- I moved to the countryside a couple of years ago.
I think it's the countryside,
I don't know for sure.
The reason I think it's the countryside
is that every now and again outside smells of shit.
(audience laughing)
That's how you know, isn't it?
It's quite a well-to-do area we've moved to,
in which we do not belong in the slightest.
(audience chuckling)
I know it's a well-to-do area 'cause
I said to my husband, "It's a bit chilly in here,"
And he said, "Oh, should we turn the floor up?"
That's not right, is it?
(audience laughing)
And about 10 minutes later I said,
"Look, the cats are dancing,"
he said, "Oh bugger, turn it down."
(audience laughing)
But presumably you all know that
if I was in Downton Abbey you all know
I'd be downstairs, yes?
(audience laughing) Yes?
Good, no, I'm glad.
It made it all the more weird
when a man buzzed the buzzer
and I answered, "Hello?"
and he said, "Are you the lady of the house?"
And I thought, I don't know.
(audience laughing)
And I said to him, "I'm a lady in a house,
if that helps you flower."
And then he spent the next 10 minutes
trying to sell me stuff off the back of his van.
It took me two of those minutes to realise
that a nursery could also sell plants.
I was just thinking, where the fuck have I moved to
where they're going door to door selling bairns
off the back of a van?
(audience laughing)
And I'm not very decadent, I'm not flashy at all.
Having said that, I do regularly have three jars
of jam all on the go at the same time.
(audience laughing)
There's no need for that, is there?
They're all strawberry, makes no fucking sense at all.
(audience laughing)
But I'm just the same as you.
The first thing I do the morning
is exactly what you do, I'm sure of it.
First thing I do in the morning, I set the staff to work.
(audience laughing)
No, that's what I call it when I put
the washing machine, the tumble dryer
and the dishwasher all on at the same time.
And I think, well, they're all working,
I'm gonna have a biscuit.
(audience laughing)
There's a few of you looking at me like,
"Hmm, have you got staff?"
No, I've just explained,
and don't worry, they're all white.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
It's not just the two of us in the house, we've got pets.
We've got two cats and a dog.
I would say that the cats are adorable,
but I would be lying.
(audience laughing)
One of the cats, Ripley, little girl cat,
hasn't got a bad bone in her body,
she's incredibly sweet.
Brody, boy cat, 70% adorable, 30% bit of a twat really.
(audience laughing)
We took them-
And you can't judge me on this,
even though I suspect you're going to.
We took them to see a cat behaviourist.
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
(audience laughing)
But the best thing about going to see a cat behaviourist
is that for £30, I could talk to a lady
about my cats for an hour and she couldn't leave.
(audience laughing)
But as soon as we finished with her
we needed to go and see the vet
'cause Brody, the one that's a bit of a twat,
needed an injection.
And I knew what was gonna happen,
I knew the vet was gonna put him on the scale
and the vet was gonna say that he's a bit overweight.
He is a bit overweight.
We're all a bit overweight in our house.
But if we stand in a line
you can't tell, that's how perspective works.
(audience laughing)
But exactly what we thought would happen, happened.
The vet put him on the scale,
the vet said he was overweight.
The words had barely escaped the vet's mouth
when Brody just bit him.
(audience laughing)
And I thought, good on you son,
you bite the fucking hand that doesn't feed you.
(audience laughing)
But the cats do sometimes chase each other around,
it can look a little aggressive.
So every now and again we try and sort of
distract them, sort of break that up.
What we do is we use a laser pen.
You will have seen these.
So the cats will be chasing each other around
then one or both of them will become transfixed
by a little red dot that has appeared
on the ceiling or the walls or the floor.
And it's so effective that we've started
using it in our own relationship.
(audience laughing)
So I'll be saying something like,
"All I want you to do when you finish
with your wet towels is put them in the fucking-
Ooh ooh, ooh. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Hi, I'm Sarah Millican
and thanks very much for watching my video.
I'm on tour at the moment
with a show called "Bobby Dazzler".
To find out where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks, bye.