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( APPLAUSE )
LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND RIGHT THERE.
LOUIS, WE HAVE THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED QUEEN LATIFAH IS ON THE
SHOW TONIGHT. >> Louis: TONIGHT, YES, IN THE
BUILDING! >> Stephen: AND SUPREME COURT
CORRESPONDENT, A LONGTIME NPR, NINA TOTENBERG IS GOING TO BE
HERE, TALKING ABOUT RUTH BADER GINSBURG, AND THE PRESENT STATE
OF THE COURT RIGHT NOW. YOU KNOW OUR FRIEND JOE SAILOR
IS OUT THIS WEEK. PLEASE TELL EVERYBODY WHO IS
JOINING YOU ON THE DRUMS THIS WEEK.
>> Louis: I HAVE ONE OF MY OLDEST AND LONGEST DEAREST
FRIENDS, JACK DEBOE. >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
BEING HERE. FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF
MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SURVEYING THE DAY'S RAW NEWS
QUARRY, THEN MINING FOR YOU THE FINEST, MOST LUXURIOUS ROSE-GOLD
STORIES, CASTING AND HAMMERING THEM INTO DELICATE HERRINGBONE
COUPLINGS AND ADORNING IT WITH HALF-CARAT SAPPHIRES TO CRAFT
FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE HARRY WINSTON SAUTOIR NECKLACE THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,
FOLKS, I SNAP AWAKE IN A STAINED HAMMOCK, RIP THE STARTER
CORD OUT OF A BROKEN LEAF-BLOWER AND STRING IT WITH BIRD SKULLS,
RACCOON TEETH, AND SQUIRREL FEMURS SO I CAN DON THE
FOREST-DWELLER'S HOBO CHOKER OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
ON TARGET. ALWAYS ON TARGET.
MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY SAYS THAT IF WE EXERCISE FOR 30 MINUTES A
DAY BUT SPEND THE REST OF THE TIME SITTING, "IT'S ALMOST AS IF
WE HAD NOT WORKED OUT AT ALL." WELL, THAT'S GREAT NEWS.
BECAUSE IT MEANS IF ALL I DO IS SIT ALL DAY, IT'S ALMOST AS IF I
HAD WORKED OUT.
HOLD ON, ONE MORE REP.
HAS REVEALED "HOW TO PUT A CRYING BABY TO SLEEP, THE
SCIENTIFIC WAY." RESEARCHERS SAY THE MOST
EFFECTIVE METHOD IS TO "HOLD THE BABY AND WALK FOR FIVE MINUTES,
THEN SIT AND HOLD THE BABY FOR FIVE TO EIGHT MINUTES, THEN PUT
THEM TO BED." AND WHEN YOUR BABY STILL WON'T
SLEEP, RESEARCHERS RECOMMEND YOU STAY UP FOR 18 HOURS STRAIGHT,
THEN HALLUCINATE A VISITATION BY A BENEVOLENT GHOST-OWL WHO
WILL SING YOU THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOW TO BUILD A SPACE ARK.
THEN YOU'LL WAKE UP IN THE SHOE CLOSET.
AND THE BABY WILL STILL BE AWAKE.
( LAUGHTER )
TO MOTHERS? "HAVE YOU TRIED WALKING AROUND
FOR FIVE MINUTES? DID YOU TRY SITTING FOR FIVE TO
EIGHT MINUTES? YOU MUST BE DOING IT WRONG."
( LAUGHTER )
PASSING KIDNEY STONES 'PLEASURABLE,' AND 'FASTER.'"
THAT IS GOING TO MAKE FOR SOME INTERESTING PICKUP LINES.
"HEY, WANNA COME BACK TO MY PLACE AND HELP ME PASS A KIDNEY
STONE? I PROMISE YOU SOMEBODY'S GONNA
BE SCREAMING."
YOU EVER PASS A KIDNEY STONE. >> Louis: I HAVE, I HAVE.
NO BUENO. >> Stephen: I CANNOT THINK OF
ANYTHING LESS SEXY THAN PASSING A KIDNEY STONE.
SLIDING DOWN A 50-FOOT GRATER INTO A BOWL OF GIN.
MEANWHILE...
HAVE HAD A KIDNEY STONE. HOW MANY-- HOW MANY WOMEN?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT FEW PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER )
MOURNING THIS WEEK. WE ALSO LOST "FRED FRANZIA, THE
MASTERMIND BEHIND TWO BUCK CHUCK WINE."
SO POUR ONE OUT FOR FRED TONIGHT.
OR POUR OUT, LIKE, THREE. THEY'RE REALLY CHEAP.
( LAUGHTER )
SPECIFIC IN SUBJECT MATTER THAT IT REQUIRES IT'S OWN SPECIAL
CATEGORY, WHICH WE COVER IN OUR NEWEST "MEANWHILE" SUBSEGMENT,
"ANAL-BEAD-WHILE." ANAL-BEAD-WHILE, "THE CHESS
WORLD HAS BEEN ROCKED BY RUMORS OF ANAL BEADS."
THEY CALL IT CASTLING. HERE'S THE ACCUSATION: LAST WEEK
"WORLD CHESS CHAMPION MAGNUS CARLSEN WAS UNEXPECTEDLY
DEFEATED BY UNDERDOG HANS NIEMANN."
AND NOW FANS SPECULATE NIEMANN HAD "AN ACCOMPLICE WHO WAS
WATCHING THE GAME BEING BROADCAST LIVE ONLINE AND
CONSULTING AN A.I. CHESS PROGRAM," THEN "USING WIRELESS
ANAL BEADS THAT VIBRATE TO NIEMANN THE CORRECT MOVES."
I KNOW IT'S UNLIKELY, BUT IT WOULD EXPLAIN HIS UNIQUE STYLE
OF PLAY: "KNIGHT TO KING...
SEVEN!...
( LAUGHTER )
TOY HALL OF FAME FINALISTS." AH, YES...
( APPLAUSE )
NEXT YEAR'S HALL-OF-FAME CONTENDERS INCLUDE OTHER
FAVORITE CHILDHOOD TOYS LIKE THE GOLD CHAIN ON YOUR GLASSES,
SHOWER SAFETY HANDLES, AND SOUP.
LATIFAH. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )