- Hey, I'm from Malaysia, man.
(crowd cheers)
Thank you.
I moved to the UK two years ago,
I moved here mainly for comedy
and so I can drink tap water and not die.
Fucking awesome here, right, tap water?
Skyping my parents back in Malaysia and I'm like,
hey, don't try this at home.
Water is transparent here, fuck yeah.
It's awesome.
I went to a Malaysian restaurant earlier today,
it's kind of weird man, Malaysian restaurants here.
I ordered my food, right,
and the waiter asked me if I had an food allergies.
That's not fucking what we do back home.
Right, who's been to Asia?
Give me a cheer.
(crowd cheers)
Yeah, when you ordered street food in Asia
did they ask you what allergies you have?
No, right?
You eat a peanut and die,
we just pack our shit up and cycle away.
Leave the chopsticks, let's go son!
Why's he on the floor Daddy?
He's just taking a nap, man.
He's still breathing, throw another peanut at him.
Okay.
It's a peanut gun.
We'll have to re-locate our business
mainly because this chalk outline is terrible Feng Shui.
It's ruining my chi and shit.
I just can't believe they asked me that, you know?
My parents didn't believe in allergies, man.
You know when you're with immigrant parents,
Yeah? Your parents believe in food allergies?
No, right?
Same, man.
Tell my parents you have a peanut allergy
and they'll just be like, oh no, no, no, no such thing.
Only strong people and weak people.
How can you be a man if a peanut fucks you up?
A peanut kill my son? I have no son.
Walk it off, pussy.
The fuck do you need an Epipen for?
Hospitals in Asia is just people on treadmills
going, oh shit, oh man.
What are you trying to walk off man?
Oh natural causes.
How about you?
Oh shit, I ate a peanut
and washed it down with tap water, fuck.
Yeah you can't drink the tap water, can't breathe the air
back there, either man.
Air in Malaysia is kind of like air in London,
you ever feel like it's healthier here if you smoke
a cigarette 'cause it's a filter in that shit?
The warning label should just be a picture
of a happy family, you know, kid flying a kite,
having a fag, you know.
My parents didn't believe in allergies, man.
I told my parents I had hay fever this past summer.
Yeah, this was the closest I've felt
to coming out the closet.
I'm like I have something important to say, mum and dad,
flowers make me sneeze.
I live in the first world and I'm afraid of a tulip.
Please still love me.
Don't sharpie me off the family photos.
Who's that dark figure?
Oh we don't talk about him anymore.
He needs Benadryl, he's too weak.
A plant fucked him up.
Yeah.
Who else been to Asia?
(crowd cheers)
Yeah?
Did you get food poisoning there?
- [Audience Member] Yeah, all the time.
- All the time?
Fuck yeah, you did Asia correctly, man.
That's what we're known for right?
Asia's the only place where the more food you eat there,
the more weight you lose.
Best cure for constipation, you know.
There's no bowel movement for a week?
Just backpack through Thailand.
Storm's gonna hit you, man.
Last time I went back to Asia I shat so hard
I discovered the male G-spot.
It was a pleasant afternoon.
They don't teach you that, man.
And half our toilets back there are squat toilets,
you know it's just a hole in the ground,
so you're gonna have to shit and train your core
at the same time.
It's like five crunches per potsticker, you know.
You're gonna come back with abs, man.
Like ooh, have you been working out?
Nope, just noodles beside a highway.
Then go and shit in a hole.
Malaysia's too religious for me, man.
I grew up to believe in reincarnation,
it's a dumb thing to believe in right?
If I still believed in reincarnation now,
I'd just keep killing myself until I hit
white middle-class man.
That's how you game the system, right?
Born as a baby, fuck yellow again?
Fucking, the most common model every time, man.
I've had five yellows in a row now.
I'd fucking take ginger at this point.
Just bungee jump back to the fanny right there.
There's a movie that came out earlier this year, right,
about the Great Wall of China.
You guys heard about this?
If you don't know, the movie's called Great Wall,
starring Matt Damon.
Yeah, what the fuck's he doing in that movie?
He's on his gap year or some shit?
He's trying to find himself, like maybe I'm Chinese?
I don't know.
If I squint my eyes real hard I kind of look Chinese.
Yeah, don't do that.
It sounds racist when you do that.
You know it's not racism for me to like,
open my eyes real big, you know?
Go round and circley like yours.
I'm doing it right now, you just can't tell.
Not racist, just really uncomfortable.
Dust keeps flying in there, just...
how do you guys live like that?
Keep my windows half shut, thank you.
Don't need that field of vision.
View my world through a slit, allows me to focus, you know.
That's why it's mainly white kids with ADHD,
you guys see too much, man.
Just wake up - airplanes, dirt, fuck!
Can't concentrate!
Once I put contacts in there, it's fucking in there.
Snug fit.
Step on a land mine, middle of a hurricane, still in there.
Yeah, yours probably fall out when you lean out
a car window, yeah.
You know when you go to the movies, you see the black bars
above and below the picture?
That's how it is for me all the fucking time.
Big blind spot here, you could mug me with a knife
under my nose, give me all your money or I'll stab you.
Like, with what?
I don't see anything.
Don't go and watch that Great Wall movie man,
that's what I'm trying to get at.
It's fucking bullshit that movie.
You see an aerial shot, thousands of Chinese people
building the wall, you know,
and then suddenly Matt Damon.
And they all start working together to fight a dragon.
That's not historically accurate.
Right, working together? Really?
No way man.
This was China 500BC, like we knew about dragons
but we'd probably never seen a white person before.
If I live during that time and I see a dragon
and Matt Damon,
I'm killing Matt Damon, he's the fucking alien one.
Spear him in the chest and then go high five the dragon
and shit, fuck yeah.
He's trespassing, this fucking guy.
Don't know why they put the wall up in the first place,
you know, keep out Mongolians and Matt.
Hollywood does this whitewashing all the time right?
Remember a few years back, Tom Cruise was the Last Samurai?
Remember that shit?
If Tom Cruise can be the last samurai,
I could've play fucking, Mary Poppins.
Hold two hands with two other white kids, right?
Fly in with that Chinese umbrella,
cone hat on, just throwing DVDs at them.
I'm your nanny now, children.
Yellow wash all your movies man, put Asians in them.
Yeah, remake Doctor Who but spelled H-U.
If you haven't been to Asia, you should go, man.
It's the cheapest place in the world.
It's so cheap there that if you go, you should try
to get kidnapped for fun.
Right?
Yeah what's gonna happen, you get kidnapped,
they're gonna call your parents up,
like you wanna see your son again?
Better pay us one million Cambodian riels!
Oh you mean £6?
Take a photo of him shitting himself,
I'll give you £8 for that.
Put it on the fridge, it'll be fun.
So let me know if you go to Asia man, I'll kidnap you.
Split it fifty fifty, £3 each.
A pint for you, one week's salary for me.
It's a different story if I got kidnapped here, man.
Call my parents up, what? You want £1000 for him?
Why? Is that how much he thinks he's worth?
You know he's allergic to flowers, right?
I have no son!
Alright, you guys have been lovely man,
thank you very much, I've been Nigel Ng,
have a good night.