- It is very cool being from California, by the way.
- [Audience Member] Woo.
- Okay, thank you.
You know, it's cool because they named
the most luxurious bed after us.
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry, I fucking love this place.
But nobody wants to sleeping in New York King.
(audience laughs) Okay?
That just sounds like a bunch of rats
that got tangled up.
That's not- (audience laughs)
That's scary, it's not comfortable.
(upbeat music)
I had a really big birthday during the lockdown.
I accidentally turned 40.
(audience cheers) Thanks.
Oh my God, thank you.
They might actually edit that out
because I think it's illegal to say on Comedy Central but-
(audience laughs)
If you're a woman but- (audience laughs)
I turned 40, I feel pretty good about it.
I don't, I dunno, it's going fine.
I always wanted to be 40 when I was a kid.
Truly like I thought, you know,
when you were an adult that like if you turned 40
like all your dreams had come true
and you're living your best life.
And then in the middle of 2020
I was telling jokes in parking lots
and selling pictures of my feet online.
(audience laughs)
Not the birthday of my dreams.
If sometimes people think I'm younger
I don't mean to assume, but if that was you, like thank you.
But I don't have any fucking skincare tips for you.
I drink a ton of water and I don't have kids
and I've never been awake in the morning before.
(Amy and audience laughs)
So, very good for your skin.
Oh, I should mention this.
I am a plus size person.
Thank you.
And no, a lot of you knew that.
(audience laughs) But like, I have to say it
in case anybody is visiting from the Midwest.
(audience laughs)
Wow, am I skinny there.
Oh man.
But here in Los Angeles where I live,
I'm Mama June, okay? (audience laughs)
I'm the largest woman in Los Angeles
and I fucking love it.
I love it.
And people will be like,
"Isn't it hard to be plus size in Hollywood?"
I'm like, "No, this is the best place to do it
because everything I do here is brave."
(audience laughs)
Do you understand?
People are like EMTs and firefighters.
Like, I went swimming nine times last summer
and put it on Instagram.
And people are like, "Oh, look how brave.
(audience laughs)
She's an American hero.
Two piece and everything, wow."
My Instagram's just amymillercomedy,
if you wanna check out those pictures, okay.
Lot of meat, get your sauce ready
you know what I'm saying?
I've had a hard adjustment
getting back into regular life
after being trapped inside for so many months
because fuck bras, okay?
(audience cheers) And you're already-
You've been saying no your whole life
(audience cheers) and I really appreciate that.
Because fuck bra's,
remember when we were just like at home swinging?
(audience laughs)
Just slapping around all day?
Sir, you looked so wistful when I said that.
Do you live- (audience laughs)
Do you live with someone with titties?
(Amy and audience laughs)
Did you visit some people with titties?
(audience laughs)
Weren't those pandemic fucks fun when you're like,
"I'm not supposed to be here."
(Amy and audience laughs)
And we were like,
"I'm not putting on real clothes or makeup."
(audience laughs)
By the way, that is how you would know my true age is,
if I took this bra off. (audience laughs)
you'd be like, "Oh 1980, yeah." (Amy and audience laughs)
"Those are Reagan titties for sure."
(Amy and audience laughs)
Couple of trickle down tits, you know.
(Amy and audience laughs)
I used to care too,
I used to be so concerned, like in my 20-
This is the beauty of aging
like in my twenties, I was like,
"Oh no, my titties are gonna age
and they're gonna change and people won't like 'em anymore."
'Cause I got big ones because God is good.
But- (audience laughs)
Listen, all titties are beautiful,
but God is also just, okay.
So God was like,
"I mean you can have the big ones but it's gonna cost you."
And I was like, "What?"
And God was like, "No lips."
And I'm like, "Okay."
(audience laughs) Rude.
I love doing this job.
I've had so many jobs that I did not like.
Like right now I'm a full-time comedian in LA
so I'm a dog walker. (audience cheers)
Yeah, I'm a dog walker.
And what a business.
And I love it.
I love dogs.
You know, I think they're very good boys and good girls.
However they identify it's not for me to decide.
(audience laughs)
I love dogs,
but I used to be that person that was like,
"There are no bad dogs," right?
There's just bad owners
and dogs that have been through trauma, right?
Clap if you think there are no inherently bad doggies.
(audience claps)
Okay, well you have not fucking met Truffles.
(audience laughs)
Truffles is a doberman that lives in Beverly Hills
and I don't give a shit who hurt him,
he's making poor choices.
(audience laughs)
Truffles also also took four craps in 30 minutes.
(audience laughs)
Yep, four craps.
And they're doberman craps, you know,
so it's like mostly the bones of missing dogs.
(Amy and audience laughs)
By the way I'm saying I mostly date straight men.
I was in a long relationship with one,
but like I don't know classically, historically.
Like I've been with a lot of women.
I had a girlfriend.
- [Audience Member] Woo.
- Oh yeah, thanks.
No, I, yeah, you don't have to woo.
(audience laughs)
Let me tell you why.
(Amy and audience laughs)
Because I don't openly identify as Bi
and I'm not ever truly sure why.
I think maybe I aged out.
It's an interesting time and I think it's hilarious
when people are like, "Everybody's fucking Bi now."
I'm like, "No, actually a lot of people have always been Bi
but now some people are more comfortable saying it."
But I don't like to say it a lot
because I don't want you to mistake me
for another white lady who wants to be a diversity hire now.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Thank you (indistinct)
because I knew they wouldn't like that joke here.
(audience laughs)
Because it's fucking true.
I worked in the service industry for a long time.
Has anybody waited tables working in the service industry?
(audience woos) Yes.
Thank you for your service, oh my God.
That's so dumb.
I was a waitress for like 15 years
and the day that I had finally had it,
I was waiting on this vegan man.
And listen, I know what neighborhood I'm in right now.
Like, I'm not here to disparage vegans, okay?
Like I respect you.
I think you're very noble.
I just think that maybe
you should have your own restaurants, okay.
And drinking fountains, probably.
(audience laughs)
Terrible people to wait on.
This vegan dude came into a diner where I worked
and he ordered himself a bowl of vegan chili.
And I was like,
"Oh shit, we got a hungry boy on our hands."
I put the order in correctly.
Okay, this happens.
Okay, this happens all the time.
Person bringing the food just made a little mistake
and brought this bowl due to a bowl of beef chili, right?
And he took three bites.
And I know that because he fucking told me.
And he was like, "I took three bites of this."
And I was like, "That's interesting
because you know that you don't eat meat.
You know it tastes weird under your little mustache, Kevin.
Why did you ever take a second bite
you fucking tug job."
Anyway, this vegan tug job was so mad about the chili.
(audience laughs)
The way he decided to deal with it
was by picking up a full pint glass of beer
and throwing it at my face.
(audience aweing)
I know.
I could not believe he had the arm strength.
(audience laughs)
I was really far away.
And then my manager Doug comes up to me.
Oh my god, do you guys know Doug?
Oh, you have a Doug in your life.
Douglas, Douggie, Doug.
Seems like more of you would know a Doug
because Doug is the number one name
for all mid-level restaurant managers.
(audience laughs)
Doug gets in my face and he's so mad and he was like,
"What did you do to that guy
that made him throw the glass at you?"
I was like, "You know what Doug?
This job fucking sucks, okay.
And I'm only gonna do it for like seven more years."
(audience laughs)
This is what I find interesting
about like very tall men.
Like do you all have that like one straight lady friend
who only dates super tall dudes and she's like,
"I don't know, I just like to feel safe."
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Bitch, why are you always in danger?
Are you talking shit?"
(Amy and audience laughs)
That's always who it is
is some like mouthy little girl who's like,
"I just like to have a large man to hide behind
after I fucking throw a glass at somebody."
(audience laughs)
"I hate accountability."
(audience laughs)
Also, I'm sorry,
but the safety argument is just not there.
There's no logic to it.
Like, you know why,
we know who murders us.
Our boyfriends and husbands. (Amy chuckles)
Why do you want a bigger, taller, stronger man?
Are you trying to die faster, bitch?
(audience laughs)
I'm looking for weak little arms, okay.
(audience laughs)
Spindly fingers, all right? (audience laughs)
Preferably no fucking hands,
you're not gonna choke me out.
(audience laughs)
I wanna live.
I'm tired a lot of the time.
I have a lifelong struggle with insomnia.
Has anybody else not slept a full night since Reagan?
Cool.
Sometimes I tell people I have insomnia
and they're really surprised.
Y'all be like, "I don't know Amy.
I just wouldn't think that you would have trouble sleeping."
I'm like, "Holy shit, did you just confuse
chubby with sleepy?" (audience laughs)
Because I'm not a baby bear cub, okay?
I'm a human lady and I'm very tired of your shit.
And then when you have insomnia,
everybody has a tip, right?
People will be like,
"Well you can't sleep at night
because you look at screens and you drink."
Mike, I couldn't sleep through the night as a child.
iPhones did not exist yet
and I was drinking a really reasonable amount back then.
(audience laughs)
I don't even trust people that sleep well.
I don't.
It's so foreign to me that some of you
just like close your eyes at night
and then see your life again eight hours later.
(audience laughs)
Do you know the kind of shit
I could do to you in eight hours?
All right, well I stole that joke from Bill Cosby so-
(audience laughs)