My parents want me to win the Scripps spelling bee.
My dad wants me to take college classes in middle school.
My mom makes me do taekwondo,
but only because it looks good on college applications.
My parents say I have to be a doctor.
That sounded boring until I heard about John Kapoor.
[reporter] John Kapoor was arrested on charges
including racketeering, conspiracy, and fraud.
Thanks to John Kapoor,
I know that I can be a doctor who fucks around in the drug game.
As a national merit scholar,
I was obsessed with getting the right answer,
but Dinesh D'Souza taught me that I don't have to.
I don't even have to say things that make sense.
I can be a complete fucking lunatic.
The idea that there's not a mere analogy between Hitler and the democrats...
he got his schemes from them.
I thought I couldn't be hardcore because my name is Raj,
but then businessman Raj Gupta got arrested for insider trading.
[reporter] He is about to be criminally charged.
[reporter 2] Prosecutors say Rajat Gupta was leaking secret corporate information.
[reporter 3] Gupta often shared that valuable inside information
with convicted hedge fund trader Raj Rajaratnam.
That's three Rajs in one crime.
Rajs are dope.
I want most in my Wikipedia page to be the controversies tab.
Forget good grades. I'm making insider trades.
I wanna make money off of cancer patients and use it to hunt rhinos.
I wanna destroy a government agency from the inside.
My bindi is gonna be a prison tattoo.
A kid named Raj ain't nothing to fuck with.
[applause]
[cheering]