NC: I gotta tell you, my work's not always easy.
I mean, granted this is the greatest job in the world, but whenever somebody asks you, "What did you do at your job today?"
and you had to answer "I watched Care Bears The Movie." I die a little inside.
Yeah, I die a little. How can anyone say that with any shred of dignity? How can anyone speak that with any pride?
You can't. Roll it.
[Singing] Carol King: Care-a-lot is a place we all can go
NC: Yes, the Care Bears were pretty big in their day: disgustingly cute,
disgustingly nice, and disgustingly marketable. How could any child not get wrapped up in their disgustingness?
So when this movie came out
children roared with applause and parents cringed in fear knowing that they would have to sit through this technicolor vomit.
Is it as bad as it looks? Well there's only one way to find ou. Let's take a look at
*sigh* Care Bears The Movie.
So, we start off with probably the whitest orphanage ever seen on film as our narrator named Mr. Cherrywood comes in.
Mr. Cherrywood: Now off to sleep to dream of clowns and circuses, acrobats and jugglers.
NC: He's played by Mickey Rooney, former biggest star in the world, but now doing, well, Care Bears.
He decides to tell the children a story before they go to sleep.
Mr. Cherrywood: This is the story of two young children named Kim and Jason and how they were helped by a group of very special friends
the Care Bears.
NC: *shudders* I don't like the face he made there.
Mr. Cherrywood: The Care Bears.
NC: *shudders* It's the kind of face that says "I touched half of these children, and I'm okay with that."
Mr. Cherrywood: The Care Bears live in a magic place called... Care-a-lot.
NC: So, as the credits roll we get our opening song called Care-a-lot sung by Carol King. Isn't that sad?
and is it me or does she sound totally uninterested in singing this?
[Singing] Care-a-lot is a place you'd like to be
riding on a cloud. Care-a-lot: It's a rainbow fantasy
for laughing out loud.
NC *imitating singer*: Care-a-lot is paying for my new car
So might as well do it.
[normal] On top of that this song is just shit. I mean listen to these lyrics:
"Care-a-lot, carousels playing music in your mind,
for dancing and singing. Sometimes you feel so glad, sometimes you feel blue, trust your feelings
it's not bad. Feelings are just you."
What does that even mean? "Feelings are just you," Oh that's good to know. I thought was Hershel the feeling fairy.
What are they talking about?
By the way, it's probably my perverted mind
but what does it look like these two are doing? This bear looks way too happy about what this bear is doing.
I think that car is just a cover. So our story begins when they spot two children who, you guessed it, stopped caring.
obvious statement is obvious
Friend Bear: Hi! I'm Friend Bear and this is Secret Bear. We're Care Bears.
Jason: What do you want?
Friend Bear: Only to be your friends.
NC: Actually, I always wondered what counted as "caring."
I mean, if I'm ordering a pizza with a friend is it like:
NC 1: Hey, what kind of toppings you want?
NC 2: Oh, I don't care. No! No! Wait I didn't mean that--[sparkly noise] Ugh...
Offscreen Care Bear: Hi, we're the Care Bears and everybody has to care about something--
[Gunshots] [Screaming]
Friend Bear: Everyone needs friends Jason, even you and Kim.
Kim: We're not your friends.
Jason: How do you know our names?
NC: Really? That's your biggest question right now. I mean granted that's a legit query,
but that should be, like question number five.
Friend Bear: We know a lot of things about you. Kim reads a lot of books and wants to be a nurse when she grows up and
Jason you want to be a jet pilot.
Jason: Yeah, how did you know that?
Friend Bear: Friends are supposed to know about each other's hopes and dreams.
memes
NC: Friends, stalkers, it's all good!
So, while they try to comfort the two kids, their main leader, named Tenderheart, goes to check on another kid named Nicolas.
that is just poor
Mr. Cherrywood: Nicolas was a magician's helper. He had never had a friend in his life.
Magician: Hey, close the door!
Nicolas: Woah! Woah!
KACRASH!!!
NC Imitating Magician: Ohh, this is why you've never had a friend in your life.
Nicolas: I didn't mean it.
Magician: I bought that trunk thinking maybe there's some junk in it that I can use in my magic act.
Now half of it's broken!
NC imitating magician: Don't make me tell your parents who may, or may not exist, and I may, or may not be keeping you from!
NC: but Nicolas comes across a secret magic book.
The Spirit: Nicolas... I am a spirit Nicolas
Umm...Bullshit!!
your friend.
NC: Unfortunately, it's a book that seems to possess unnatural evil powers.
The Spirit: This is your chance to show that you are a greater magician than he.
They love him for his magic. They'll love you for yours.
PERVERT!!!
Bruce Campbell: It was never meant for the world of the living.
NC: While that's going on, though the Care Bears are working on their latest invention: a teleporter.
because SCIENCE!!!
Yes, apparently there's groundbreaking scientific technology in Care-a-lot as long as the buttons look like Lucky Charms marshmallows.
But it accidentally beams the two children up when it wasn't supposed to.
Jason: Where are we?
Care Bears: We're the Care Bears!
Kim and Jason: ...more friends?
NC: *laughs* I like these kids. They have all the right reactions.
So, while they trying to get the teleporter to work they show the kids around Care-a-lot via a god-awful song. sequence
Singer: Nobody cares like a bear.
NC: But fuck that shit. I want to see that evil book again.
The Spirit: He'll be in a deep sleep only long enough for you to take over his magic show.
Nicolas: But, but, I couldn't!
The Spirit: Yes, you can. You must.
NC: So this genuinely creepy character that appears is simply known as "The Spirit."
and while, not flat-out scary there is something very threatening about her. Maybe it's her voice.
Maybe it's the fact that there's just a face in a book, but there's something that's just a little unsettling.
The Spirit: There are dozens of children out there waiting to see your magic.
NC: in fact. I don't want to watch her anymore. I'm going to fast forward past her parts.
[Spirit growls]
WHAT THE WHAT!?!?!
NC: Dah! Okay! Okay! I love your scenes! I love your scenes!
JESUS!!!
[Spirit laughs]
NC: I haven't seen a book so in touch with evils since Twilight.
Tenderheart: Nicholas stop! This isn't the way to make friends
The Spirit: Where was he when you needed him?
Tenderheart: What matters--
NC: *laughs* I just love Nicholas' face here. As if to say:
"Wow, I really didn't think I was gonna see this today; a talking bear speaking with an evil face in a book.
Thank God It's at least Friday."
Tenderheart: Woah!
NC: So she locks Tenderheart in a cage and convinces Nicholas to start his own magic show.
Tenderheart: Magic isn't the answer Nicholas. Your feelings can help you find the true answer.
NC: Yes, just listen to the magic talking bear.
because ANYONE would take a giant talking teddy bear seriously...
So Tenderheart breaks his way out as Nicholas' magic show doesn't go as well as he planned.
Nicolas: Make them stop laughing.
The Spirit: Only you can do that.
Nicolas: Zimma, zot, Coz-orkney!
and a Bibbity Bobbity Boo
[Thunderclap]
NC: Oh no. Now he's turned them into Youtube commenters.
The Spirit: This is only the beginning.
NC: So, Nicholas and his evil book start turning everybody in the world into jerks. Because of this Care-a-lot starts to crumble.
(apparently)
Funshine Bear: The Caring Meter dropped two whole points!
[Gasps]
NC: We're reaching Jersey levels. Jersey levels!
So Kim and Jason decide to join the Care Bears in their mission to stop The Spirit.
Tenderheart: Hold on to this for me Jason. Don't lose it. It's very important.
NC: Then why don't you hold on to it?
Well, anyway, they try teleporting them to Earth, but the earthquake destroys the teleporter in the process.
Grumpy Bear: They never made it to Earth.
Other Care Bear: What do you mean? Where are they?
lost in space?
Grumpy Bear: They're lost somewhere between here and Earth.
NC: Yeah, um what exactly is the cosmology for Care-a-lot anyway?
I thought was in the clouds. Now it's in a different dimension? I mean where are they expected to end up?
Grumpy Bear: They're lost somewhere between here and Earth.
Meanwhile in no where...
NC: So, they decided to take a river down to Earth-- That's right. There's a river in the clouds now. ---in the hope that this will
somehow cross dimensions. I don't know here's how they explain it:
Mr. Cherrywood: No one in Care-a-lot had ever followed the river. They had no idea whether it would lead them to Kim, Jason, the Missing Care Bears or to nowhere at all.
NC imitating child: Mr. Cherrywood there seems to be a lot of holes in your story. Why would they never follow a river in the sky? They just never questioned why it was there?
And for that matter if they never followed it why would they have a giant sailboat on standby?
NC as Mr. Cherrywood: Quiet or I'll smack you with my ring hand.
NC: So Jason, Kim, and the other two care bears are trapped in between worlds.
Which I guess is filled with lost cereal mascots.
Braveheart: Everyone in the Forest of Feelings knows of Playfulheart Monkey and Braveheart.
Only for $12.49,look for them in your nearest Walmart....
[William Wallace Screams]
NC: I know. I know but how could I not put that?
So even though they're lost in the Forest of Feelings, the people of Earth are deteriorating, and Care-a-lot is falling apart that
doesn't stop our heroes from having a song number.
Jason: *singing* Do you have a house made all out of wood for keeping you dry when it's raining?
NC: Wow, that's pretty bad kid. I mean, not William Hung bad, but ...
William Hung: She-bangs! She-bangs!
NC: but bad.
Playfulheart: Look! I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose! Stop!
really?
Kim: Stay perfectly still.
Friend Bear: Oooh.
NC: Um, that was totally necessary. What, was the movie like 20 seconds too short so you had to add a bee scene?
The song is pointless enough already. You don't need any more padding.
Meanwhile, Nicolas and The Spirit continued to turn all the people of the world into rotten A-holes.
The Spirit: These two small children still care.
Nicolas: But they were to fall under my spell.
The Spirit: Ah, but those sweet, cuddly
little bears shield them from your spells with their love and caring.
NC: What is up with this woman's voice? Is someone just eating her out while she's saying her lines?
NC as Spirit: Those cute cuddly little bears--ah! Oh. Oh yes they care so much--mmm! I know a happy ending
The Spirit: You must finish it. Say it.
Nicolas: Zip! Zap! Zot!
WHAT THE F&CK IS THAT THING!?!
[Nicolas Screams]
NC: Oh, great you unleashed Hell. The apocalypse is finally begun, and Satan is going to rule the Earth. Good job.
The Spirit: Now, go!
NC: So that purple fart goes to find the others. That's the care bear ship comes across more friends that they can make good toys out of.
Penguin: I'm Cozyheart Penguin. Helping someone in need is what warms my heart and keeps me cozy.
NC: Only $9.95! Hassle, scream and yell at your parents until they finally break down and buy you one. it's more important than breathing.
find them at your nearest Target
They also come across a pink elephant and
guessing the amount of booze you've probably had throughout this picture. I'm guessing you're coming across a few as well.
[Elephant trumpet]
Things aren't so hot with Kim and Jason as the purple smoke possesses the only tree that happens to have an evil face.
Kim: Aahhh! Woah!
Braveheart: Charge!
NC as William Wallace: They may take our lives, but they'll never take our marketability!
YOU FAILED MISERABLY!!!
NC: Wow. Fail.
but luckily Speedy Gonhoppers comes along to save the day.
Speedy: Arriva! Arriva!
NC: So the new bunny friend joins them on their adventure, but unfortunately the purple smoke takes on another form.
FAIL!!!!!!!
NC: You know you're really bad at that. Just think of your brave doesn't mean you're capable.
Friend Bear: Our only hope is a care bear stare. I just hope it works.
Secret Bear: There's only two of us...
Friend Bear: Care Bear Stare!
Aykroyd: Start bringing him down. Start bringing him down. You got him. Don't cross the streams!
Friend Bear: The two of us aren't enough.
CHOMP THE RAINBOW,
NC as the Bears: TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHERFUCKER!
All: Yay!
NC: Pff- well fuck caring. The answer to this problem was violence; wonderful, caring, violence.
[Braveheart roars]
So they gather all the other animals of the forest because there weren't enough fucking toys to sell as they find their way out of the
forest and back to Earth. How lucky the river just so happens to pass space and time.
Tenderheart: Do you still have the key that I gave you?
Jason: Sure do!
Tenderheart: If we lose that key Jason we can never win!
NC: That's why I'm entrusting it to a small boy I barely know.
How does this make sense again?
So, Nicholas casts his spell to turn Kim and Jason into heartless jerks
but he needs them to be close in order for the spell to work.
Tenderheart: Nicolas. Nicola-
Nicolas: You're too late! Too late!
NC as Lugosi: I have officially become a vampire! Not one of those sparkling ones though. They totally suck ass.
The Care Bears try to stop him, but the evil of the book is just way too strong.
Share Bear: The spirit's power is too strong.
Love-a-lot Bear: Look!
Cozyheart: Nicolas!
what...the...fuck...?
NC: *Laughing* Oh Jesus.
Nicolas: Were are they?
NC: This kid could totally give the emperor from Star Wars a run for his money.
Emperor's voice: No, young Skywalker you will die.
NC: The Care Bears try to... um, stare him down as the other animals try to help.
Braveheart: Everybody call!
[Assorted animal sounds]
NC: Okay guys that's really not helping. I mean, maybe get a- I don't know, a gun or some kind of a blunt instrument or uhh...
Uh yeah. You're totally useless.
FAILS FOR EVERYONE!!!
[Nicolas laughing]
Tenderheart: Kim! Jason! No!
The Spirit: Its them!
NC: *laughing* Good Lord, what is up with this kid's face?
He's turning into Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Judge Doom: When I killed your brother I talked just like this!
[Thud]
NC: That was a brick. That was literally a brick.
Jason: We care about you. We used to be like you.
We thought nobody cared.
Kim: but we were wrong.
Now we want to be your friends Nicholas.
NC: Okay, You know the drill. The kids start saying that they care about Nicholas which gives him the will to care and thus he stops using the book.
Tenderheart: Jason! The Key!
Nelson from the Simpsons: Ha ha!
Secret Bear: Hold on Nicolas!
NC: *sputtering* Hey! What that hell!? So the key they kept building up this whole time as the big secret weapon can be duplicated whatever they want?
What did they just want to make the little boy feel important?
All: Hooray!
NC: So Care-a-lot is saved. The two kids get adopted. And Nicholas finally perfects his magic.
TheCare Bears also welcome two new animal friends to be Care Bear...
cousins?brothers?
lions whatever, and they celebrate by dancing like they have a dump in their pants.
[music] In the Care Bear family
NC: And it turns out all the children in the orphanage fell asleep. No doubt bored senseless of Mr. Cherrywood's story.
Mr. Cherrywood: Now they'll never know what eventually became of Nicholas.
I guess all they need to know is that he too lived happily ever after.
Happier than I ever thought I could be.
NC as Tenderheart: Good story, but he missed the part about the sodomy and the ties to the JFK assassination, but I guess that stuff wasn't very important.
kkkAnd also that these subtitles have been self aware the whole time...
NC: So that's the Care Bears movie. How does it hold up? Well, yeah, it's stupid, but to be fair it's for little kids
It's kind of hard to beat up on something intended from really young children.
It's not good, but there's not really anything bad in it for kids.
It's relatively harmless. So if you're ages one to, I don't know, one you'll probably enjoy it okay.
But there's still one thing that really bothers me. Why was the book so evil?
I mean, what was her motivation all this time? It doesn't make an exact --
The Spirit: Critic. Open the book Critic.
You wanted to know what my motivation was?
NC: Yeah. Yeah, I do.
The Spirit: It was to make the people of the world stop caring.
NC: I knew that, but why do you want that to begin with?
The Spirit: I don't know I don't care.
NC: Oh, I see because you don't care nobody else cares. So you go around--
The Spirit: Yeah it's kind of a Catch-22
NC: Piss off
The Spirit: Wait no! I can still give you a happy ending!
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
The Spirit: A-hole.
[Care-a-lot Song]
Wait! I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose!
Oh,shut up!!