>> AUNT JEMIMA IS RECALLING SEVERAL BREAKFAST FOOT PRODUCTS
WHO MIGHT CONTAIN LISTERIA WHO I'M GUESSING IS HER SISTER.
>> OFFICIALS IN INDIA ARE HOPING TO DEAL WITH THE EXPLODING
MONKEY POPULATION BY PROVIDING THEM WITH BIRTH CONTROL.
WHERE THEY TREAT MONKEYS BETTER THAN AMERICA TREATS WOMEN.
[ APPLAUSE ] THEY HAVE TO USE BIRTH CONTROL
PILLS BECAUSE EVERY TIME THEY TRIED TO TEACH THE MONKEY TO USE
A CONDOM, IT ATE THE BANANA. >> A COMPANY IN CANADA CREATED
NEW SOFTWARE THAT CAN MIMIC ANYONE'S VOICE AND GET IT TO SAY
ANYTHING. I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO HEAR
MY DAD SAY I'M PROUD OF YOU. >> TOMORROW IS MOTHER'S DAY.
DON'T FORGET TO CALL YOUR MAMA, BECAUSE I WON'T.
>> McDONALD'S INTRODUCED A NEW UTENSIL CALLED THE FROERK.
A FORK WITH FRENCH FRIES. IT'S A GOOD WAY TO TELL YOUR
ARTERIES TO GO FORK THEMSELVES. >> JAMES COMEY GOT THE
CONTRADICTORY REASONS OUT OF THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS CAUSING A LOT
OF CONFUSION LIKE I JUST HAD. THIS IS THE WOMAN WHO IS ALWAYS
YELLING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. KATHY ANN.
>> HEY, HEY. YOU ARE LOOKING NICE TODAY.
>> THANK YOU, KATHY ANN. >> CAN YOU UNDERSTAND HALF OF
WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW. EVERYTHING IS MORE CONFUSING AND
MESSIER THAN WHEN MY UNCLE'S YOU KNOW WHAT LAB EXPLODED.
>> I FIGURED IT WAS A METH LAB. >> CAN YOU BELIEVE DONALD TRUMP
GETS TO FIRE THE MAN INVESTIGATING HIM?
IF I GOT TO FIRE EVERY PERSON THAT INVESTIGATED ME, I WOULD
STILL HAVE MY JOB AT PIZZA HUT. >> WHAT HAPPENED AT PIZZA HUT?
>> WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN AT PIZZA HUT.
OH, MAN. DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID ABOUT
JAMES COMEY? HE IS TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT
WITH THE FBI. WHO THE HELL WANTS TO PICK A
FIGHT WITH THE FBI. I HAVE HAD SOME PROBLEMS WITH
PARANOIA IN MY LIFE DUE TO FUNKY WIRING IN MY HEAD AND MIXED WITH
MILD RECREATIONAL HEAVY DRUG USE.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE PARANOID FOR REAL IF YOU MESS WITH THE FBI
AND THE RUSSIANS ON TOP OF THAT? HE IS LIVING THE ACTUAL LIFE
JUNKIES ARE DREAMING ABOUT IN THE BOWLING ALLEY.
WHEN THEY ARE LIKE THE CIA IS AFTER ME.
THE RUSSIANS ARE LISTENING. BUT THAT'S HIS REAL LIFE.
>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIS REAL LIFE.
>> HANGING ON TO THE RUSSIANS ANYWAY.
THEY ARE PUSHING PEOPLE OUT OF WINDOWS AND SHOOTING THEM IN THE
BACK OF THE CARS AND THE WOMAN PUSHING PAINT IN PEOPLE'S FACE.
I BET YOU THAT HE HAS MORE RUSSIAN FRIENDS THAN I HAVE DAYS
LEFT TO LIVE. >> KATHY ANN, DON'T SAY THAT.
>> BABY, I LIVE HARD, OKAY. I'M LIKE A SHOOTING STAR.
YOU MY STORY. >> I'M NOT COMPLETELY FAMILIAR
WITH IT, BUT I'LL TRY. >> I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE'S CRAZY AND CRAZY RECOGNIZES CRAZY.
DONALD TRUMP, I SEE YOU, MY MAN. >> YOUR MAN?
>> IT'S ALL THESE PEOPLE IN CONGRESS PRETENDING THEY DON'T
SEE WHAT'S GOING ON. YOU ARE NOT DUMB.
THE ONLY THING THESE INVESTIGATING COMMITTEES NEED TO
BE BOOK LOOKING FOR IS A DAMN BACKBONE.
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE MITCH McDONALD BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE
THIS. LIKE SOMETHING PUMPED A TURTLE.
THE REST OF THEM NEED TO GROW A PAIR AND PUT THEIR COUNTRY
BEFORE THE PARTY. DON'T TELL US WE AIN'T GOT THE
MONEY TO PAY FOR PEOPLE'S HEALTH CARE AND TURN AROUND AND SPEND A
MILLION DOLLARS A DAY SO DONALD TRUMP'S WIFE DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP
IN THE SAME BED AS HIM. I CAN RELATE.
I HAVE BEEN IN A SIMILAR SITUATION.
I USED TO GET PAID $15 A DAY TO STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN DOWN THE
STREET FROM ME. HE WOULD LEAVE IT IN A LITTLE
ENVELOPE AND WRITE PLEASE ON THE OUTSIDE.
THAT'S HOW I GOT MY FIRST CRICKET PHONE.
>> CRICKET. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW
WITH A CRICKET PHONE. >> YOU PUT IT IN MY STORY.
LISTEN TO ME. IF THIS DUDE TURNS INTO A
WATERGATE TYPE SITUATION, I'M SAYING IT RIGHT NOW.
I CALL DEEP THROAT. >> KATHY ANN, EVERYBODY.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.