-
that just blew my mind?
She could put her hair behind her ear.
That just...
Oh, my God!
[dark electronic music]
♪
[man roars]
[both snarling]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[man grunting]
[gunshots]
[dark electronic music]
[zombie growls]
[gun cocks]
[zombie growls]
[gunshot]
♪
-
I'm so lucky to have him here.
You guys are gonna love him.
Please give it up for Lavell Crawford, everybody.
Let him hear it.
♪
- Hell yeah, I'll tell you a story about me drowning.
Uh, yes, I drowned. I literally drowned.
And the audience is like, "Wow, that's amazing,
"you being so large and buoyant.
You--how would you drown?"
Well, it was-- it was when I was smaller,
if you can believe it.
I was a little younger. I was a kid.
I was in this day camp at this little day care
where, you know, they-- my mom, it was free,
so she put me in the day care.
We up there with these little stupid-ass kids,
and we was like 11 and 12, so he was--
I used to beat them up
and take the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, you know,
and our counselor, she was, you know,
she was--she smoked weed.
She was a-- she was a whore.
You know what I'm saying?
She was nasty, and she didn't know what to do with us.
We didn't have no arts and crafts or nothing.
She didn't do shit with us.
We just hung out, playing--
making up our own games, man--
"Kiss me, you can finger me."
You know, them little--
And that got old after a while
and they ran out of hand soap,
so that--that--
that wasn't gonna be a fun night, you know.
You know, but I-- when I--
And this--this day camp was in a, uh,
you know, predominantly, you know,
suburb--may I say, you know,
like it is in here, more whites than blacks,
you know, and-- and I used to live in the hood,
you know, and when I got around white people,
there was a lot of things that was different.
White people have season passes to Six Flags,
and they could go a bunch of times.
But the main thing was the white girls.
That threw me for a loop.
I had never seen a white girl before.
I had never seen nobody named Rebecca or Samantha
or Elizabeth, you know?
I--I was around Lakeeshas and Sharondas.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, Chiquita, you know, that was my girls,
and when I seen Elizabeth, man, oh, my God.
She was cute, she had red hair,
and her cheeks were, like, rosy like a cartoon,
like Charlie Brown, you know.
Little Charlie Brown girl you had a crush on back in the day.
Her cheeks was red.
And one thing a white girl could do
that just blew my mind?
She could put her hair behind her ear.
That just...
Oh, my God!
That was so sexy to me!
I was like, holy shit!
Do that again, Elizabeth.
She's like, "What are you talking about?"
Oh, man, I was--
I'd break out in a cold sweat. I could--
I was in love with her from--
from that day on.
I followed her everywhere.
"Please put your hair behind your ears for me.
Just for the day."
"Lavell, I'm sick of doing this for you."
Oh!
And--and this little-- little girl
that was from my neighborhood, her name was Shakeesha.
She couldn't stand me 'cause she loved me.
She was--had a crush on me,
but she was mad 'cause I liked Elizabeth.
She went to the day camp too.
"Why you like that little ugly white girl?
Why you like that ugly white girl?"
I said "First of all, watch your damn mouth
"around my white woman, all right?
"You're being highly disrespectful.
"Second of all, Shakeesha,
can you put your hair behind your ear? Huh?"
She said, "Yeah, I can."
She tried, and it popped out,
and she tried again, it popped out.
I said, "I ain't got no more fucking time for you,
all right?"
She said, "Let me get some hair oil."
Fuck that, I ain't got no time!
If you can't do it on your own, you don't
need to do it at all.
So, one--you know, one day, we was at day camp,
and we was trying to--
we were supposed to go to a-- a--you know,
go do something with the counselor,
and she couldn't find out nothing to do,
but she wanted to see her boyfriend.
I heard her on the phone talking to him.
"I'm gonna come over, Robert.
"I'm gonna see if I can get away.
I'm gonna bring the kids over and let 'em go swimming."
I heard her say it, and I was like,
fuck it, I'll go swimming,
if you gonna take us swimming.
You know, kids love to swim, you know.
I don't--I couldn't swim. I'm black.
We don't swim. You know, black kids don't swim.
We learned later after one of our friends died,
we'd learn how to swim.
You know? And we--
This is black swimming: when we're at three feet,
we walking on the water, like,
whoa, look at me, I'm swimming, player!
We just go over and put our foot on the deep--
ooh, shit, I almost got in there!
And that's how-- that's how black--
that's how black pool parties are.
We don't go in the deep shit.
We jump off the diving board close to the side and get out.
If somebody try to push you, "Bitch, I'll fuck you up,
"if you push me again.
Stop playing. I just got my hair done."
But we--we don't-- we don't swim.
But I wanted to go, and she said, "Hey, guys,
"I'm gonna take you over to my apartment complex,
but you can't tell anybody where we're going."
'Cause she wasn't supposed to take us
away from, you know, the day care center.
We wasn't supposed to leave the premises,
but she doing some foul shit.
She said--we went over there.
She didn't even watch-- she watched us for five minutes.
We was unsupervised.
All these 11, 12 years old, all by ourself.
And it was cool 'cause I was trying
to get up on Beth anyway,
so, you know, we jump in the water.
I had on my little Aquaman, uh, swim shorts.
They tight up-- a little tight up in my crotch.
You know, I'm ready to get out there
and follow Beth around the pool.
She was cool as long was we was in, you know, three feet,
but Beth was trying to get away from me.
Apparently she wasn't as into me as I thought she was.
But I was like, "What's wrong, Beth?
"Come on, baby. Slow down.
Put your hair behind your ear and let's talk."
You know, and she kept going, "Leave me alone,"
and she just started floating, and I'm following her,
you know, and I'm mesmermized by her beauty, you know.
Her--the hair behind her ears just have me hip--
hypmatized, and I'm-- I'm following her
all the way over there, and then I noticed
that I wasn't paying attention.
I'm still walking under the water,
but the water over my damn nose.
But I kept walking with her.
Next thing you know, she took off like a feather.
Just floating across the water, 'cause she white.
They know how to swim.
She swam real well, like a damn mermaid.
And I went under the damn water.
I didn't know what-- I'm under the water.
Bloop! I'm sitting around like...
This is weird.
Why ain't I floating like Beth?
I don't know what I can do
to get up on the water like Beth,
and man, this is weird,
because I don't know why
I can't breathe now.
And I'm under there, "This is bullshit!"
I'm gonna... [sputtering].
And I didn't know what to do.
I was trying to get up,
but I couldn't get up, I couldn't get up.
Next thing you know, I've disappeared.
In my mind, I was gone,
and all I dreamed about is white women
just leaving me all over the place.
And when I woke up,
I'm laying on the side of the pool.
The camp counselor, she freaking out, like,
"Oh, shit, I'm gonna lose my fucking job."
Fuck me. Hell with me.
She didn't care if I was alive or not.
She worried about her job 'cause she wasn't even there.
She was over there, probably doing some ungodly shit
with her boyfriend,
smelling like marijuana.
And the paramedic's trying to give me mouth-to-mouth,
which, that woke me up, 'cause
you ain't gonna put your lips on me
and I don't know you.
I came through, and I threw up.
I had died--they said I was unconscious for ten minutes.
I was dead! I died!
And I'm sitting there, like, damn,
I--I died?
And Beth? Where is Beth?
Beth's stinking ass had went home with her parents.
They had sent everybody home, and she left me.
That dirty bitch.
And after that, I didn't like
white girls never again.
I went back to Shakeesha.
I said, "Shakeesha,
"I don't care if you can't put your hair behind your ears.
"Can you swim?
"Fuck swimming.
You gonna be my boo for life."
That's my story. [applause]
♪