
yes it hurt me it wanted me to attack
him what can I do
pick your move scratch spit elbow pound
punch poke kick hook uppercut Oh God
backhand him come on Nathan
keep it in what a backhand his nose give
me a late stop hey hey hey stop it you
filthy [ __ ] you backhanded your coworker
Nathan's nose then you kicked his
pancreas altering his insulin levels I
did not say that I did not tell you to
go kick in his pancreas now that's a lot
it's average I just wanted the back slap
his nose
she's crazy I'll ask you later quickly
am i okay do we still have my job I'm
fine
wait it says I got kicked out of a bar
for calling the server a peon what the
hell is my character do in between
segments I've no control over that it
worries me all right I'm 40 it's time to
start messing [ __ ] up I think it's time
for some more crime yes
commit a crime what are we gonna do this
time shall they try to murder someone
it's pretty little much arrange a
contract killer on Nathan or is he
Nathan Brown yes I hired a hitman to
kill my coworker
twenty-one thousand that's actually not
as much as I thought it would take to
kill someone that's kind of scary
yeah you found a hitman going by the
name of Hannibal Lecter oh god he's not
gonna kill him he's gonna eat him at the
same time I'm less evidence that's going
Don't Tell Kiera
okay Shh this is our secret if you
[ __ ] tell anybody I will hire a
hitman
it's jokes joke youtubers joke okay
please let my video go out to all
subscribers uh hire your hit man
Hannibal Lecter pulled off the hit on
your coworker Nathan using a Honda knife
holy [ __ ] it's kind of scary wait what'd
you hit man Hannibal Lecter's I was
threatening to kill you with a hunting
knife too unless you pay him another
twenty one thousand what will you do oh
[ __ ] I can't do anything I either pay
him the extra twenty one thousand fat
chance I can fight him I could take call
the police run for my life
tell him a deal is a deal oh god what
should I do
I shouldn't call the police does we call
police they're gonna know that I hired a
hit man to kill Nathan I could run for
my life or summat you know stand your
ground
a deal's a deal your hit man Hannibal
Lecter apologized and explained that he
is difficulty behaving rationally
sometimes yeah this one's all about okay
put on my big boy pants I just went in
and I was like you know what mr. hit man
who killed someone for me for 21
thousand euro what's 21 thousand euro
they're gonna kill me no not today I
shall live he was like yeah you know
what fur tough I didn't think about it
that way that's great though Nathan's
dead that's what he gets for squeaking
off a fire in front of me let that be a
lesson
sweet Galka squeak off a fern fern a
jack I'll hire a hitman to kill you you
know what I'm gonna do I am gonna work
even harder hard work betrays none your
co-workers away this core I've noticed
you've been working harder Nathan's gone
there's a position to fill I will fill
the quota of hours worked so I look
better haha so I can hire more hitmen
okay I am going to however write a will
and testament because shits about to get
wild
okay Patty's life has become too boring
too mundane and to normal it's time to
start crying it's crime time so I will
leave the vast fortune of my estate to
my beautiful wife Kyra who after this
won't even be able to look at me all
right crime time but what else should we
do a porch buyer stealin neighbors mail
that's that's tiny stuff now I've robbed
a car and killed someone with someone
else's hands I can't be going off and be
like Oh two pennies from someone's
pockets no we're in too deep at this
point let's rob a train central
butterfly line southern Aristotle who
are starving yeah let's sit hi dude not
a suit at midnight you waited for the
certain Aristotle's light train at
midnight but it didn't show up like a
[ __ ] block by a [ __ ] bad timetable
all right happiness 100% health 100%
smarts 100% looks doesn't matter so we
have 63 thousand euro in the bag
I have a great job I'm 41 years old how
is my wife doing she's lovely she's
grant Fairplay at work I think it's time
for more crime right let's go into our
job let's see who who we can kill this
time
who's gonna piss me off Saoirse do you
have time for a conversation this time
choose your answer wisely Saoirse this
could go very wrong with the with the
touch of a button I could end it all for
you what do you want to do Keira
conversation go to conversation with
your coworker
Saoirse Keira Saoirse is my wife I got
the wife of the brain because I just
love her so much
who the conversation with your coworker
Saoirse about which superpower you would
most like to have excellent choice
Saoirse the first person who doesn't
want to talk to me gets the knife a good
man Dylan me and Dylan talked about the
Stanley Cup you tried to start a
conversation with your coworker Freya
about your celebrity doppelgangers she
told you to shut up all right
Hannibal's busy we got Paul Vitti okay
hire him
your hitman perfidy pulled off the hit
on your co-worker Freya using a
flamethrower
holy [ __ ] Paul I have been went in with
a hunting knife that seems like baby
work at this point a good man Liam we
talked about whether or not Adam Sandler
is funny [ __ ] legend good man Liam
you live to fight another day oh Laila
oh person I reported to human resources
earlier what's going on Laila you tried
to have a conversation with Laila about
quantum physics she politely asked you
to leave her alone so she could
concentrate on her work wrong answer
wait Leila's not in the list where's
Laila not in the list why can't I kill
Laila she has some sort of weird power
over me Laila what's going on
god damn it Layla
all right fine if I can't kill you
then time will do Kiera you hear your
wife Kiera call out another man's name
while having sex what will you do Kiera
wait whose name was it Rumble with her
can we go into a WWE ring and fight
let's get ready to rumble
okay let's argue with her you showed it
at your wife Kiera for cheating on you
but did she cheat there's a big
difference between shouting out someone
else's name still not cool or cheating
let's let's try counseling again
you're right Kyra refuse to go to your
relationship can sit here at my hitman
fingers are tingling Kiera you and your
wife Kiera had a chat about your
celebrity doppelganger stole would you
[ __ ] dare you knew that I wanted to
talk to my co-workers about that you're
using that against me Kiera I'm the
senior computer programmer now who wants
to go Layla what's going on Layla shib
lately ask you to shoot straighter work
I'm gonna kill Layla where is he
Layla there she is
Oh Layla you found a hitman worth 18,000
euros not bad what's the same Frank
Costello great you hit Matt Franco so I
pulled off the hit on your coworker
Layla's using a banjo oh very nice good
job mr. hit man I like that I like the
originality I like to uniqueness very
clever I have now murdered three people
should I make it a fourth it's gonna
keep hiring hitmen until I go bankrupt
who else who else wants to go could kill
my stepdad he never wants to spend time
this is horrible I just want to see how
far I could go with it before the game
is like you know what maybe you
shouldn't keep killing people you
weren't able to find a hitman to take
care of your stepfather he's doing power
you know what Mike Harris sucks I'm just
gonna
selling the black market nobody wants to
buy your stolen Ford Mustang
no one wants my piece of [ __ ] Karen I'm
gonna scrap it all right and we're gonna
steal another one I'm very good at crime
at this point what do I want a Maserati
whoo yes go for the big boys you
successfully sold them as already gran
turismo it's easy people crime is easy
they say don't do the crime if you can't
do the time
my character is immune to the system my
characters immune to I need to not get
too involved okay it's a different
character it's not me it's just paddy
Fitzgerald it's in great condition too
do you think the people working with me
are like guys have you noticed that
everyone that Patti tries to talk to you
just mysteriously dies they should learn
better that shouldn't be like maybe we
should report in to the police that
should be more like hey maybe we should
talk to him let's let's talk to Sophie
or Evan they have a very bad opinion of
me Dylan's always good for a
conversation how about you dealer talk
about Martha Stewart and Oprah Winfrey
it's just a barrel of laughs Oh Dylan
it's a probably a good time though to
get plastic surgery because now they're
gonna know who I am
they're gonna know the hit man Club of
people are gonna know who I am so if I
hire them again they're gonna be like
hey that guy's hiring too many hitman
we're all gonna get caught I need to
change something I need to get a
facelift by dr. Ronan dr. Owen has
inspected you closely and determined
that you were eligible for a face it
eighteen thousand euro dr. Ruden you
know I could have someone killed for
that I could have you killed for that
dr. Ronan wait could I kill dr. Rowland
no I can't wait you get a random
prostitute wait would you hire a hit man
to kill a random prostitute that's so
[ __ ] bizarre all right dr. Rowan and
I'll get the surgery your facelift was
successful look at my stats percent
health 98% looks and smarts
those are good statistics those are
great statistics everyone at work's
gonna talk to me now I tried to talk to
Sophie about how many people I killed
and she told me to shut up
Sophie no one wants to kill Sophie huh
no one wants to kill Sophie why not your
coworker Emma started a rumor that you
believe the earth is flat how dare she
I know that the earth is a dodecahedron
okay
[ __ ] okay have a talk with her pay no
attention start a rumor about her charge
her I think we should kill her charge
her oh wait you mean charges it like run
at her
um alright let's let's wait let's bite
let's bite her mouth you bite her groin
let's bite her skull you bet your
coworker Emma school then you stop stop
stepped on her toe cracking her toenail
she died from her injuries no I'm not
supposed to actually kill people I'm
supposed to just make the Hitman do it
these people are so touchy HR has
launched an investigation into you for
attacking your coworker I just killed
someone
they're like ah maybe maybe hey char
should take care of it oh no holy [ __ ]
Emma don't spread rumors about me
anybody else running Oh huh Adam o Adam
it's not looking good for you
Oh hit man don't want to kill Adam
oh whatever what about my stepdad again
you're hitting my mystique ran off with
your money without pulling off the hit
on your stepfather my happiness is at 0%
you know what I'm just gonna have to
call it quits there I'll quit while I'm
ahead
I'm having been arrested yet I've killed
what four people maybe five I've lost
count after the first one it's whatever
but let this be a lesson don't
double-cross jack i paddy you
double-cross paddy he will hire a hit
man or he'll bite your skull and you'll
die from your injuries after he steps on
your tone crack shirt on him okay person
dreams
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
bad bid life is an absolute
rollercoaster