Hi, I'm sex and relationship coach Caitlin V
and today let's talk about anal sex.
Or perhaps most commonly known as butt stuff.
Butt stuff, anal sex, you want it
and your partner doesn't wanna give it to you.
The age-old conundrum,
actually probably not age old, it's probably more recent.
I feel like anal sex has gotten a lot more popular
I mean certainly with the last couple hundred years
as we've had sanitation and so open running water,
but also I think more recent just in the past 20 or 30 years.
I think anal sex is really, really popular.
One theory I have is that millennials are really into butts
like big butts, butts on Instagram, butts have their own like culture.
Butts are a big thing today.
Also porn, porn's a lot more popular, a lot more accessible
than has ever been and because we all like get tired
and desensitized of just looking at the same porn.
Like anal is one way of diversifying porn
without needing like a whole bunch of different
actors or actresses or
you know, doing more extreme stuff.
So, anyways, all of which is to say
that there's plenty of reasons that
you might want to do anal sex.
It is taboo, it is different, it is novel for sure.
If you've been having sex with your partner for a long time
it is a great way to spice things up,
and the anus has got a butt ton
it's got a lot of nerve endings, okay.
So, it can be really pleasurable
it can be pleasurable for the giving partner
and for the receiving partner
when done correctly.
But this video is all about
how to get your partner to have anal sex
with you, which presumes that you
have perhaps spoken to them about it before,
brought it up, maybe you haven't,
but you're thinking more than likely.
They're not as interested,
they don't share your interest in having anal sex.
So, I am going to address all of that in more in this video.
But before I do, I invite you to travel on down here
somewhere and click the subscribe button
so that you don't miss anymore awesome tips
about how to get the sex life that you want, alright.
Back to the butt,
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that
the average man wants to experience anal sex
and the average female partner feels kind of
disgusted when she hears those words
and there's plenty of good reasons
gentlemen for her to feel that way.
It's new, it sounds like something that porn stars do,
she's imagining that it's gonna hurt, that it's gonna be dirty.
She probably doesn't know that much about it
and she probably hasn't watched a bunch of women on porn
taking it in the butt the way that you have.
So, you probably are thinking like, ooh man it's super simple
everyone does it, and she's thinking
when's the last time that none of my friends talk about anal.
Anal is not something that I do,
anal is for dirty girls,
anal is for sluts, anal is for porn stars.
She's a lot of reasons
that she's coming from the perspective that she is.
So, I want to start by professing that
listen, women don't just
make stuff up from nowhere.
They have reasons to feel the way that they do.
Her reasons for maybe not wanting to have anal sex
are totally valid and if you treat them as valid
before you even start this conversation,
I swear she's gonna feel way more heard,
way more understood, way more loved and cared for
and all of those feeling are gonna be what eventually unlocks
her door,
back door.
Here is the truth,
the anus has got a bad reputation,
but it didn't earn it, okay.
It's not dirty, no poop is stored in the anus
and it's not painful if done correctly.
But chances are good that maybe some guy
tried to stip a finger in there
when he was drunk or she was drunk
and she didn't have a great time,
it hurt really bad maybe even she bled.
She's got reasons again,
anus has got a bad rep.
We're here to solve that.
How do we go about doing that?
Number one,
she probably has perfectly valid reasons
that she's not interested in exploring anal
and it's your job to ask what those are
and come up with creative solutions
and not just feel bogged down by a no.
Perhaps by having a conversation with her,
you can learn more about
what her reason are, what her thoughts are,
what her beliefs are about anal sex
and then cleverly introduce information
that contradicts those thoughts or beliefs.
Like for example, she might
think that there's going to be poop
and that's going to gross you out
and then you're gonna find her body gross,
and you're not gonna want to have sex with her anymore.
You can say to her well, hey
poop is not stored in the anus
or in the first few inches of the rectum
so, no worries there,
and even if there were poop,
I won't be grossed up.
I know that there's a risk of that
and I'm willing to plan for it
and I would never judge you or think you're gross,
if that were to be the case.
Super simple,
doesn't take a whole lot of creativity,
but it's gonna take you really really far
in having this whole conversation.
Number two, but really perhaps should come first is
analyze your sex life like,
how good is your sex life?
Because right now if you're not having a great sex life
and then someday you come to her and you're like
listen, I know that we haven't been intimate in a year,
but how do you feel about taking it up the butt?
It's probably not gonna go over that well.
How satisfied is she with your sex life?
Is she reaching orgasm every time?
Is she feeling pleased and satisfied?
Does she initiate sex and
even if she doesn't initiate sex,
does she enthusiastically have sex when she does?
These are all really important questions.
Anal is not going to fix something if it's broken.
It's more like the cherry on top of the icing
of the cake that you two have been baking together.
So your sex life should already be awesome
and you should be someone who
she wants to have sex with.
Like, if you are not taking care of yourself,
not treating yourself well, your hygiene is bad,
you don't shave, clean,
work out regularly, whatever the man that
she initially fell in love with was doing,
and now you're kinda taking a back seat to all that
and now you are expecting her
to take it up the butt?
Like men, maybe hit the gym,
maybe make sure that she's cumming frequently,
go down on her whatever it is that she likes.
Get all that in place before you make this ask
and then make the ask, then you can make the ask
from a strong grounded perspective
instead of like coming off as sort of needy
or feeling like this is gonna save your sex life.
When really it's just one of the awesome tools
in the endless toolbox of sex and sexuality.
Tip number three.
Anal sex is not an all or nothing prospect, okay.
There's tons of step along the way
to creating this environment
or the situation in which anal sex could be great.
Number one, you could start
fantasizing about it with her.
You could start introducing it
into your dirty talk.
Number two, you could
do some work that is not penetrative.
So, like leading up to anal sex.
So, the next time you have sex,
you ask her if it's okay for you to put
a dry finger just in the outside of her anus
and then, you move up to a lubricated finger
on the inside.
Like penetrating her anus with a finger,
a well... not one of these nails,
like short nails, well-groomed finger.
Maybe a finger with a finger condom
or regular condom over it,
so that after you pull your finger out of her anus,
you can just pull off that condom
throw it to the side, and you don't need
soap or anything indeed. There's no smell
you just have a perfectly clean finger.
You move up to those then
maybe you'll move up to penetration
with no movement
and then optimally penetration with movement
and don’t forget there are tons of great toys like, butt plugs
that you can utilize along the way.
And perhaps if she's not even into that,
you could fantasize about having anal sex
while you are having vaginal sex.
Like, you could talk it out, you could
pretend that that is her anus.
You could buy a pocket pussy,
one of those fleshlight
a toy along those lines
that looks like an anus.
You could put that on her back
or near her anus and have sex with that,
you could be a part of fantasy
for the two of you before you actually
manifest it in reality.
After you are there,
once you are to the point where you're
ready to have penetrative anal sex,
there's a couple of things to keep in mind.
Number one, lube, lube, lube, lube, lube.
I highly recommend a silicon-based lube
as long as you're not using a silicon toy.
Because it doesn't dry out very quickly.
It's also a lot thicker so, it stays
where you put it, which is ideal for anal sex
because the feeling of having
something running like
liquid dripping outside your anus is... turn off.
Silicon lube is very thick,
very viscous and so it typically doesn't just run
and it's really... it can be really actually
a great tool for making sure that things stay sleek.
Remember that the anus is not self-lubricating like the vagina
no matter what, it's not gonna produce any liquid,
any lubrication so, it needs to be lubricated
by external lube.
If you’ve seen my channel before
you might know that I'm a fan of uberlube.
Oops.
Uberlube.
I know they didn't pay me for this.
I just love this stuff, it's a silicon-based lube.
It's in this beautiful clear glass bottle,
it's made near where I live in Illino,
and it's really simple,
and you can use it for flyaways to tame your hair.
So, I think win, win, win.
Finally, consider having a towel nearby or some wet wipes,
because in that moment you don't want to be
scrambling to find something.
If there is a little bit of fecal matter or smell
and then also consider condoms.
Condoms make for a very smooth entrance.
Condoms with lube together can make things a lot easier.
Especially the first couple of times that you're trying anal sex.
One other thing to keep in mind is that
you can do anal sex from different positions.
So, for me I had a couple of bad experiences with anal sex.
I had a couple non-consensual experiences with anal sex.
My first ever boyfriend had heard from somewhere.
That if you just regularly touched a girl's anus,
that she would become more comfortable
with the idea of having anal sex,
and so he was constantly touching my anus
and never explained to me why then when I learned that,
I felt really manipulated, I did not like that feeling.
I didn't like that he had been doing this thing instead of just asking me
hey, can we try this I'm interested in that.
So, I had a lot of negative feelings about it a lot of like
I just don't think it's for me, right.
Which is hard because as a sex coach,
I want to be open to everything.
Like, I think it's really important
for myself that I try everything at least a few times
because if enough other people like it,
there's a chance that I'm gonna like it.
And so, I kind of had put anal off
and said that was not for me
and then my partner asked me if we could try
he was interested. We were
initially falling in love and exploring sex together
and he showed me
that you could have anal sex and still have eye contact,
which was something that I was really missing.
Eye contact is really important to me.
So, I thought you had to be in
doggy style essentially like women facing
the bed or the floor or the couch,
whatever and the man behind her.
That makes a lot of sense, that's kind of
what we think of when we think of anal sex,
but if you are reasonably flexible and I... that's
reasonably like most human beings are
flexible enough to accomplish this.
As the receptive partner, you can
actually be laying on your back
with your knees pulled up closer to your chest
and then the giving partner, the insertive partner
can be in front of you.
So, it's like missionary style sex,
but instead of penetrating the vagina,
you're penetrating the anus.
This way you can maintain eye contact,
you can be communicating with each other.
This feels good, slow down, this angle
you know, move to the left to the right,
you can go faster, you can go harder, right.
But when you can read someone,
all of that verbal communication is
backed up by being able to read their body language.
By being able to monitor their breathing,
that way you'll know if your partner is like,
and they stop breathing, that's a good time to check in with
them and say hey, is everything okay,
do you want me to stop? Right.
So, you can get creative with this.
If you ask your partner
what their objections to anal sex are,
why they don't want to do it, whether that's
I'm gonna not be able to look in your eyes,
I think it's dirty, I'm afraid of the smell,
that's just for dirty girls.
Then you can enter into a conversation,
that's going to open the door
and allow you two to explore anal sex gradually, okay.
Coz it's not just all or nothing,
You can get really creative
and have a ton of fun
with all of the awesome
nerve endings and delicious feelings
that can come from
this particular part of the human body.
I hope that you enjoy this video,
I hope that you find it useful.
If you did or you have additional questions about anal
please type them in the comments below
and of course please do subscribe
I would love to share
this and so much more information
with you to help you have the best sex of your life.
Butt stuff, butt stuff...