Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic is looking at a narcissistic family. The
question asks if I would discuss pseudo mutuality. Now pseudo mutuality is a term
that describes an appearance of unity, but is in fact quite toxic, emotionally unhealthy and
often chaotic. The term is used to describe the ways in which a narcissistic family can appear
to be closely bonded, loving, in close alignment with each other, even how they bond together in
certain situations. That being said, I think that term could apply to any narcissistic collective,
particularly one that operates not unlike a cult. The APA Dictionary of Psychology describes pseudo
mutuality as, A family relationship that has a superficial appearance of mutual openness and
understanding, although in fact the relationship is quite rigid and depersonalising. To the outside
world they are a cohesive unit, but in reality they don't really connect with each other. The
fraught, tense, bitter relationships are often well hidden from others. So family members are
all united in maintaining this image of a perfect family. There's no disagreements, no conflict.
Which isn't real because we can't all be on the same page every single time. We all have different
opinions, perspectives, and preferences. So where there are no differences allowed, no dissenting
opinions or thoughts, there's no real connection of any real depth. There's no separate identities.
Conflicts are solved by either ignoring them or shutting them down immediately. Problems aren't
addressed in a fair, respectful understanding way. Instead conflict is generally dealt with through
toxic, domineering behaviour to establish fear and control within the family. Behind closed doors
there is bullying, bickering, arguing. There's unkind humour. Not just to maintain control,
but to avoid having to deal with deeper feelings to avoid emotional closeness. This is known as
pseudo hostility. Family members emotionally injure each other with spiteful remarks,
harmful behaviour that often has long term effects. So if that's the case why does pseudo
mutuality work? How does a narcissistic parent control the family and maintain a sense of unity
to uphold the public facade? First of all by creating unhealthy relationship imbalances in
order to divide and conquer. The head narcissist, usually a parent, a matriarch or patriarch,
thrives off relationship imbalances. They create a hierarchy in the family. That's where we often
see roles such as Golden Child, Scapegoat, Enabler and so on. The hierarchy, the roles often make the
relationships quite disjointed and fractious. The narcissist pits the other family members against
each other by sowing confusion, fear, envy and chaos. That division makes it easier for them
to control everyone. Everyone is loyal to the narcissist, not necessarily towards each other.
Secondly they control through triangulation and this involves indirect communication.
Triangulation brings another party into a conflict in order to either gain support or
sympathy or perhaps just to belittle their victim. For instance if that parent has an issue with one
of the others they discuss it with someone else rather than the person themselves, knowing the
contents of that conversation will be fed to their target. Messages are carried between people rather
than being communicated directly. This seems to be more about controlling the conflict rather
than resolving it. Because bringing other people into it can have the target feel as that they're
being ganged up on is if they're being mobbed. There is also triangulation amongst the siblings.
Narcissistic parents often play children off each other, comparing them unfavourably. It creates
unhealthy competition and the effect of this can be the other family members feel disconnected from
each other. They bicker among themselves, like all siblings do I guess, but this would be more
vindictive, passive aggressive, even scathing. And the conflict between them often distracts
from the narcissist s abusive behaviour and allows them to stay in control. Then there is enmeshment.
Here we see a lack of boundaries. There's little to no privacy. The children, family members aren't
allowed their own space, no secrets. So failures, insecurities, fears are often shared openly with
others in order to punish and humiliate. The children, usually one of them in particular,
are treated more like an adult, a substitute partner. They have to problem solve like an adult,
collude with the narcissist s schemes. Give the narcissist whatever reassurance they constantly
need. If boundaries were respected, if the family members were allowed any personal
autonomy they might see the reality of the cult they live in. So questions, challenges are often
met with aggression, passive aggression and ultimately punishment. We also see emotional
manipulation. Most narcissists are generally aware enough to know that their behaviour is wrong,
even though they think they may be entitled to behave anyway they want. So they hide it
by pretending to be caring, loving, virtuous and fair. Now even though those within the family unit
do get to see the narcissist s venomous side, they were still manipulated. And involves a constant
emotional push pull of both positive and negative reinforcement which creates upset, fear, envy as
well as moments of reward or even just relief. They become trauma bonded. Now another very common
tactic that narcissists use to unite those around them is by creating a them and us mentality. The
narcissist can unite a group against a common enemy of some kind. Now it could be someone
who's maybe just wounded their ego. Maybe it's an ex partner. And I think that's often where we see
things like parental alienation, turning the kids against the parent, turning the other parent into
a villain. Or it could be against the scapegoat of the family, the child who is blamed for all
the family s misery. The scapegoat I think is often the child who doesn't really quite fit in,
doesn't really believe the lies. But a common effect of being scapegoated in a family is the
child being led to believe that they are actually the problem. They must be because nothing they do
his right and everybody seems to hate them. It s also not uncommon for the target to be an outsider
who comes into the family. Perhaps a son or a daughter-in-law. Someone who can maybe can see
them for what they are, doesn't really buy into the lies. Someone who will never be one of them
or could expose them. But really it could just be anyone they envy, anyone they feel they have
no control or influence over. And the them and us mentality creates a clear division between
the family unit and whoever their target is and acts like a bond that holds them all together. So
they are united against the target. The target is treated as if they are a threat to all of them. It
is someone who is worthy of all of their venom. So there is slander, there's gossip, insults,
having digs, making jibes. Looking for any kind of error, fault in the target that they can exploit.
Something that might actually win them favour with the narcissist. Lastly, the reason why
these tactics work so effectively by creating both misery and conflict yet still be able to
present a united front is because narcissists are generally highly skilled at hiding how
they really are in public. Narcissists have very fragile egos and can't accept that they may not
actually be perfect. They may not be wonderful. Or perhaps, maybe at some point in their lives they
have done something wrong. So they always present this image that it is everyone else is at fault.
They ll frame narratives that leave out certain details, not only to vilify their opponents,
but also to keep the delusions alive. The images they portray often fly in the face of what their
victims claim. So who's going to believe it? As I ve often said narcissistic families tend
to operate behave as if there are a cult. In the sense that there is a sense of identity,
there's a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging but at the cost of individuality, autonomy,
even emotional growth. At early age many children are brainwashed into having to believe the lie.
Like all cult leaders, narcissists teach their children, You're okay when I'm okay. Image is
everything. So there's no real depth. Different members of that family, they live the lie for
many different reasons. Sometimes it depends on the role, maybe it depends on their age, but it's
been normalised for their whole lives. They've been conditioned to believe that it's all true,
so they live that lie. Sometimes it's out of fear of the narcissist s rage. Sometimes its out of
shame, they don't want others to see the reality of what they have to cope with. But the thing
about children are they aren't children forever, sooner or later they grow up. But like all cults,
you're not allowed to leave. There are consequences. Autonomy, self determination
is a threat to any cult, so any signs of it from any of the members is often met with resistance
and it can be painful. Some victims have been so enmeshed they fear may be losing their regard or
facing the wrath of the very person or very people that use and abuse them. And when one
of those members, maybe it's the partner or perhaps one of the grown up children,
whenever they do challenge the narrative, the behaviour or they decide to leave, go no contact,
they're not going along with the delusion anymore, or they maybe exposed them somehow. Then they get
punished by everyone and it's back to the them and us mentality. The rest of the family unite
against the common threat. There's maybe silent treatment. There's being ostracised,
vindictiveness, callousness. Smear campaigns or even the withholding of resources. Now if
the whole family, or indeed everyone else they've lied to is siding with the narcissist, that person
can feel as if they're being outnumbered. They re isolated. Everyone hates me. Maybe I am actually
at fault here. They may begin to question and doubt themselves. Now I'm a big believer in
exceptions. There are always exceptions. There are times when the adult children do become more
aware as they grow older. They start to form other healthy relationships and sometimes some of them,
maybe all of them, unite together in support of each other against the narcissistic parents. But
maybe that's a video for another time. So that's a brief outline of pseudo mutuality and pseudo
hostility. As always I'm sure there's many things I could have added, many things I've forgotten
to add. Please feel free to use the comment box below. There are some interesting conversations
start around these videos. If you find this video interesting, if you find it helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel. And until next time, thanks for watching.