- Would you ever have a threesome with me?
- No. (laughing)
No, you feel weird. - I wanna hear why-- (laughing)
- I don't like touching - I want to hold,
- your hand, - touch your hand.
- 'cause it feels like my hand.
I'm Kirby McDermott.
- I'm Patrick McDermott.
- [Director] Who's older?
- I'm older by a minute, one minute.
It was a c-section so-- - They just like, one, two.
Yeah, should we take a shot to start?
- Cool. - Yeah, please.
- Vodka? - Yeah, please.
(glasses clink)
- Try to guess what I'm thinking.
If you can't, just-- - Is that the question?
- If you can't just take a shot.
- Is that the-- - Yeah.
I feel like you should, you should,
your first instinct--
- Is it puppies?
- Oh, no, it starts with a P.
It was Mr.Potato Head.
- What the fuck, Mr.Potato Head?
- I don't know, it just popped into my head.
- Okay, next question.
Which one of us is more sexually adventurous?
- Do you like to be tied up?
- No.
- You don't like to be tied up?
- I like to be bitten.
(laughs)
- Those are different things. (laughs)
Oh my God. - I'm just gonna take a shot
on that one. (laughs)
- [Director] Is one of you more sexually adventurous?
- I mean, me now. - No, no, no, no, no.
I've gotten a blow job on a pull-up bar before.
(laughs)
It's me.
It's definitely me.
- Oh fine, you win. (laughs)
Jesus, but you've never tied yourself up.
- That's the one thing!
I've done everything else.
Whipped cream, tent,
I'm working on (laughter)
- In a tent, on a tent?
- In a tent?
- In the tent is just sex.
- In a tent. (laughter)
(giggles)
- Do people try to fetishize us?
- Yeah, yeah. (laughs)
I feel like a lot of people have told me, like,
- "Both of you guys at once."
- Yes! - Really?
- I feel like I've had girlfriends who have come up to me
and been like, "Before we were dating,
I pictured both of you two fucking me."
- Just Eiffel Tower?
- Not that we would do it. - [Director] What is
the Eiffel Tower?
- Isn't it? Oh wait that sounds like sex,
like she's below-- - No, no, no.
- Doing that and we're just like this
above? - Other end of the girl yeah.
It's a one time Eiffel Tower.
It's like a (clap) we're doing it.
- What?
- What do we hold a fucking teepee the whole time?
- Yeah, yeah, I think so.
- That sounds like a lot of arm work.
(laughs)
- Can you please ask another question?
- Yeah.
Have you ever wished you weren't a twin?
- Yes.
Just to have like my own identity.
I don't know
I feel like people group us a lot.
- We see twins on the street and we're like,
"Oh my god twins!"
And-- - Yeah so we do the same.
- Like we don't-- - Like it's a unicorn!
(laughs) but it's the--
- But that's how people look at us.
- You gotta get used to it.
You gotta embrace it so yeah. - Yeah.
- I don't mind it.
Where was the first time you masturbated?
- It was in my bed at home.
- You're really gonna answer that straight,
okay great, go ahead.
- It was in like fourth grade and you're like,
"This feels good, let's keep doing this."
And-- - Fourth grade?
- Wasn't it? - Fourth grade?
- Maybe even earlier.
- Wow really?
- I feel like I've been sexually active longer--
- Yeah, wow, fuck you have.
I think mine was--
- Why are you freaking out about--
- Because mine was, I was like in seventh grade I think.
Wait, wait.
Fourth grade we still had the same room.
What?!
- You do it quietly.
- Wait no, I was there?
- In the room.
- We have other rooms! - We were seven years old!
Were we gonna fuckin' like-- - Why were you seven?
Now it's second grade for you? - I don't know when it was.
- Did you come out of the womb jerking it off?
(screams)
Who are you?
Jesus I've never asked, fuck.
- I should've taken a shot. - Well no because now I know
something about you, fuck.
- Have we ever slept with the same person?
- No. - You've only slept--
(off stage laughter)
(giggles)
- What else don't I know?
- You only slept with one person.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And I haven't slept with her.
- Oh thank god okay.
Okay.
Is there anything physically different about us?
- You have the bigger nose.
- Well I mean it said, I have a bigger nose?
- You have slimmer cheeks - Slimmer cheeks?
- than I do.
You're more rugged.
You're like the-- - Bigger these ones?
- No, no way. - Yes.
- No way, what? - Yes.
- [Director] Show us.
- Wow, when was the last time we arm wrestled?
- A long time ago. - Long ago?
Oh jesus.
- [Director] Go!
- Oh this is bad, this is so bad.
- What if we're locked - Can we do the--
- for eternity? - Can we?
- What if we can't move?
- And then we'll, oh no!
You're so much stronger than I am.
I worked out earlier today!
You did nothing!
- Yes.
(applause)
- God damn it.
Fuck.
That's embarrassing.
That's on film.
- If you had to pick one of us to die
right now who would it be?
- Die right now?
I don't know. - No, but I think I,
well this is your question but I think I would choose you.
- To die? - Because I don't want you
to live without me.
That sounds so vicious. (laughs)
That came out weird.
(giggles)
Not that I'm such a great guy--
- Wait, wait, no, no, no, wait.
Let's slow this down
because the burden of living without you
is a fate worse than death?
You asshole! (laughs)
Oh my, you just said that! - C'mon, it'd be a life
of depression and like-- - There's more things
out there than you!
Fuck!
- No 'cause we're so like. (laughs)
No but it would, it would suck so much to live without you.
- Yeah.
It'd be the worst.
(sighs)
- I would like, I don't even know man.
I would like (exhales deeply)
- Hey, I'm still here.
I'm still here, you know?
- I don't even know what I'd do.
'Cause that's like the worst thing.
That's like the worst thing I can think of.
- I know.
'Cause I mean, you're your own person,
but you really are like a part of me.
- Yeah. - You know?
Like a part of me. (coughs)
So yeah.
It'd be like part of yourself dying.
(laughs)
(triumphant yell)
- Just to get over that. - Yeah.
- Last one. - This is the last one.
Aw, read it with me.
- [Together] Is life better as a twin?
Yes.
- Aw, that feels so gross. (groans)
- Woo, okay.
Let's do another one of these. (groans)
(glasses clink) We did it.
- [Director] You're done.
- We got through.
(applause)
Woo!
Where was I the first time you masturbated?
That is the actual question.
We really figured out - I don't wanna
- something today. - touch this hand.
Ugh! - Yeah.