>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S THE BEST BAND ON TELEVISION RIGHT THERE, BAR
NONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: JON, I'M SUPER EXCITED ABOUT OUR FRIEND
JENNIFER GARNER COMING OUT HERE IN JUST A MINUTE.
>> Jon: OH, YES, INDEED.
THAT'S GOING TO BE FUN.
>> Stephen: DID I EVER TELL, LOVELY, TALENTED, FANTASTIC OF
COURSE JUST THE NICEST PERSON.
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THIS?
SHE WAS-- WHEN MY WIFE AND I WERE YOUNG AND HAD OUR FIRST
BABY, OUR DAUGHTER, SHE WAS OUR BABY-SITTER.
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> Jon: REALLY?
>> Stephen: WE'LL GET INTO OLD-TIME TALK SO OF SO STICK
AROUND FOR THAT.
YEAH, THERE ARE SOME STORIES.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I LIKE TO GIVE YOU GOOD NEWS WHEN I CAN.
AND I'M SAD TO SAY THERE'S SOME BAD NEWS FOR RADIO
HOST AND SHRIEKING FUNNEL CAKE, ALEX JONES.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE
UNFAMILIAR WITH JONES'S...
WORK, THIS IS IT: >> I'M GONNA TELL ME WHAT I'LL
NASTY I GET.
MAN, I JUST WISH THAT, UH-- (GROWLING)
YEAH!
SICK OF PEOPLE PUSHING THEIR GUILT ON ME WHEN I HADN'T DONE
NOTHING TO YOU, YOU FILTH, PROJECTING ONTO ME ALL YOUR SICK
FANTASIES OF CONTROL, YOU GARBAGE!
WE'RE GONNA ORGANIZE, HUMANITY'S GONNA COME TOGETHER.
AHHHHHHHHHH!
WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, GLOBALISTS!
WE'RE COMING FOR YA!
COMING FOR YA!
THEY WANT TO SHATTER YOUR MIND, TALKING ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER!
IT'S PURE EVIL!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SPOKEN LIKE A MAN
WHO HAS BEEN FREE-BASING PURE BIEBER.
ANYWAY, HE'S A TERRIBLE PERSON WHO LIES FOR A LIVING.
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS WEEK, JONES HAD TO ANSWER FOR
ONE OF HIS MAD RAMBLINGS BECAUSE HE JUST SETTLED A DEFAMATION
LAWSUIT FILED AGAINST HIM BY GREEK YOGURT MANUFACTURER
CHOBANI.
WHICH EXPLAINS THEIR NEW FLAVOR: CASH ON THE BOTTOM.
( LAUGHTER ) CHOBANI SUED HIS ASS, AND HIS
COMPANY, INFOWARS, FOR SPREADING THE
FALSE STORY THAT THEY IMPORTED MIGRANT RAPISTS AND SPREAD
TUBERCULOSIS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THAT'S YOPLAIT'S GAME.
ONE OF THE TERMS OF JONES' SETTLEMENT IS THAT HE WAS FORCED
TO APOLOGIZE TO CHOBANI.
SO HE PUT ON HIS SUNDAY BEST AND USED HIS MOST HUMBLE GROWL TO
SAY THIS: >> DURING THE WEEK OF APRIL 10,
2017, CERTAIN STATEMENTS WERE MADE ON THE INFOWARS TWITTER
FEED AND YOUTUBE CHANNEL REGARDING CHOBANI L.L.C. THAT I
NOW UNDERSTAND TO BE WRONG.
THE TWEETS AND VIDEO HAVE NOW BEEN RETRACTED AND WILL NOT BE
REPOSTED.
ON BEHALF OF INFOWARS, I REGRET THAT WE MISCHARACTERIZED
CHOBANI, ITS EMPLOYEES, AND THE PEOPLE OF TWIN FALLS, IDAHO, THE
WAY WE DID.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST SINCERE APOLOGIES EVER TO
HAVE BEEN READ OFF THE BACK OF A NAPKIN.
BUT I UNDERSTAND WHAT ALEX IS GOING THROUGH BECAUSE, RECENTLY,
UNDER THREAT OF LAWSUIT, MY RIGHT-WING SATIRICAL CHARACTER,
TUCK BUCKFORD, ALSO HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR SOME SLANDEROUS
CLAIMS HE MADE.
AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE THE COURT-ORDERED VIDEO.
>> THAT, BRAIN FIGHTERS IS HOW THE LESBIAN CONSPIRACY HAS
MAINTAINED ITS VICE GRIP ON OUR NATION.
IT'S HOW THEY REPRODUCE, OKAY.
IT'S THEIR DEMON SEED.
NOW, A SINCERE, FORCED APOLOGY.
( LAUGHTER ) DURING THE PERIOD OF MY ENTIRE
CAREER, CERTAIN STATEMENTS WERE MADE ON THE BRAIN FIGHT TWITTER
FEED YOUTUBE PAGE, COMPANY SKYWRITER, AND ALSO FROM MY
ENORMOUS MAN MOUTH WITH ITS MAN WORDS.
AND I'M NOW LEGALLY REQUIRED TO UNDERSTAND THOSE WORDS TO BE
WRONG.
SO I WILL NOW OFF THE ISSUE OF THE FOLLOWING CORRECTIONS.
I REGRET THAT I MISCHARACTERIZED VIRGIN AIRLINES.
I DO KNOW NOW THAT THEY DO NOT USE THEIR PLANES TO SPRAY CLOUDS
OF VIAGRA ON TO OUR NATION'S PLAYGROUNDS TO INCITE AN
ANTIGOVERNMENT REVOLUTION OF UNSTOPPABLE MIDDLE SCHOOL SEX
WARRIORS.
MY BAD.
IN ADDITION, I HAVE LEARNED THAT FRUIT BY THE FOOT IS NOT MADE
OUT OF REPTILIAN SKIN SHED BY GEORGE SOROS.
BUT I STAND BY THE IDEA THAT GEORGE SOROS' SKIN WOULD BE A
DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS TREAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ACTOR JEFF GOLDBLUM IS NOT A
ROBOT CONTROLLED BY ISLAMIC FIELDMICE.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE RELIGION OF THOSE FIELDMICE IS.
MY APOLOGIES.
( LAUGHTER ) I ALSO SEE NOW, FOR THE FIRST
TIME, THAT WISE IS NOT CODING THE INSIDE OF ITS POTATO CHIP
BAGS WITH AN EMASCULATING CHEMICAL POLYMER IN AN ATTEMPT
TO REDUCE OUR GENITALS INTO HAIRLESS MOUNDS EASILY
CONTROLLED BY PSYCHIC, HUMA ABEDIN.
NICE TRUE, HUMA.
THE CHICAGO BULLS DO NOT SPEND THEIR FREE TIME SLAM-DUNKING
NEWBORN BABIES INTO VACCINATION MACHINES.
THE FACT THAT THE SKY IS BLUE AND THAT CLOUDS ARE WHITE IS NOT
AN ATTEMPT BY THE ISRAELY MOSSAD TO TAKE OVER HEAVEN AND CONVERT
JESUS BACK TO JUDAISM.
STAY STRONG, J.C ( LAUGHTER )
THE MOVIE "MARLEY AND ME" IS NOT FILLED WITH SATANIC IMAGERY
MEANT TO MAKE WHITE COUPLES OF REPRODUCTIVE AGE THINK THAT
THEY'RE GOLDEN RETRIEVERS SO THEY WILL HAVE THEMSELVES SPADE
AND NEUTERED.
AND I AM ESPECIALLY SORRY TO THE GOOD PEOPLE AT BREAKSTONE
COTTAGE CHEESE, OKAY.
I SAID THAT THEY WERE COLLUDING WITH THE U.S. GEOLOGICAL SURVEY
TO CONCEAL LISTENING DEVICES AT THE BOTTOM OF EACH AND EVERY
DELICIOUS TUB, OKAY.
BUT AS I HAVE LEARNED, AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE IS NOTHING IN
HERE.
THERE'S NO LISTENING DEVICE.
JUST SWEET-- MMM-- CREAMY KURDS, OKAY.
ALSO, IN CASE OF PERMANENT WINDBURN.
IT MAKES THE MOST AMAZING, MOST SOOTHING SHAVING CREAM YOU CAN
IMAGINE.
LOOK AT THAT.
LIKE SHAVING A BABY.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SHAVE YOUR BABY-- WHICH I HIGHLY RECOMMEND
RM-- DO NOT USE ANYTHING BY THE JERKINS CORPORATION, JERKINS HAS
A LISTENING DEVICE RIGHT IN THE PUMP HANDLE AND THE ONLY WAY TO
DESTROY THE LISTENING DEVICE IS WITH YOUR STOMACH ENZYMES.
WOOOOO!
I CAN SEE FOREVER!
( LAUGHTER ) BRAIN FIGHT, BROUGHT TO YOU BY
CASPER-- NOT THE INTERNET MATTRESS COMPANY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE ADOLESCENT GHOST YOU CAN SUMMON TO PROTECT
YOUR DAUGHTER FROM IMMIGRANT BOYFRIENDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, TUCK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JENNIFER GARNER.