- So this lady down at the zoo,
this lady down at the zoo, she taught this gorilla
how to do sign language, okay?
And I don't just mean like hello and goodbye,
like literally phrases, this thing could like talk about
its emotions. They were actually conversing.
The gorilla's sitting there talking to her,
"Oh my God, you look a little upset today."
And she's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda sad,"
and they're just talking.
So immediately, like, my brain just went fucking crazy.
I was like, "Oh my God, she's talking to a gorilla.
"I love gorillas, who doesn't wanna talk to a gorilla?"
And then without thinking that my wife is sleeping, I just
blurted out, "Ask it how much it can bench!
"Ask it how much it can bench!"
My wife like pops up, she's like, "What are you doing?"
I'm like, "Look at this, look at this.
"She's talking to a gorilla."
And we both just got sucked into this thing, right?
So long story short, she's sitting there,
she's talking to this gorilla, and one day,
she decides to get it a little kitten,
a little kitty cat, right?
And immediately I'm thinking like, "Don't get it a cat.
"It's a gorilla, it's gonna twist the thing's head off,
"throw the body over there, play with the head for a while,"
(sniffs)
"sniffin' it and stuff, and then later it's gonna
"walk over and set the head down next to the body
"and wonder why the whole thing's not getting up again."
Because it's a fucking gorilla, it's a wild animal.
Wild animals don't have pets, right?
It's kill or be killed out there, that's it.
They don't have little parakeets
on their shoulders and shit.
But it was the exact opposite.
She gives it this little kitten, and the thing immediately
understood that it was a baby, and this like parental thing
came over, and it was so, like, gentle and filled with joy,
and just playing, it was like beautiful, right?
And then they just understood that it loved this kitten,
and they started using it as like a teaching tool, right?
So it's every night, they take the cat back, all right,
and then the next day they come in, and if the gorilla
learned its phrases, it got to play with the kitten.
They used it as a motivational tool, so the gorilla's like
vocabulary started going through the roof, all right?
So to cut to the chase, one night they take the cat home,
somehow the little kitten gets out,
it got hit by a car, and it died.
(audience groans)
Yeah, that cat you never met died.
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry for your loss, I know you knew it,
all of it, for fucking twenty seconds, you know.
I don't know if it was dead instantly,
like if it drove right over its head,
and (splat sound) that was it,
or maybe it just hit the back legs and it tried
to crawl away, but it was like stuck to the road,
and it was meowing out and it could see its breath,
and right before it lost consciousness the rats came in,
and it was just screaming, and it had such cute little paws,
it was like little socks trying to get it off.
I don't know what happened, but you seem so fucking
concerned about this kitten, figured I'd throw out
a couple of theories, more concerned about the kitten
than all the Hitler shit, by the way.
More of a reaction.
(audience laughs)
More of a reaction, that's fine.
Every crowd's a little bit different.
It's not the point of the story, okay?
The point of the story was now this lady
had to go down to the zoo, she had to tell
the gorilla that the kitten was dead, right?
So she comes back down to the zoo,
and the gorilla's all amped up, this is like
its favorite part of the day, like, its mind
is engaged and it sees its little friend.
And at this point, its vocabulary is like crazy now.
And the lady shows up, the gorilla's all amped up,
and just looks at her like, "Oh, shit, what's up?
"Yeah," right?
(audience laughs)
And I can't do sign language, so you're gonna have
to bear with me through the rest of this bit.
I'm gonna do the best I can, all right?
So the thing's like, "What's up, yeah."
All right?
But the zookeeper lady, she has like, you know,
just sitting there all sad, you know,
trying to think how she's gonna tell it, right?
And the gorilla picked up on the vibe.
All right, she's kind of like, "Hello."
All right, then all of a sudden the gorilla's energy
just comes all down, she just starts looking at the lady
like, "Ah, what's wrong with you?
(audience laughs)
"Is there something that I need to know, huh?"
(audience laughs)
So the lady's sitting there, she's like,
"Ah geez, ah,
"well...
"well, the... the kitty cat,
"it got hit by a car, and it's fucking dead."
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)