- Set list is unique, now normally,
when you see a stand-up comedian perform,
you're seeing them giving material
that they have created, they have crafted,
they have honed, they have perfected.
We are going to give them a set list, they are going
to improvise a stand-up comedy routine out of thin air.
The comedians will see their set list topics
at the exact same moment that you see them
for the very first time, ladies and gentlemen,
the never-before-seen set list of Mr. Jon Dore!
- Here we go.
Stand-up without a net.
Set list, all right. (audience laughs)
I'm gonna let ya in on a little secret
I've never told anyone ever before,
but this is a fact. (sighs with force)
I am straight. (audience laughs)
Never told anyone that before,
but (sighs) that's one of the reasons
the U.S. government asked me to do something very special,
they asked me to go and spy for the Chinese,
and you're probably wondering,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Steve,
and I would say, name's Jon, and then you would say, sorry!
Jon, I thought you were spying for the Chinese,
it's like, yeah, but who do you think
funds the operation, the United States!
And that's right, I spy for the Chinese,
you're probably wondering what I do for the Chinese.
Like, are you concerned, do you wonder what I do
for the Chinese, do you wanna know what I do
for the Chinese, well, I'm not gonna fucking tell you,
am I, because then I wouldn't be a very good spy.
You saying, yes, I wanna know what you do
for the Chinese means you wanna see me dead,
right here on the spot, so that's what you want?
Unbelievable. (audience laughs)
Unberievable, as some people would say,
but I'll tell you this right now,
(audience laughs)
that's only when I'm spyin', I'll say unberievable.
Only when I'm spying. (audience laughs)
Because, yes, I stereotypically have to fit in
with the Chinese, all right, and they
traditionally have trouble with Ls and Rs.
Now let's move onto the next topic
before I get really (snorts) racist, all right?
(audience laughs)
I think it's best for everyone,
at home and in the audience, and myself.
(audience cheers loudly)
Okay, for this one, I'm gonna need a volunteer
from the audience, uh, sir, if you don't mind,
just come on up here, thank you very much.
Okay, and stand right there for a second, yeah?
'Kay, you can sit down now, thank you very much.
(audience claps)
So remember where he was, right?
So my uncle would take us camping,
and every now and then, he would say,
hey, you wanna play a little RPH?
And I'd say, lookit, (chuckling)
I'm not very comfortable with rock and paper,
but other than that, I think we've got a deal here.
(audience laughs)
Long story longer, ladies and gentlemen,
gonna introduce my uncle to you right now.
Actually, no, he's not here, I can't do that.
But if he was here, I'd be very proud to say,
he gives one of the better hand jobs,
because (audience laughs)
and I know you're thinkin' that's disgusting,
it is not disgusting, it's tender,
it was very tender, he wasn't rude about it.
He wasn't rude about it at all,
it didn't feel like incest at any moment,
it just felt natural, it felt fun,
it felt familiar, do you know what I mean?
And the reason it felt familiar is
'cause of course, we share genes,
and we share jeans, so he's like,
'kay, let's (exhales) skip it, I don't know
what else is gonna happen with that one.
But people watching at home, just...
Uh... (chuckles) (audience laughs)
Okay, here's the thing. (audience laughs)
Don't transfer me, okay, leave me in the jail,
I do not want you to transfer me, I do not need
to go anywhere, I got a really funny feeling about this,
and besides, you haven't even heard me out yet, all right?
(wheezes) You ever gone duck hunting in the city?
It sounds crazy, but I'll tell ya somethin'.
(audience laughs)
It is loads of fun, and rarely, the problem is,
he didn't hear me say duck, all right, so...
That's what city duck hunting is, you yell duck,
and hope the gentleman ducks, and if he doesn't,
then the lady's gonna have brain on her dress,
and that's just the facts! (audience groans)
Okay, lookit, I know I'm in America...
Too soon, too soon, is that it?
(audience laughs)
Probly too late is what it is, it's too late.
(audience applauds)
And guys, you can ooh it if you want,
but this is my big closer. (audience clapping)
You know what, fuck it, I'm done, I'm absolutely finished.
(audience cheering)
Hey, Paul, sorry about that, I'm done!
- What are ya sorry about, Jon?
- Oh, (mumbles) if you hear a gunshot go off, that's me.
- (chuckles) Jon Dore, ladies and gentlemen!
(audience cheers)
(playful music)