Good morning John, it's been over a year
since the last time I told you jokes,
which means that it's time for me to try and beat my record again.
This time, 54 jokes!
In under 4 minutes.
What's the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?
One has claws at the end of its paws,
one has a pause at the end of its clause.
How about the difference between a tuna and a piano?
You can tune a piano, but
you cannot piano a tuna.
The difference between the moon and Julius Caesar?
The moon is rocky and full of craters,
and Julius Caesar is dead.
Why, do you think, was civil disobedience such a fantastic essay?
Thoreau editing.
Thoreau.
What cell phones do traveling nuns use?
Virgin mobile.
And how come her cell phone bill was so high?
She was a Roman Catholic.
Why did they kick Cinderella off the baseball team?
She kept running away from the ball.
And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?
Oh yeah, an algae-bra.
Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
The sea. It weed.
What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?
Uh, he got a little behind in his work.
My pastor, he ate too many beans.
He had to sit there in his own pews.
The defendant is accused
of putting dynamite into a steer.
A bomb in a bull.
I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back in the public pool.
They keep dropping their trunks.
What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?
Stop! You're under a vest!
Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns.
They always take things, literally.
When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check,
it said "Nah, I'm traveling light.".
Aah, I had a really great boomerang joke.
It'll come back to me.
So the Pillsbury doughboy's pants fell off and I, eh,
feel really weird about donuts now.
What did the subatomic duck say?
Quark.
The stormtrooper was enjoying the wookie steak,
but it was a little Chewy.
That girl said that she knew me from the vegetarian club, but I'm pretty sure I've never seen herbivore.
Why are the middle ages sometimes called the dark ages?
Because they had so many knights
Agh!
Where do you get whales weighed?
At the whale weigh station.
Name 4 men that are in a rock group together
but none of them sing or play music.
Mmmount Rushmore!
They're a rock group.
It's a- it's a rock group.
[singing]: Stayed up all night, 'cause I wanted to see where the sun went,
and then it dawned on meee.
The oddly pleasant feeling of looking
down on a physicist as they drink the last of their beer.
The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.
How much does a hipster weigh?
An Instagram.
A man goes to a zoo, and discovers that there's only one animal! And it's a dog!
It was a Shih Tzu!
What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
What are the ten letters of the pirate alphabet?
Aye aye, arr, and the seven seas.
PMS jokes are not funny. Period.
So I was on a train with Einstein, and he turns to me and asks:
"Does Boston stop at this train?"
A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with everything."
Sherlock! What are you doing with that 200 pound shrub?!
It's not a shrub. It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson.
How do you make holy water?
Take regular water, and then just boil the hell out of it.
Interesting story. The guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.
I mean, he did say he was a private tutor.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player, but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Ever since I got punched in the nose by that clown, I've smelled funny.
In one of my first videos, I told you about a fungus and an algae that took a liking to each other.
Well I've got bad news. Their marriage is on the rocks.
The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
Did you hear about that new indie band, 999 megabytes?
Yeah, I- that makes sense. They don't even have any gigs yet.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr quit drinking?
It was making him moody.
How did Abraham Lincoln plead when charged with murder?
He said he was innocent.
He was in a cent.
They stopped the vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane, but
he said: "You said I could have 2 carrion items!"
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: "Five beers please."
What do you call a cow that's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
Two legs?
Yo mama!
Some people believe that becoming a vegetarian is just a missed-steak.
Missed steak!
Big butts. It's a rare medium well done.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Where does Dorian Gray shop?
Forever 21!
Dorian Gray jokes. They never get old.
John! I'll see you on Tuesday.