-Well, here's a sentence I never thought I'd say --
Donald Trump was arrested
and appeared in Manhattan Criminal Court
to be arraigned on a total of 34 felony charges.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Well, it happened.
Trump surrendered himself to authorities today
and was arraigned at the Manhattan Criminal Court
on charges stemming from his hush-money payment
to adult-film-star Stormy Daniels
during the 2016 campaign.
That's him in court. Look at his face.
[ Laughter ]
This is the first time in his life
anything's ever dawned on him.
[ Laughter ]
The day began with tense scenes in Lower Manhattan
as throngs of Trump supporters numbering in the tens
or perhaps even the twelves... [ Laughter ]
showed up to sort of just mill around, I guess,
support the former indicted president,
where they were outnumbered by both reporters and pigeons.
Outside, agitator Marjorie Taylor Greene
showed up at a nearby park to scream
and shout like a lunatic,
something only a tourist from Georgia
would think gets her attention in New York City.
New York Congressman George Santos
also showed up, where he claimed
he was the one who had sex with Stormy Daniels.
Then -- [ Laughter ]
Then came Trump Watch.
The media had cameras trained on him all day
like a panda cam at a zoo,
hoping to catch a panda having sex,
and then illegally funneling a hush-money payment
to the panda they had sex with.
The cameras even followed Trump's car
as it drove on the FDR Highway, a parkway so slow and irritating
that if they really wanted to name it after a president,
they should name it after Donald J. Trump.
[ Laughter ]
And then came the moment when Trump appeared
at the courthouse and history was made.
Even Trump himself seemed shocked.
-Just minutes ago,
a "where were you when..." moment.
Donald Trump now technically under arrest.
A former candidate who ran for president amidst crowds
yelling for the locking up of his then Democratic opponent,
Hillary Clinton, has been arrested himself.
He says, "Heading to lower Manhattan,
the courthouse, seems so surreal" -- in all caps.
"Wow. They are going to arrest me."
The former president writes,
"Can't believe this is happening in America. MAGA!"
[ Laughter ]
-Trump commented on his own arrest,
a watershed moment in American history,
the way your grandpa posts on Facebook
about his trip to Italy.
"Wow. Seems so surreal.
Can't believe the pizza is better at home.
Your grandmother says hello."
[ Laughter ]
It's worth stepping back and appreciating
just how crazy this was.
Today, we witnessed the surreal spectacle
of one of the world's most notorious figures,
a former president and current candidate,
facing arrest and arraignment in the media capital of the world.
And let's not forget how funny
"current candidate" is in all this.
He got arrested, and he's still running for president.
This is like Pennywise doing kids' birthday parties
after "It" came out. [ Laughter ]
Even before today, the media speculation was so intense,
cameras followed his plane's every movement, from takeoff
in Palm Beach to landing at LaGuardia.
Man, look at that.
The media was tracking him like he's their GrubHub order.
"Folks, we're hearing now that Donald
is eight minutes away with our burrito."
[ Laughter ]
I didn't think there was a fate worse than prison,
but then they made him land at LaGuardia.
[ Laughter ]
"So where are we touching down?
Teterboro? White Plains?" "LaGuardia, sir."
"LaGuardia?! I'm not on trial for murder!"
[ Laughter ]
"It's worse than that, sir." "Spit it out!"
"We're landing at the Marine terminal."
[ Laughter ]
Also, side note -- LaGuardia is nice now.
They did a great job with the renovation.
Unfortunately, it's just gonna take us a few years
to stop making LaGuardia jokes.
So, LaGuardia, we just ask for your patience
in the same way you asked for ours during what seemed like,
I don't know, a hundred [bleep] years of construction.
[ Laughter ]
The point is, LaGuardia -- [ Cheers and applause ]
LaGuardia is proof that even the worst parts of New York
can change...Donald.
Now... [ Laughter ]
Nice to know that LaGuardia is still a very funny
arrival airport for a former president.
Did he also have to wait for his luggage at the carousel?
I would assume an oversize gold-plated roller.
"We got your bag, sir." "Double check the tag."
"It's definitely yours, sir."
"Check the tag!
They made an announcement.
A lot of these bags look the same."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm gonna follow the rules now! Okay?
That's the new Donald." [ Laughter ]
Also, I want to make it clear. It's not that I'm, like,
thrilled that a former president has been indicted.
I'm not. But I am thrilled that it's opened a door
to do topical jokes about Donald Trump
flying into LaGuardia.
I mean, was there a driver waiting for him there
with his name misspelled on a placard?
[ Laughter ]
It's one thing to track Trump
as he landed in New York yesterday
as he was ushered downtown for his arraignment this afternoon,
but why do they watch his plane take off
like it was an Apollo Moon mission?
Did they think there was a chance
he was going to rush the cockpit,
grab the controls, and make a hard
right turn toward Saudi Arabia?
"We have breaking news. Trump has commandeered
the plane, and it is now upside down."
[ Laughter ]
In fact, cable news even went so far as to show us
Trump's luggage coming off the plane on a conveyor belt Monday.
-The luggage is starting to come out from the bottom.
So, my -- my guess is that they don't want to get off the plane
until the luggage is in the car,
so that way they can just come down the stairs
and then be ready to go.
-Or Trump is trying to smuggle himself
out inside one of those suitcases.
[ Laughter ]
That's why when the luggage came down,
the carousel kept making these weird noises.
-Ouch.
[ Laughter ]
Mm.
[ Laughter continues ]
It's also the first time I saw it, you guys,
and I'm... [ Laughter ]
Now, when we were at first speculating about this case,
I think most people imagined it would be one or two charges
of maybe falsifying business records
or campaign-finance violations.
It was then reported that Trump would face 34 counts.
But even that was unclear because that could mean,
say, one felony and 33 misdemeanors,
which might actually come off as a fairly weak case.
But we found out today that the charges
were way more serious than that.
-NBC News is now reporting that inside that courtroom,
Donald Trump pleaded not guilty
to 34 counts of falsifying records.
-Our team, Aaron Katersky,
John Santucci, Katherine Faulders,
all joining and reporting at this hour
that the indictment is 34 felony counts
of falsifying business records.
We don't know if that is all of them,
but at least 34 felony counts of falsifying business records.
-Not just 34 charges, 34 felonies!
Holy [bleep] [ Laughter ]
In order to raise the $130,000
he used to pay off Stormy Daniels,
did he also rob a bank and a Halloween mask?
Of course, knowing Trump,
he'd wear a mask of his own face,
although his actual face already looks like a Halloween mask.
If you rip that thing off, you'd probably find
Patrick Swayze from "Point Break" under there.
Must have been a bummer for Trump's team
to find out that there were 34 felony charges
because as recently as last night, his lawyer,
a guy named Joe Tacopina,
was boldly predicting on Fox News
that the case would go away quickly.
-If it gets to a jury.
You know, what I would do,
what our team would do, what Todd and Susan would do,
is simply look, you know, the jurors in the eyes and say,
"This is -- You understand you're not voting
for a political office here.
This is not a presidential campaign
or a gubernatorial campaign.
This is someone's life and liberty."
This should be the quickest verdict in the history
of the United States of America.
-First of all, life and liberty
also sound like porn stars he paid hush money to.
[ Laughter ]
"Stormy introduced me to Liberty,
who introduced me to Chastity.
And next thing you know, bing, bang, boom, 34 felonies."
[ Laughter ]
Also, I almost feel bad for Rudy Giuliani
having to watch this guy. That used to be Rudy's job.
"Yeah, he's pretty good, I guess,
if you like tall and handsome.
You know, I used to be tall, but then my limo hit a pothole
and my neck fell down inside my chest."
[ Laughter ]
"It was on the DJT."
[ Laughter ]
We saw something historic today, and in many ways,
it was healthy to see business unfolding as normal in New York
because this is how a healthy democracy
and criminal justice system should be functioning.
Donald Trump will be presumed innocent,
as all criminal defendants are,
and the prosecution will have to prove that Trump
paid off Stormy as well as...
-Life and liberty.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪