I have been studying cross-cultural approaches to resolving
conflict for almost twenty years.
I am passionate about this subject.
I still, even after all that time get that awful, sick feeling
in my stomach when someone is mad at me
Conflict indeed is messy, risky, scary and as we all know
can be extremely dangerous
After all that time I have come to understand
that conflict is one of the best things
that we've got going for us
So, can you think of a time where your life
has gotten better, where you have improved somehow
without some degree of discord?
It might be a battle of ideas, should I take the job, should I not take the job
but if everything is going along the same
I know I don't change. We need conflict to push us forward
The tough needs to come so that the good can occur.
It is as Euripides once said there is in the worst of fortunes the best
chance of a happy change. So, I find this true in my own life
I thought you like a little snippet of me
but first we have to stop and look at it wasn't I the cutest darn
thing at nine years old?
I wanted to be Gloria Steinam when I grew up!
So that's the glasses, you've got that!
This gives you some of the things
that propelled me forward. You'll notice that
with all of these there is a battle
that ensued before I shifted
before I was courageous
sometimes I was just fighting with myself
like not being ready to go to college at 17
careful when you skip 8th grade you end up young
and I was crying in my mother's lap
at 17, which was not good
and I realized that I probably instead
should go to Mexico on a foreign exchange program
which has brought me to this work, I
probably wouldn't have starting dating
my husband if I hadn't had
that so that is one example others are
when I am fighting with other people
like my parents when they moved me to Minneapolis
again a good thing over the long haul
and I had a whole set of contentious meetings
in my late 20's early 30's that drove
me to get mediation training
and then sometimes we fight with life
and in my case you see that a friend died way way
too young and our loss
of her pushed me to go to graduate
school in something that I loved and also
to start writing. So I've needed conflict
I need the battles to get this far anyway
So my job is to look for common tips and techniques
that you can find around the world to deal with difficult
circumstances. Another way to look at it is I look to
see what a wise grandmother would tell me if I was in India
if I was in Panama if I was in Italy
or in Thailand.
What am I told where no matter where I go?
The great news is that there is a wealth
of tips and techniques that can be found
That can help us overcome tough times
but today as you know watching a Ted talk
I have a conflict! I only have
10 minutes so I get to tell you just 1 cross cultural tip
I'm going to tell you what it is
why it works, and how to apply it.
Are you ready? OK, here we go...
The global tip is
when conflict comes...be grateful. I know
right...when a guy cuts you off in traffic
give thanks. When
the woman thinks your ideas are absolutely
ridiculous be appreciative and
if you live in conflict or post-conflict zones
like so many of my students even
then we are counseled to count this as
a blessing. As counterintuitive as it
may sound, finding gratitude in conflict makes
us safer and more apt to find resolution.
The advice is clear.
If we even just start at the world's major religions
you'll find in Christianity they'll say
Give thanks regardless of the circumstances
In the Islamic and Jewish traditions we are told
to stop and give praise for whatever
comes our way 3 to 5 times a day.
And I appreciate in Hinduism they give us a goal to shoot for
"Such people have mastered life" this is the idea that
whatever comes along on our path that it is good
that it is equal and is part of this greater Whole
So why is this a global tip? I think
brain research is giving us some clues.
Here's your brain, I am going to tell you
This is your brain, this is your brain on conflict
So here we go. Your brain is actually like three
or four brains all cobbled together. You'll notice that
you've got the limbic system in the middle and these different pieces
take turns driving. The limbic system's job, one of its jobs, is to
look for threats. To look for things that might hurt you.
It is paying attention, "Is that a problem, is that a threat?"
"Is that a problem?" And if it sees something
it is hard wired to give control to your reptilian brain.
And you can see that, it's that dark part down
in the base, like a reptile hiding
it acts like it too sometimes!
But it's job is that if there is an immediate physical threat
is to get you into fight flight. So it's to
course adrenaline through your body and get you ready
to get the heck out of here or to neutralize your opponent.
But the problem is if this is not an immediate physical threat that you are dealing with
not such a good place to be when in conflict.
Now you may have noticed on the previous chart that I am a mother of 3
and so when I'm in my reptilian brain or in fight flight
this is the point where the screaming teenager is
yelling at me and I'm screaming right back!
and about 20 minutes later I am
desperately regretting what I've just said
It is the place of, most of the time, very poor parenting skills
I know that no one else can relate to this
Where we want to be most of the time if
there is not an immediate physical threat, we actually want to be
in our neocortex. You can see that, it's the
light and fluffy part and your pre-frontal lobes
There are amazing in that this part of our
brain can think in past, present and future
where the reptilian brain only in the present
only cares about me
So this part of our brain -- past, present and future -- and can handle
complex problem solving. With teenagers, good plan, right?
If this is the place we want to be in conflict, the wonderful thing is
that latest brain research shows that that is where we have to process gratitude
We have to be in our neocortex to think about things we are thankful for
So when something bad is coming your way this cross-cultural tip
tells you to think of 5 things you are thankful for
and if you do that you have a fighting chance to get your neocortex
and in my case as a mother is to maybe be quiet
to ask good questions and to see the bigger picture
Something I always try to remember when I'm thinking of my brain
is that I'm not only fighting with another
every time conflict comes, or fighting with life,
I'm actually fighting with my brain and if
we can remember that and be kind to ourselves
that can be a step forward in conflict as well
So this cross-cultural tip goes 1 step further
it says not only to be grateful
for conflict, but also to be grateful
for your opponents. We see this in the Jewish
proverb, "Listen to your enemy, for God is talking."
We also see this in the opening bow
of the Eastern martial artists as they step
onto the mat and they bow and say,
"Thank you for this opportunity to fight,
I recognize that you could hurt or destroy
me. Teach me what I have to learn."
This is the place where our worst enemies
have the potential of becoming our best teachers.
The problem is that we so often forget, we are hardwired
to forget.
And we turn our opponents sadly into things.
The Jewish philosopher Martin Buber after the Holocaust
talked of this terrible propensity of turning our opponents into things
We forget that they have value.
and that each of our opponents hold the missing
information that we need to resolve the conflict.
They are a Thou as we see in that opening bow.
Yet, the legacy is so long when we forget.
When we turn our opponents into things
we run into situations that only live with us but
with those who follow us. So how many
generations as an example for a family to
overcome physical and sexual abuse?
When do we as a species stop and recover from
slavery, the Holocaust and other forms of genocide?
And there are the times where we take other species
and we turn them into evil awful things that
we need to eliminate. And as we've heard and as we know
that legacy is long as well.
We need to remember the Thou.
Because conflict is calling us to our best.
I continue to be attracted to working with people in conflict
which seems kind of strange but you know I get
to see people shine.
I get to see, just as the Zen saying provides, that
"An unencumbered stream has no song."
Sure, I get to see people at their
absolute worst. If you've seen me in conflict
you've sometimes seen me at my
absolute worst, but I also get to see people sing.
I get to hear from a young Bahraini woman
who was a student of mine, how she held calm
how she held gratitude when the police came to take her
away for questioning at 2:30 in the morning.
Her family was screaming and crying but held calm
and she made it through unscathed and
the charge? That she had posted on Facebook that she wanted peace and justice in Bahrain.
She is now safely in another country studying.
I also get to see a man in his 70's
who participated in a series of contentious conversations about homosexuality and
its place in their church. And he said to me,
"Deidre, all my life I have never considered what it would be feel like not to be welcome.
I had never put my feet into my gay parishioners shoes. This conflict changed me."
So conflict creates our hero's tests.
It creates those life defining moments where we
like the encumbered stream
can sing our proudest souls' anthems.
Plato once said,
"I exhort you also to take part in the
great conflict, which is the conflict of life."
May we each meet each difficulty
and each opponent, each opponent,
with appreciation and may we engage well.
Life brings struggles,
may we celebrate those struggles and shine. Thank you very much.