here are true facts about the cuttlefish
the cuttlefish is not a fish
it is a mollusk of the class cephalopod
are the cuttlefish is a bit like a clam
that millions of years ago came out of
its shell and never went back in fact it
still has a specialised shell but on its
inside which is used for buoyancy and is
called the cuttlebone people for a long
time have used this shell to carve casts
for metal jewelry these people are
called cuddle boners by me and now by
you to move through the ocean the
cuttlefish has a wavy wavy fin that
surrounds its mantle it also has a
siphon a muscular tube it can squirt
water out of for fast propulsion imagine
trying to move by vomiting out of a
giant straw and flapping your skirt
around very very fast that is how a
cuttlefish do the cuttlefish brain is
larger than its entire body including
its brain which may not make sense but
it does to the cuttlefish because it has
a very large brain the cuttlefish has a
very advanced AI roughly in the shape of
Charlie Brown's mouth when he misses a
football or perhaps a W that someone
wrote when they were drunk or the letter
Q that someone wrote when they were
really drunk despite its big brain and
weird eyes the cuttlefish is colorblind
which is curious because it is a color
magician of the deep like a
lactose-intolerant cheese maker the
cuttlefish is unaware of its own gifts
with the help of millions of color
changing things in its skin it can
change color and texture almost
instantaneously playing hide-and-seek
with a cuttlefish sucks they don't move
they just change color you can hear them
breathing while you count how the
cuttlefish determines the backgrounds it
blends into is largely a mystery because
it can do it in complete darkness which
is kind of a dumb gift if you ask me but
still amazing
fish then there's the flamboyant
cuttlefish which doesn't try to blend in
which it just says why doesn't the world
try to blend in with me you go little
man don't go changing for nobody when it
is threatened the cuttlefish will often
release ink from its ink sack the
cuttlefish releases that ink in one of
two ways one is a little proofing sort
of squirt something you might say excuse
me after the second is a release of both
ink and mucus more of a throw your
underwear out and go home early sort of
inking these are called pseudo morphs
and are designed to be decoys for the
cuttlefish as it escapes the cuttlefish
feeds by extending to hidden feeding
tentacles which it uses to snag prey and
pull it back towards its poison beak
what well apparently it has a beak very
slowly it extends a vicious had to move
like two inches
cuttlefish mating begins when the male
delicately grabs the female by the face
and inserts another specialized tentacle
into an opening near her mouth which I
hope is not her nose and insert sperm
sacs males have four pairs of arms and
females have three weaker males often
disguise themselves as females by hiding
two of their arms this reminds me of
what I may or may not have done in the
mirror as a young boy these cleverly
disguised males swim right past the
competition and do the face sex thing
after the female eggs are fertilized she
gingerly and lovingly puts her eggs in
some random frigging hole on the bottom
of the ocean the eggs are called sea
grapes by people who like DeWine and
they are guarded by the couple until
they hatch into the cutest little freaks
in the universe these little babies are
not so good at the camouflage but they
do the best that they can cover yourself
up little man
and sleep tight
remember if you ever want to come out of
your shell and let your freak flag fly
the cuttlefish has your back or front I
don't know I can't tell with them with
what's front and what's back point is
don't let the tentacle parts wrap around
your head or wonder if it happens plug
your nose because you nose might get
pregnant