-Hey, everybody, welcome to Corrections, week of May 17th,
you might have noticed we're trying a different title card
this week where it will just say "Extra."
And we'll see how that plays for everybody.
We tried Digital Exclusive, we've tried Online Exclusive,
and we're just again --
We invite your feedback or we would invite it
if we thought that you were waiting for an invitation.
[ Laughter ]
Also, let's get started.
Last week I tried to land exactly at the time,
the length that I said I would, when we started.
I said 11 minutes 28 seconds.
It ended up being 11 minutes 38 seconds.
I am going to try again.
I think I'm going to try to be a little bit looser,
try to be less precise and give myself a window to hit.
And again, this is me looking down my list
coming up with how long it will be
and trying to get in that window.
So I think based on what I'm looking at
tonight corrections will be 13 minutes and 40 seconds,
plus or minus 10 seconds. Okay.
Yesterday in A Closer Look,
we talked about the fact that everybody was watching
during the January 6th insurrection.
It was one of those events that all America was tuned into,
like the O.J. trial or the Apollo 13 landing.
People were up in arms.
They said there was no Apollo 13 landing
because it never got to the moon.
But, you know, it did land. Just in the water.
I know what happened.
That's the part that hurts my feelings.
I saw the movie "Apollo 13," I didn't like leave early.
I don't think the famous line is "Houston, it all went
according to plan." Send Ed Harris home.
And I know we could have said instead of landing,
we could have said the Apollo 13 reentry or splashdown,
I'm not, I think it's very rude to say about astronauts --
to use a term like splashdown that sounds like
a Six Flags ride, I'm not going to do that.
But again, if you think if you're watching this,
you don't believe what I'm saying right now
and you think that I thought Apollo 13 landed on the moon,
you got to stop watching the show.
Oh, we talked about we showed some clips from ITV
and then we, as an ITV announcer introduced said
"Stay tuned for the shows 'Mock the Week' and 'Taskmasters.'"
And it was pointed out that "Mock the Week" is on BBC
and "Taskmasters" is on Channel 4.
So an ITV announcer would not introduce those shows,
but we love those shows and we wanted to give them a shout out.
And so that's not that's not a mistake.
That's a we took a liberty.
And for our British viewers who were upset by that,
in America, liberty is more than just a word.
[ Laughter ]
And if you understood that, we wouldn't have had to leave.
Also, people said you keep calling it "Taskmasters,"
it's "Task Master."
And I understand that in England, its "Task Master."
But here it's "Taskmasters" because sometimes people
just put an S on the end of a word like you do with "Maths."
I did a I talked about the word psych last week
and said that I was like, "I am, I am a puppet master."
And people said, "That's a marionette."
Okay. [ Laughter ]
Also, someone said I was doing Werner Herzog,
that was not [Accent] this was not
that is not Werner -- [Normal voice] that's not.
Werner Herzog would be like, [ As Herzog ] "Corrections"
is a massive waste of time.
It is foolhardy because to be imperfect is to be human.
Any effort to erase all error is to lose one's soul.
With that said, I would have said splashdown.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] We had a photo of an alligator
smoking a vape pen, I am aware last week
we had to do a correction about a different joke
that was a cockroach smoking a cigarette,
and to that I'll just say we like what we like.
So we had an alligator smoking a vape pen
and a couple of people said that's a photo of a crocodile.
Yes, but here's the thing.
When we do these photo shoots, we have found
that the crocodiles are easier.
A crocodile just comes in and does exactly
what you ask it,
we're just like "We just want you to smoke the vape pan"
and they're just they do it and they're like, "Is that good?"
And you go, "Yeah, you want to just do a fun one for yourself?"
And they're like, and, and they're just like in and out.
Alligators -- And again, this is most
I'm not being specific to all alligators,
but the ones that we deal with in our industry
have a ton of questions.
They just show up and they're like
"How do you want me to do that?"
And you're like "Just smoke it the way you'd smoke a vape pen."
And they're like they always are like,
"Okay," like it's crazy. And they'll always say,
like, "Why is this supposed to be funny?"
And it's like, it wears us down.
So we have found it's easier to just use a crocodile.
Like sometimes they'll shoot Toronto for New York.
We do that with crocodiles and alligators.
And Lloyd, our photographer, is the one who's asked.
Then we stop using crocodiles.
He said, [As Lloyd] "I nae like 'em."
[ Laughter ]
I dinnae want to work with 'em.
[ Normal voice ] He's from Scotland
and that's how he sounds.
[ Laughter ]
Um.
We talked about some legal troubles people
been haddin -- been having excuse me
and said that they pleaded guilty
and a lot of people said they pled guilty.
You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong.
We all want it to be pled guilty.
That's not what it is. It's pleaded okay.
I don't care how you do it.
If you want to say plead, that's fine.
You want to say pled. Excuse me. That's fine.
I'm certainly not going to go in your YouTube page
and leave a comment because that's not who I am.
It's who you are.
But it's pleaded guilty, right, Baze?
-Yeah. -Yeah, it's pleaded guilty.
I know we want it to be pled guilty. It's not that.
And if you want it to be that, stay out of my mentions.
[ Laughter ]
Because if you're gonna stick with it
after I'm telling you you're wrong,
then the only thing I have to say to you is
Amber, permission to say "Bye, Felicia?"
-Permission granted. -Bye, Felicia.
[ Laughter ]
It was pointed out to me that I often say during these
that something is the definition of, for example,
that's the definition of unfair,
when what I want to say is that's the epitome of unfair.
Like an example like "to call that out."
Is the epitome of pedantic.
We referred to the QAnon Shaman as a QAnon Viking,
and a lot of people pointed out he's a shaman.
And. I apologize.
Just because someone storms the Capitol during an insurrection,
does not give me the right, to get their costume wrong.
When -- my wife and I were talking about this
because we kind of agreed on Santa.
Like, we wouldn't pretend once our kids figured it out,
we wouldn't keep pretending that Santa is real, but like,
when do you tell your kids QAnon's not real?
[ Laughter ]
Because it's, like, helpful, you know.
Like when they don't want to do stuff,
we're like, "Alright. But just so you know,
we'll call off we're going to call off Q then.
And there's going to be a cabal of devil worshiping pedophiles
wandering around.
Eat your beans.
[ Laughter ]
I've talked a little bit on this show
about Mike Shoemaker, our producer,
who calls himself "Mikey the Shoe,"
and one of the things he says,
anyone here can attest, is he will say --
when you approach him with anything --
[As Shoemaker] "I'm not afraid of nobody!"
[ Normal voice ] Bunch of people said to me,
"That's a double negative." I didn't say it, right.
I'd want you to understand that when I'm telling you
what he said, it's a direct quote.
So now you're giving me a correction
that then I have to go tell him.
Like one of the most aggressive, irascible people.
And I don't -- part of me was like, "Just leave it alone."
Right. That is not the the remit of corrections
is not to go fix everybody. It's to fix me.
But I thought, "Alright, you know what, I'll try it."
On behalf of the people that took the time
to write that in, I'll go.
So I go to his office and I say,
"Shoemaker." And again, his other catchphrase,
"Who's askin'?" So I'm like,
you know my voice, bud, you know my voice.
So I come in and I explain to him,
When you say "I'm not afraid of nobody,"
that's a double negative.
And he goes, "What are you talking about?"
I say what basically what you're saying is,
"I'm afraid of everybody." And he said,
"What if that's what I meant?"
And I go, "What?"
And he said, "Word's Mikey the Shoe
ain't as tough as he lets on."
"What if I'm putting on a bit of a show,
with this tough exterior?"
And I said, "How would I know?
Is that true?" He goes, "Yeah.
Been true the whole time, I known you."
I was like, "Why didn't you tell me?"
And he goes, "You never asked."
So, guys, I mean. I feel terrible, right?
And I say, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
He said, "How about a hug?"
Now.
In July, I will have worked.
With Shoemaker for 20 years. And in that time.
We've never had any physical contact.
I remember, like, even when you go to shake his hand,
he's just like.
And so he asked me for a hug, you know, and, um.
I would not be where I am today without him.
And so I go over and I give him a hug,
and the minute I do, he just knees me in the balls
and I hit the ground and he goes, "Oh, what happened?"
I said, "What happened? You need me in the balls."
And he goes, "Did I get both of them?"
I said, "Yeah, you got both of them.
And he goes, "That's a double negative."
[ Laughter ]
Cut the feed.