- I wish I had a twin so I could punch myself in the face.
- Shut up!!!
- (thinking) This isn't my room.
Wait, holy crap. I got lucky last night? Booya! Wonder if she's hot. Let's take a little peek-see at the feetsy.
Meh, I've seen worse. Wake up!!!
- What?
(deep gasping)
(screaming)
- GET OFF! What the hell?
We're stuck together? What'd you do this time?
- I didn't do anything.
- Well, damn it. Just retrace your steps.
Let's see. What-- what's the last thing I remember?
- (off-key) ♪ Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number. ♪
- ♪ Show her love with your Dixon Cider ♪
- Hey.
- Dude, there's a ton of shooting stars outside right now. Take a look.
- Oh, cool.
- Make a wish.
- I'm kind of busy, dude.
- Make a wish!!!
- Okay, dude. I will. Later.
(off-key) ♪ Here's my number, so call me maybe. ♪
- (thinking) Man, I never see Ian anymore.
I wish we got to spend more time together.
- You wished that we'd be together? You idiot!
- Well, I didn't know it was gonna be interpreted that way!
- Rule number one in preschool:
You don't f--k with shooting stars.
- Yeah. Yeah, I know, okay?
Don't worry though. I think I know someone who could probably help us out.
- Yeah, I can separate you two ladies, but it'll cost you ten grand.
- What? We're broke.
- Yeah, my money tree hasn't even sprouted any money yet.
- Well,
I mean, I could do it for half if one of you ladies is okay with dying.
- Oh, well, I mean he could--
Fine, we'll get you your stupid ten thousand.
- Good.
Hey, Mom. Yeah, how do you transport ten thousand McChicken sandwiches?
- Where the hell are we gonna get that kind of money?
- Well, we could always become sperm donors.
- Yeah!
Wait, I don't think I could do it. You know, being attached to you and everything.
- I could.
- Beauty contest, and the grand prize is ten--
- Ten hundred dollars? Or ten...
th...
th-- thousand?
- Yes.
- Well, dude. We got this. We're two beautiful men.
- Yeah, especially with my rock-hard
abs.
- Yeah. Thanks for the flyer, Jesus.
- Actually, my name is Jesús.
But you're welcome.
- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the fifth annual beauty competition.
Brought to you by Lou's Famous Crab Stew. He's got crabs, and he wants to give them to you.
- Dude, look at our competition.
We are screwed.
- No, man, we got this. Remember? My rock-hard abs?
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, contestants, the first of three challenges...
Go! (gun blasts)
- Winner, winner frickin' dinner.
(drumroll)
- FAKE!!!
- Awww. (buzzer)
- This portion of the event is brought to you by Unicorn in a Jar. Eat it. You'll crap rainbows.
- He was just jealous of my rock-hard abs.
- And now for your second challenge, the three-legged race.
First person to touch my pits wins.
Go!! (gun blasts)
(dramatic music, slow-mo sounds)
(pained groaning)
- My leg bone.
- My labia!
- Oh, good job, girls. Keep touching my pits.
- (gasps, buzzer)
We would have won if you didn't suck at running.
- Okay? What about you and your non-existent abs that look like a ball sack?
- You're a ball sack!
- Oh, am not!
- Yeah, you are! Look at you!
You stupid guy! Look at your stupid--
- GOD, I love cat fights.
(sensual R&B music, cats meowing, slow-mo sounds)
- So hot.
Anyway, contestants, next up, we have the swimsuit competition. Go!
(gunshot, man screams)
Oops.
- The swimsuit competition is brought to you by
Robot Viagra. Don't short-circuit. Get down and working.
- Nice.
Lovely.
Oh. Oh.
Four boobs?
Awesome. You win!
- We did?
- Yes, it says so in the official rule book. Any person with four boobs is automatically a winner,
especially when those boobs look so
incredibly
irresistible. (Ian and Anthony chuckle uncomfortably)
- Thank you.
- One inch long, four inches in circumference.
- Here's your stupid money.
- Oh, sweet, and here's your treatment, ladies.
Should come off in only a couple seconds.
- You know what?
We may have bickered and gotten into a ton of fights and had to sit next to each other while we took turns pooping,
but in the end,
I'm kind of glad we got to spend so much time together, man.
- Me too, man.
- Oh!
Why does this smell like your mom?
- What? It's just glue remover. Turns out you two ladies were just stuck together with Superglue.
Heh.
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
Dear shooting star, I wish for some Superglue so I could glue myself to Anthony.
It's gonna be so funny when he's like, oh my God. We're all stuck together! What?
(guffawing)
Oh, man, I forgot about that. It's pretty funny though. Huh?
- (grunts) Are you serious?
- What? I thought it was--
- God, you stupid idiot! God!
- God, I love catfights.
(slow-mo fighting, cats meowing)
- So hot.
- You like four boobs too?
- No, I mean the coffee spilling on me.
It's burning my flesh off!!
(screaming)
- To see bloopers and this...
click the video right here.
- A big truck and a midget, okay. Thank you. Bye.
- Thanks for subscribing. Hey, does anyone need an extra testicle? I got-- I got one. It's-- it's in my-- it's in my van.
Okay. I'm just gonna go eat it. Bye.