What is the stupidest thing that ever came out of your mouth?
Her: the twins are 3 years old
Me: Both of them?
When the cashier said "Have a nice day", and I replied with "No, thanks".
Background: I wasnt thinking straight that day, and thought they said "Do you want a bag"
Chatting to a homeless guy on the street and he told me he was feeling unwell.
I told him he should be at home, resting.
It’s been 20 years and the memory of it still brings me out in a cold sweat.
Asked my friend how his mom was doing at his moms funeral.
Watching the documentary ‘The Last Dance’ when a Kobe interview pops up -
Me: “Wow, they must have filmed this before Kobe died.”
My wife: “Yeah, obviously….”
In my freshman year of college I was dorming next door to a couple cute girls.
About a week into the first semester one girl walked from the coed showers to her dorm room in her towel still wet.
We were both unlocking our doors to get in our rooms when she looks at me and says…
“I know I look stunning…(sarcastically)”
To which I replied, “don’t flatter yourself.”
I had to slid a note under her door explaining I was tongue tied as she was beautiful and I meant to say “don’t be hard on yourself, you look great.” (Or something to that nature).
We
became good friends.
A couple of months ago, I got up and drove to work as usual.
Later, my girlfriend texted me from home to ask me if she had left her sunglasses in my car.
I told her I wasn't sure, but she could grab my spare key and go check.
In my car.
Which I had driven to work.
In my head I was wondering what one pound of water would look like in terms of volume.
What I said out loud however was "How much does a pound of water weigh?"
Girl I was interested in gave me her number out of the blue, I asked:
"Why?"
I was about 4 months into my current job, feeling confident being fresh off the contract-to-hire period, now moved into a coveted full time role.
While walking back to my office from the morning kanban I was stopped by my boss, head peeking out of the office:
Boss: "Hey TheMediator, do you have a sec?"
Me: "For you, I've got lots of secs!"
Boss: wide-eyes, mouth dropped
If you're curious why this was incredibly stupid/embarrassing, try saying the phrase "lots of secs" out loud.
Preferably, not to
your boss though.
It was my birthday and it was getting cold outside so I announced to everyone that I was going inside to put on "long sleeve pants".
Probably the time I was on my honeymoon in Hawaii when I asked my new husband why there wasn't a bridge to Hawaii.
Me: I mean, if there can be a bridge to Alaska, why cant there be a bridge to Hawaii?
Husband: There's not a bridge to Alaska though?
Me: Then how do people drive there?
Husband: ...Canada.
Canada is the bridge.
Still just about die of embarrassment every time I think about that one.
When our cat was having kittens, a friend was petting one of them and I said: "Ya' know, her mum's also a cat."
"I don't understand why people place bets on who wins, why not just place bets on who loses?"
Yeah took me a minute to register what I said...
Edit: I honestly didn't expect this to blow up.
The bet was just a simple football (soccer) bet for who would win the match.
One team was favourite so the odds weren't great and that's when I said what I said.
By picking a winner, I am picking a loser too.
I hope that helps clear up any confusion.
I was wondering why they had shut the gate at my kids school and I looked around and saw heaps of crows and I said to another parent " probably shut the gates the keep the crows out "
😳🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ as soon as it left my mouth I remembered they can fly... the other parent lost it laughing and I wanted the floor to swallow me up
Me chatting with a stunningly cute girl I met at a university party 20 years ago:
Her: I have hemophilia.
Me: Oh cool, so do you know on some level that you're not really sick?
Her: That's hypochondria.
Me: Oh...yeah.
That's right....Ok bye.
quickly leaves the party in quiet shame
Me when I was 10 something years old.
" Mom, did you take showers without water in your time"
Edit: Thanks for the upvotes
This just happened an hour ago.
I'm in this cafe to leave a bunch of flyers I made.
As I'm leaving, the waitress tells me she likes my perfume.
Normally, I'd pick up on this as sort of a chat-up line and politely diffuse, but because of COVID and a recent breakup, I'm just not in that mindset at all, so I just blurt out "Yeah, I put on extra because I didn't shower today.
And I sweat a lot."
Like, I can't even beep cringe at myself, I'm so horrified.
Even if she was just being nice, I'm now a weird story she can tell her friends.
I'm such a beep moron.
Edit: Oh yeah, I completely forgot to say what she was responded.
So after I said that, she hesitantly said "It.. it was a
compliment" and we were wearing masks, so I can't be completely sure, but I think she smirked.
She definitely smirked with her eyes.
Again: complete beep moron.
"but what about the duck's back legs?"
I didn't even immediately rethink it when my friend just stared at me.
"What month is April in?"
I hadn't slept in a couple days and was trying to figure out what the date was.
I was discussing my husband’s experience with a childhood urinary tract infection (we’re both medical, so not that weird) and I asked if he was circumcised.
Husband.
When I explained to my dad that “My boyfriend really like BJs.” While they were both sitting there meeting each other for the first time.
BJs is a restaurant chain where I live…
Once a friend was taking a graphic design class.
They asked me for my opinion on a project they was doing, they had to re design road signs.
They asked me if they should have a hand ✋ on the sign or the words ''Stop''
I said "You should have the words stop because blind people can't see the hand!"
They then looked at me and asked "You know blind people won't be able to read stop either?"
I thought blind people could somehow read letters like a normal person, but couldn't see anything else.
While out for a walk I admired a cute dog.
I wanted to ask what breed it was but my brain wasn’t working.
Instead I asked “What brand is your dog?” which startled the owner, and myself.
My attempt at correcting myself resulted in me blurting out “Species!” which only made matters worse.
Did a meet and greet with a musician at a concert and said “You’re a huge fan of mine”.
awkward silence
ETA: was going for “I’m a really big fan of yours”
Edit #2: thanks for the awards, you kind strangers!
I said okay, after a girl was breaking up with me, not realising what happend.
Many years ago I texted my cousin "I can't find my phone anywhere" (the same phone I was texting him on)
I got off a red-eye, very sleep-deprived, and realized I forgot my glasses on the plane.
I asked the very kind gate agent if she could go check my seat to see if she could find them.
While she was gone, I touched my face and felt my glasses.
I was mortified and apologized profusely when she returned.
She was really nice about it though.
I’ve stopped myself multiple times from asking my parents “how old was I when I was born?” I just have an urge to ask that sometimes.
I'm a paper conservator by trade and when driving through the New Forest (UK) recently to go hiking with friends, I realised that a village we were passing through was once the site of some famously beautiful trees that had featured in a print I had conserved years before.
I didn't say that, however...
What I instead proclaimed as we drove through The Literal beep New FOREST was - "Guys!
Did you know...around here...there were once...
trees...?"
Edit: spelling
Pulled up at Hungry Jacks drive thru, ordered nuggets and a McFluffy.
Hysterical laughter over speaker,"Ma'am it's a McFlurry, and this is Hungry Jacks".
My teenagers still bring it up.
beep what is my name again
“Do they speak Spanish in Spain?”
When I was getting my COVID vaccine I asked what shape the needle was.
Me last Friday after a long terrible day, trying to return an item.
Cashier: I’m gonna need your name
Me: no thanks
Asking a lady when the baby was due when she wasn't pregnant.
Never ever did that again...
Edit: LOL figures my most upvoted comment is for something really stupid I did..
Thanks folks..
High school quiz bowl (basically team Jeopardy)…
“Nine letter word for said forcefully or excitedly”
Me: “Ejaculated”
It was exclaimed.
Ejaculated has 10 letters and while technically could have otherwise been correct (e.g.
the “Snape!”, ejaculated Slughorn meme) that nuance was lost on a room full of high school kids.
When my ex girlfriend ask me if I could imagine a future with her and I said "No."
It was cloudy enough that I could see the shape of the sun behind the clouds.
I, beep you not, looked at my husband and said "Oh, I didn't know there would be a full sun today..."
Like a full moon....but the sun.
The look my husband gave me had me reconsidering that Master's Degree I have.
Dentist asked me for my date of birth.
I told them my full name instead...
"This ice is cold"
When I was living up in Fairbanks, I was out driving with my parents one day.
There was a truck in front of us that had a decal on the back window.
It had the word "Home" written, except that the "o" was replaced with an outline of the state of Alaska.
My dad says, "oh, that's cute.
They replaced the 'o' in 'home' with Alaska."
My response: "Thanks for explaining that, because I had no idea what 'Halaskame' meant."
A penny.
When I was a child I shoved a penny so far up my nose that they had to take it out through my mouth with dental tools.
something along the lines of “okay, i’ll download league of legends”
biggest mistake of my life
edit: for those wondering why, i showed basic human courtesy and got put at the top 10% of nicest players in game; this was said by the game.
I was a cashier about a year ago and I had to unlock the bathroom for people when they needed to go, so anyways, I unlock the bathroom for this guy and he says thanks and I replied “have a good one”.
That’s what I always said when people left, after they bought something, not when they’re going to beep I hated that job.
During my Supermarket days, somebody asked me where the toilets were, I replied "we don't sell toilets".
I still cringe.
‘Where is my phone?’ while holding my phone.
I was getting a haircut and I told my barber I was going to a friends birthday party later.
As I was leaving, he told me to have fun at the party and my dumb ass replied with “you too”.
I will never forget the look of confusion on his face.
I was like 18 or 19 and still thought the term "rabid dog" was "rabbit dog" and I said that out loud in a car with my friends.
I still remember the exact location we were driving by when it came out of my mouth because I felt so stupid.
One of the many that I can actaully remember because my husband will never let me live it down was being at a farmers market and reading a hand written sign out loud that said PaPaYa and then asking my husband what it was.
It's papaya he replied.
not me but my wife came out with a classic the other day.
for a bit of backstory, a large carpark near our appartment had teenagers doing wheelspins and doughnuts on there on saturday night right into the early hours.
my wife somehow slept through it but it was a right racket, i and some neighbours even called the police it was that bad but they never bothered to come by.
anyway, i was talking about it to my wife the next day and it went something like this.
me: there were a load of idiots doing doughnuts and wheelspins in the carpark last night, i even called the police it was that bad.
her: thats terrible, and such a waste of doughnuts too.
why buy them just to throw them at eachother?
me: laughs, thinking shes joking
wife: do you get what i mean though?
they could have just eaten them instead.
me: do you honestly not know what a car doughnut is?
wife: no?
i cracked up.
but she honestly had no idea what a car doughnut was, she thought i said they were throwing doughnuts lol.
Back in the day of landline phones.
"Hello?"
"Hi.
Is this ?"
"No.
This is ."
"Hi .
Can-"
"Oh wait!
I meant this is ."
"... IS YOUR MOM HOME??!!"
I was probably 16 or 17 at the time.
I used to swear that pigs can’t walk backwards.
I’d heard it somewhere when I was little and it made sense as to why they’re associated with New Year- they only move forwards.
I apologise to all the people I passed this ridiculousness onto over my life.
Edit: love that my highest upvoted anything is about how dumb I am.
I worked in politics in the early to mid 2000s.
I'm in DC we were going to the White House for a photoshoot with the POTUS and some legislators.
I was one of a few folks taking the pics for the people from my state.
I walk up to a gate (not necessarily the right one) and a uniformed secret service offficer with an automatic weapon and ask "where's the oval office I'm suppose to shoot the president?"
He cocks his head to the side....and I'm immediately like "that was a really stupid way to ask that questions wasn't it?"
He dead pan said yep and you couldn't see it even if I told you.
I
explained I was supposed to enter on a certain side and I was trying to Figure out where.
He made a gesture in a direction.
I thanked him apologized again and walked away.
I hear him laughing behind me as he radioed the other gate.
I got to the proper gate and the agent looks at me and says "well you must be our shooter" and snickers.
I replayed that in my head a 100x over
I was student teaching and discussing my weekend plans to visit my cousin.
One teacher said “oh, you’re visiting your cousin?
I thought you said you were going to visit your boyfriend.” In an attempt to gloss over his mistake and communicate the sentiment of “no worries,” I instead shrugged and for some reason said “same thing.”
I was giving a presentation about my club in high school, and at the end I wanted to invite people to come visit us, so I went to say “stop by” or “say hi” but instead I managed to tell about 100 high schoolers to “stay high”
Didn’t know why everyone laughed till my friend told me what I said later…
My neighbor was leaving for a funeral.
A close family member had committed suicide by hanging.
We talked for a bit.
I gave her my condolences.
Then as she was leaving I said “Hang in there”.
🤦🏻‍♀️
In a moment of drunkenness, my boss once told me that he had platinum status at Hilton Hotels.
I responded that I had platinum status at Planned Parenthood.
Reading some ingredients and all the allergens were in capitals.
I loudly asked "What's E G G?"
Just out of the top of my head, last week or so I said, "is the brain a part of your body?"
Little me, talking about a baby dinosaur fossil: "It would've lived longer if it hadn't died."
I meant that their lifespan was a lot longer but...
I once said that Homer Simpson wrote the odyssey
“Let’s join Reddit”
Mucus flew out when on stage.
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